Christmas is coming and.......

I am wanting to get fat!!! please put some curry in this young at heart girls hat!!

Well maybe not in my hat, but on a plate with a naan bread would be perfectly acceptable. For those of you who don't know, for the last couple of years I have not only been going through a particularly traumatic marriage break up but also I was diagnosed with an allergy to salicylate. In laymans terms it's an allergy to the same substance that aspirin is a derivative of but which encompases all the foods that contain this natural insectiside found in most plants,fruits and vegetables.
The main reaction to this allergy is asthma.
The good news is that new research being conducted (of which I am a guinea pig!) has shown that by cutting out foods in the diet containing salicylates and introducing tiny controlled doses of a specific type of aspririn, that gradually you can detox your body and then reintroduce those foods back into the diet. Good news for me is ......... my reintroduction time has come!!
I am allowed.... after several tests at hospital in London on Wednesday....to GRADUALLY try bringing some of those foods back ino my diet.
I know you may not think this is a big deal, but just for a second think of how many things contain derivatives of plants, fruit and veg as well as the obvious fruits and veg you can buy as whole entities.
The things I've missed the most are things like tea (one of the highest on my list of no no's due to the dried tea leaves),curry (herbs and spices are extremely high in salicylate),italian food (tomatoes and herbs)fruit juice,peanut butter (Yes I love it on toast) and the luxury of just being able to eat a piece of the carrot I'm chopping for my daughter's dinner!
The only plus point of this condition is that I've had the figure of an 18year old for the past year but only due to an extremely restrictive boring,bland diet. So, where do I start?
I have to still be cautious,the doctors are still learning about this condition and I cannot risk overloading my system after my dedication of the last 18months, but I can't wait to at long last be able to enjoy my food once more and have a little bit of flavour back in my life (imagine soup without stock) So bring on the cranberry sauce and merry Christmas to you all xx

Blimey

Didn't realise it had been so long since I had been here!! Shit, where does time go?!

Safe to say the past 6weeks has gone by in a blur of holidays, excitement, disappointment for me and feelings of rejection for my daughter, climbing back up yet again and at long last some feelings of contentment creeping back in to my life.
First of all me and BF had a brilliant time in good old Bruxelles with my lovely niece the Drama Queen herself. As is to be expected there were drama's which at the time were not that funny but shortly after were being laughed about. Firstly BF's luggage went missing at Charleroi! We were only in Brussels for 4 full days and he spent 2 of those waiting for his suitcase, which for some reason had went to Italy?? It arrived back the same night we arrived in Brussels, but in the inimitable style of the Capital of beurocracy it was against their policy to have it sent the next day to the apartment. Apparently the courier's required a full 24hours notice of despatch. Never mind, the positive side was that he got £100 to spend on new clothes from the insurance company while we waited.
We wandered happily round the city shops in the meantime, drank too many espresso's, too much Belgian 'bierre brun', spent too much on overpriced chocolate (I dispute it WAS worth it),met up with workfriends of BF, bought a diamond necklace in Antwerp (of which I know I got a total bargain after spending 17years in the trade) I think the trader got a little worried when I asked for a loupe (eyeglass) to examine the stones, got cooked a lovely dinner by my freshly domesticated niece and surprised myself with how much O'level french I remembered.
On the last day drama number 2! We managed to,after packing all our stuff and heading out for lunch, to shut the apartment door behind us before removing the spare key from the inside! Resulting in us being locked out!! After debating on what to do and several panicky calls to nieces BF,it was decided that my Bf would climb up the convenient scaffolding to the second floor window of the apartment and attempt to open the window. No such luck. He scaled it like spiderman, but found the windows securely locked. The only solution we decided,was to break the door. So while niece and BF went off to look for a suitable implement to do the job, I decided to have one last bash at getting in using the tried and tested film technique (I've seen it dozens of times in the movies so it must be true!) of using my credit card to open the door.
I couldn't believe that on my first attempt, in the time it took for niece and BF to go down 1 flight of steps, the door clicked and flew open!!. This, I reckon, only happened because the door wasn't actually locked and I shan't be looking to change careers to a cat burglar.Relief all round though and we had a nice lunch before heading back to reality.
Boy what a reality it was!!
On arriving back home and just 1 week before the house move, with all our belongings packed and furniture we couldn't fit in having been sold,and with mini me changed schools, my purchasers CHANGED THEIR MINDS!!
Un-bloody-believable!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, the house buying policy in this bloody country must change. This is not game playing this is peoples lives, emotions and those of our children that are treated like buying a packet of crisps. We lost the house we were buying and have had to back to square one yet again. I lost money I can ill afford and had to face the thought of spending yet another Christmas in the marital home. I was so looking forward to starting afresh in my own home with my own furniture and creating a whole new set of memories. I spent a few days of tearful conversations with BF, family and friends before pulling myself back up and looking on the positive that at least we still have a home and it never happened a few hours before (which I have heard of). It is tiring though having to constantly pull myself up after being knocked down and my health recently has suffered as a result. I am sticking it out though, the Bastards won't grind me down.
Talking of Bastards, my ex has done a little bit of disappointing on his own and I have a feeling it's the start of things to come. He promised mini me ( and this was his idea on her request) that he would come round on Christmas morning and be there when she opened her presents. Now he is not who I want to spend my Christmas morning with, but it's not about me or him, this is for mini me so I happily agreed it would be nice for her for both of her parents to be with her. Cue a few weeks later.
He calls and says plans have changed and he will now be seeing mini me up until the afternoon of Christmas eve, dropping her off and spending Christmas day with the other woman and her parents. Now I can cope with that but mini me, well she's a child who's been promised the most important day of a child's year,and all she sees is that her Dad has chosen not to spend it with her.
She was devastated and despite me trying to tell him the effect this will have long term, the situation has not changed. She has said she will never ever forget this (and she wont). He then made it even worse. Every Christmas eve since she has been very young,the 2 of them have gone to the cinema together to see a kids movie of her choice. I saw no reason for this to change and indeed thought it would be one nice thing for them to always have. How wrong was I. He turned round and despite the fact that he has her on Christmas eve until the afternoon, he's told her things are different now and they wont be going any more!Talk about rubbing salt in her already very open wounds. This is a tradition in her eyes, and one that has never involved me (I've always been working on Christmas Eve)I'd love to get inside his head and discover his logic.But you know what I'd rather not.
I want to fix this for her but I cant, it's out of my hands and all I can do is be there for her and make this a good Christmas, one where she will realise that despite all that's happened she's loved and not rejected and is the most important person to me and that I shall be the constant in her life. Her father does love her but things have changed and he has changed. He thinks he knows the right way to do things but he is human and makes mistakes, I just hope he realises before it's too late that there are only so many you can make before you cant be forgiven any more.

She came up with her own solution to one aspect. She wants to start a new tradition with me and BF,in that we all go to the cinema together on Christmas Eve seeing as I now only work during term time. I happily agreed as did BF. You know what, maybe this is the start of our new family, new traditions and despite my openness to involving the ex and the opportunities he has to still be a huge part of her life, maybe he has chosen to do the same.

I need a vodka and make it a large one!

Today I found our wedding congratulations cards, a leaflet from the little fish restaurant we found on our honeymoon in Sorrento, and a book of matches from our favourite chinese where he proposed on my birthday 13 years ago. My birthday is next weekend,our wedding anniversary is the week after.
Today I shed some tears, then I packed those things up and moved on to the next cupboard.

Junk

Right, as you know I am in the process of moving house (hence the somewhat intermittent posting)and I have decided that, after discovering I am not alone,I am going to come out of the closet..............................No not that closet!.........in fact it's not really a closet, it's a drawer!

I've never admitted this to anyone.I give the appearance of being a reasonably tidy person. I don't have ornaments (they gather dust and are pointless unless made by my daughter),I file my bank statements, and I always make my bed when I get up in the morning but i have a secret drawer of......................complete and utterly useless bits of crap. There I've said it. Now are there steps to follow to gain enlightenment and release myself from this millstone?

In my drawer of crap there were- Birthday candles in various states of uselessness,picture hooks,keyrings x 2,several wine bottle corks, screws of varying size, takeaway menu's from about 6 years ago,3 erasers,2 books of matches,1 broken wine bottle pourer,1 vodka shot pourer (I see a pattern here hmmmm)3 pens (none of which worked),2 decks of cards (1unopened), countless receipts for nothing of any relevance and several of them were older than 2years,several hotel sewing kits (I don't sew)an OPEN box of drawing pins (which I discovered when I put my hand to the back of the drawer) and several bent drinking straws which were no use to man nor beast.
Do you have a drawer like this at home? And if you do I can tell you the best way to deal with it.
Take one large black bin liner.
Open said bin liner.
Take the drawer off it's runners.
Hold the drawer and the bin liner to each other.
TIP THE CRAP IN THE BIN

The next step is THE most important part.

Take the now full bin,tie it's handle and take it outside to the garbage immediately!Do not look inside the bag and never ever be tempted to retrieve any of those lifesaving things that you've depended on for as long as you can remember.

What's in your crap drawer?

ps I confess I kept the vodka shot pourer,but hey sometimes going cold turkey getting rid of the crap means you need a drink to recover!

Yo Yo

WARNING- Yo yoing of emotions will be prevalent over the next few weeks,this blog may get tedious and self pitying,quickly followed by moments of elation and joy please bear with me.
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!

Why do I make such a complete and utter tit of myself? Why can't I just hold things in? Why do I have to wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see and steal? Why do I have to wait until things go wrong before I can see there was a problem to be fixed? Why am I so harsh on myself? Why do I expect so much from myself? Why do I set myself time limits on things and get upset when I don't make it? Why do I cry so bloody much? Why do I feel like people are looking at me like I'm an alien being who looks the part but is obviously not of the same species? Why do I seek approval from my father even though I know I'll never be able to bond emotionally with him?Why am I nearly 36 and still getting the same things so spectacularly wrong? Why do I trust so easily? Why do I hurt so easily? Why do I still talk as if I'm on my own in life even though my boyfriend is by my side?Why am I feeling sorry for myself tonight and spilling this out?


Answer: Because I'm me,I'm not flawless.

I still have a lot to learn. I'm realising now that all the insecurities I had growing up are still there,I haven't changed that much I've just learned how to get on as best I can. I was the picked on ginger kid at school, I felt insecure,unaccepted,weak and feeble. Solution now is that I put on some make-up,some nice clothes and I pretend I'm confident. Inside I'm still the insecure,awkward girl but now I'm more socially acceptable.
I'm only ranting now because I've been packing some things up from my house and I'm feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself and a bit like that kid at school. I knew this would be tough, but I must admit it's absolutely bloody shit and without this blog here to take some of the flack,I reckon the men in the white van would be on their way right now.
My daughter is off with her dad tomorrow to go to his girlfriend's parents.They have horses and chickens and all the other things that kids love. I'm being the considerate Mum and packing her wellies and her waterproofs and making sure she wears a riding hat.

Inside I'm screaming and now that she's gone to bed I'm crying.I thank god I've only got a few more weeks in this house because as far as endurance tests go, I'm near my limit

I'm angry because he left all this devastation and I'm the one sweeping up behind him,I'm the one having to heal our daughter,I'm the one having to pack OUR things,I'm the one who has to start again.

Inside I'm screaming

Times they are a' changin

Well just to add a little cheer to my somewhat emotional of late blog,I have at long last (and fingers crossed it wont fall through) sold my house!!! The moment was a humongous melting pot of joy, of at last being able to properly start getting on with my life and a realisation of finality of the end of an era. I am glad to say though that the joy reigns supreme. The feelings tied up in this house have been tolerated through necessity and the weight that is about to be lifted would be enough to sink a small ship.
I figure that if I can get through the last year, and the next few weeks of facing all my memories whilst packing, then I'm fit to conquer anything!! There will be a lot of changes not just for me but for my daughter. She has lived a very comfortable life materially speaking,and is about to learn that not everything she has now just appears from nowhere. Her reaction when I told her that when we move the sky plus TV will be no more,was one of complete horror,but I think it will be the best thing for her.
She has never been a precocious child,nor been given everything she wants but she has maybe not understood before that all the things she takes for granted come at a cost and it will be sharp learning curve for her, but one I believe will make her a better person more appreciative of her surroundings.
The other good news is that 3days later I found a lovely little house for us! It's been fully refurbished and even better- It's VACANT. The buyers who have bought our house have no chain either so this really couldn't be a better scenario.So it looks like in the next 8weeks I will be moved on and starting afresh. It's been a long hard slog to get this far without going completely off my trolley but I've had love and support from my family (and I'm including my ex's family in this who've been a great support to me especially my mother and father-in-law and of course my drama queen niece) and of course over the last few months my bf who has been a pillar of strength. He's had so much to contend with from me what with my wounded spirit but the sticking plasters I was held together with are finally falling away to reveal a lovely new layer of resilience.

Bear with me

So many things have happened over the last few weeks I'm struggling to condense it into words so you'll have to bear with any rambling or emotional outburst's with me along the way I'm afraid.I figure if I apologise upfront you may let me off.Think it may have to take a few posts to cover it.

Here goes for probably the most significant development,which I knew would happen sooner or later. My ex has finally and thankfully admitted that he is with the woman who he had an affair with. He's been trying for the last few weeks to get me to say I have a boyfriend (who may I add has been a godsend) obviously because it would then make it easier for him to get the words out,but I held off for a little bit longer,not out of spite, but purely because I wanted mine and boyfriends little spell of idyllic privacy to go on for just a bit longer,and my hurt to stay suppressed.

Anyway,ex came over to pick up mini me and we had a few things to talk over about the never ending house saga (starting to think I'll still be here at christmas) and a certain business issue I have (a whole other post!)which he's helping me with, he made a few references to what my 'Special friend' thought of things. I told him he was of the same opinion as ex was and is also supporting me. I then asked him what his 'special friend' thought,and he said he hadn't discussed it with her yet. So there we are both skirting round things, so I plucked up a little courage and asked him if his girlfriend was who I thought she was.He replied 'yes,but it's not been going on as long as you think it has'
There, the words were out and I was still alive, just!
I know exactly how long this has been going on and unbeknown to ex, I had openly discussed it with his Mum and told her that I expected him to do as follows:

1. Deny he was having a relationship with her when we were together - check
2.Say that it was over anyway - check
3. Leave a gap of several months saying he was having some time alone and wasn't ready for a relationship - check
4.After several months they would just hapen to decide that they were inextricably drawn together but wanted to take it easy and see what happens - check

The last part is the most ridiculous unless taking your new girlfriend to meet the parents and bringing 'our' best friends down to your new bachelor pad to introduce her to them is taking it slow? Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but my so called friends were disgusted with his behaviour and hers,but now it looks like they'll all be bosom buddies,yippee.
But hey you know what,I reckon I'm allowed a little rant.This is the man who would not own up to an affair but instead I had to find out about it by receiving his and hers holiday flight tickets through my door (which he'd booked for the day after our tenth wedding anniversary!Our tenth wedding anniversary,which was supposed to be being spent in Vegas renewing our wedding vows and had been booked just a few months previously)
So there I am sitting there, trying to keep myself composed when he drops in this clanger, 'I know you probably don't want to hear this but she's a really nice person'
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man has no idea that he's ripped my heart out,torn it into a million pieces and is now proceeding to rub my own face in it.
But, and this is such a BIG but, I don't know how I pulled it off,I sat there and said to him I would be the bigger person and accept this and that as she was obviously going to be a part of my daughter's life,I want them to spend a bit of time together to get to know one another.

Inside my very soul is tearing in two,I feel like my life has been stolen,but I have to move on. I have to.I have to. I have to.

There is more to tell from that day and I feel I am sacrificing my very being by what I did but hey,life isn't bloody easy is it,love can give you the greatest joy and it can tear you apart,I'm just trying to do the right thing for my child,I'll have my private moments of grief that she'll never get to see.But I will never poison her head and will bring her up to respect others and have the moral standards that others seem to have misplaced.
I have the love,support,patience and understanding of BF.I told him that,emotionally, the next few months will be hard for me,packing all my memories and dreams into cardboard boxes will no doubt bring it's tears but I'm hoping that when I finally get out of this permanent daily reminder of my marital home and the pain of the last year, I will at last be able to put the demons to rest.

here and gone again

Just a quick note to say I've been on holiday hence the absence, but now I need a bit of a sabatical as certain things going on at the mo that require my full attention and emotional strength. To be honest,I don't know if I have any of that left,but I'll try. I'll also try and vent about it soon cos I'm sure it may help, I just have to sort out the grey matter first. xx

BOOOOZE

You must forgive any spelling mistakes,bad grammar (well,more than usual anyway) poor content and self pity this week. I have been severely visited by the hangover fairy. She waved her wand over my head on Friday night and continued her evil magic on Saturday. I now have a faceful of spots, bags under my eyes like an overfilled potato sack and reckon I may have easily have gained a few pounds.
All my own fault, as I never found the inner strength to resist the fact that there was more than one bottle of wine in my house on Friday night. This was thanks to a lovely visit from Drama Queen's BF (my home is their home)who was passing on his wee visit to the UK. My BF also came over as we'd decided to make a little night of it by having some nice grub followed by a visit to our local. We had the grub (home made Lasagne and garlic ciabatta with Italian salad) but because everyone had bought wine we decided to drink some of that before the pub. We never made it!
BF had also brought some lager with him so after a few glasses of wine for him and then going onto lager,that left me and DQ's BF with the wine. BIG MISTAKE!! I am not proud of this (least of all for the fact I'm not even meant to drink wine) but we got through 3 bottles of red ( a nice chianti,cabernet sauvignon and a lovely fruity beaujolais)Once they'd gone it was discovered that there was also a bottle of chardonnay in the fridge, so we got through half of that as well. The choices being made on my Ipod after that were definitely ecclectic to say the least.
I am not a big drinker and, because of mini me, am generally a responsible adult (honest) but the conversation was flowing,mini me was at her Dad's and for some reason it seemed like a great idea at the time.
I take great comfort in the fact that I was definitely not the only one worse for wear,however remind me never ever to do that the day before I am scheduled in to take mini me and 10 (YES 10!) of her friends to McDonalds and then the cinema!! I may have to go one step further though and just say remind me never to take 11 children to McDonalds and then the cinema even if I was well.

Expand your horizons

As you may have noticed, I have been rather preoccupied with BF recently, and the whole getting used to being in a new relationship thingy. This has given me less time to peruse the wonderful and not so wonderful blogland, so this week I've decided that it might be a good idea to give myself a task to go and find one new blog a week for the next month that I really enjoy reading and then spreading the word of said new blog (after all we all love to be noticed in some way don't we)
Obviously this will be my taste that I enjoy for one reason or another.It may make me laugh,it may make me think (harder task than making me laugh believe me!),it may make me cry or ponder why on earth we feel the need to do this in the first place,and it may be completely bizarre (like the one I found the other day linked to my blog because I mentioned the word 'Shirt' once?) This is a purely self indulgent project but it goes back to the subject brought up by Drama Queen about lurkers. Those people who visit but never comment. So if you choose to visit the blogs I've found please feel free to leave one.

It's very easy just to keep visiting the same blog's all the time,as once we've found our little niche it's easier to stay there. Then there's the restriction of time, it would take us forever to go trawling through searching out new reading material and keeping up with them,so I'm volunteering to do some of the running around for you.Go on expand your horizons! And if you really cant be arsed look on my sidebar and see if there's anyone there you haven't seen before and go visit. My first blog I've found that I like (and have linked) is All in a days work!! and todays post is about if we had a vitual boyfriend what would we make him do. I can think of a few things for that one!

getting to know me

My last post about mine and BF's weekend away seemed to prompt more queries about our 1st minor spat than the nerve wracking experience of me meeting his Mum and Son for the first time. Oh the voyeuristic nature of humans eh. But I couldn't not let you know about this weekend as it was as much me getting to know myself as it was BF getting to know me.
This weekend he went on a stag weekend to Prague. I sent him off with best wishes for a safe journey and an enjoyable drunken weekend,whilst at the same time looking forward to a girly weekend of TV,bubble baths and self indulgence.
I figured I would miss him,a lot,but I also figured I may actually look forward to a weekend of not having to make sure I'd shaved my legs and carefully applied my make up to look like I wasn't wearing any even though I know he doesn't care if I am or not (I think it's nice to make a bit of effort!)What I didn't bank on was learning exactly how damaged I am and how he was put on this earth to guide me by the hand through the demons.
It all started fine,and I know what happens on Stag do's,I'm not naive,I just never particularly cared to hear about them.Thing is though BF didn't know this and on the Saturday night,being the honest boy that he is and thinking I'd find it funny,proceeded to text me to tell me how they'd all chipped in to get the Groom a dance at a strip club. Cue me,not laughing, as I would have expected myself to in a previous life,but panicking and sobbing and getting myself unbelievably worked up.
You see the moment he told me, I had visions of him,watching this girl who he doesn't know,dancing close, naked,enjoying it and laughing.It took me straight back to the haunting visions I lived with day and night when I knew my then husband was sleeping with someone else but had no proof.He'd deny it,he'd sleep with me, but I knew.If the person you love does that to you it tears you apart.At that time your brain never stops the nightmares of those visions of them together,touching,kissing,whispering intimacies to each other and you feel like you're being laughed at,made a mockery of and generally you're self esteem vanishes.It all flooded into my head. I felt weak,insecure and needy and more upset than I would have ever thought.I shocked myself.
I replied that I'd rather not hear about it and kept my message light as I didn't want give in to this insecure side of me bursting through the surface of calm I've had for the last couple of months. But I never ended my message with a kiss and immediately gave myself away.He knew I was upset,he tried to call,I couldn't speak for fear of saying the wrong thing,he tried again,twice,I switched the phone off to compose myself.I then sent him a message explaining how what he had just said and done made me feel and the reason why.He replied,he was devastated he'd upset me, he understood exactly, and me not answering my phone had made him feel like his world was collapsing around him,he spent the next few hours calling me to make sure I was ok and reassuring me.He never got drunk that night.
I then got worried that I'd spoiled his weekend,but this was quickly dispelled by him telling me that it hadn't been spoiled,he'd just learned a bit more about me,how much I'd been put through and how much it had affected me and that he wants to help repair the damage.
Up until that point I thought the only major hurdle I'd had to get over was that of getting over my ex,but it's not.I'm over him, but the after effects of what he did will be with me for a long time to come,the feelings of inadequacy,being disrespected,unwanted,unloved,all those things which get buried in the quagmire of daily existence are just sitting there waiting for their chance to escape into your psyche and make you doubt yourself.
I was as shocked by my reaction, as he was to how upsetting me made him feel.He's not the only one learning about me,I am learning too,about the new me and all that she comes with.
I know he respects me,I know he's proud of me,I know he wants me and yes I know he loves me,but who said these feelings of doubt were rational.It'll take time,understanding and it'll take love,he wants to help repair the damage and just by his reassuring words I feel that his wish has already begun to work.

tantrums and tiaras

After having a long spell of my life as a married person you'd reckon on the fact that I'd had a fair few disagreements with my husband in that time. Truth be told though that we never did. Even when we split up (save for the day the plane tickets for him and his bit on the side plopped through my door by mistake)we have stayed reasonably amicable and argument free. I have in the past though had inkling of things bubbling away under the surface of both me and him that were, rightly or wrongly,ignored for a peaceful existence.
This weekend however BF and I went away for a weekend of fun and also to introduce me to some of his family, and promptly had our first argument! I shant go into what it was about as it is irrelevant but insecurities on both our halves may well have come into play, as well as a more than generous helping of alcohol. The thing is though after we'd both calmed each of our viewpoints were put across, we listened to each other, we looked at how we came across to each other, we understood and we learned a little more about who we are. We were both completely honest with how we felt and I, for one,learned that just because we fall out about something it is not the death knell of a relationship,far from it. In fact I do believe that unless we honestly iron out any issues we have with each other then those little creases may well become whopping great holes.
Our disagreement was small but not insignificant to him or me.For a change, I didn't just agree with what was said (as in previous relationships), I stood up for and was honest about myself.He did the same and we now know a little more about what makes each other tick and what makes us ticked off, which can only be a good thing.

Now the whole point of this weekend was to meet BF's Mum and son! I wasn't too nervous about meeting his Mum as I've never had a problem chatting to anyone in my own age group and above. Teenagers though are a completely different kettle 'o' fish and especially teenage boys!
His Mum, as I thought was easy to get along with and pretty close to how I imagined her to be. She was chatty,amiable and had a very friendly face.She's also promised to show me lots of embarassing photo's so instantly has earned my respect.
His son was also exactly as I thought, a boy of few words (my little brother is not long out of this stage but still has some of the traits) But also I can tell he will do well.He was intelligent and seemed to know what he wants out of life in some respects (we cant possibly know enough at the tender age of 16 after all, no matter how much we think we do)He wants to go to University and carry on his love of business studies, and at his age wanting to carry on learning can only be a good thing. He wants to get a job over the summer so is not work shy. Talking easily will be a thing that will come to him and me as we get to know each other a bit more,of that I have no doubt, but all in all I think I did ok and apparently he said I was nice when I left him and his Dad alone for a bit, so I guess in teenage speak I passed.
I for one though am glad that bit is over with as I'd forgotten just how nerve wracking the initial meeting can be, even at my age when I'm supposed to be all grown up and self assured.Maybe someone would like to tell that to my resident butterflies, which I'd thought had flown the Phoenix nest a long time ago.

How weird is this!!

Saw this on Just a Girl's blog,go on you know you want to!

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weekends and rain

The impromptu weekends are always the best! Mum turned up on Thursday night and was looking great with new hairdo to boot. I gained extra brownie points for commenting on it,brownie points which were stolen from my 2 younger brothers and stepdad,none of whom apparently noticed Mum's new barnet. Why is it that guys never learn to notice these little things that make a woman feel good? Your life would be so much rosier guys believe me!
Anway, tired and weary parents and tired and weary me(who'd spent the day running round trying to make the place look like I'd been a past student from the excellent housewife academy)retired to bed about 1am after much chinwagging and tea.
Next morning at the ungodly hour of 6.30 mini me stuck her head round my door to say good morning completely unaware that her Granny and Papa were asleep in the next room. I asked her if she would go and check on the cat as I thought I'd heard her in the spare bedroom. She opened the door and the delight on her face was picture perfect. She flung her arms around her Grandparents (who she hasn't seen for months)and proceeded to offer everyone a cup of tea in bed (I have her well trained now)
After tea and breakfast sadly mini me had to go to school, so after much hugging and promises of visits in the summer hols,off we went.
Now Mum and Stepdad were off to my Uncle's birthday party some 90miles away and were just stopping off at me on the way, but when I got back from the school run,Mum suggested that me and mini me come and join them on the saturday for the party! It hasn't stopped raining for 2weeks and everyone's a bit down in the mouth about it,and BF was away at the weekend so I thought it'd be a great idea to cheer us up and meet up with some family I haven't seen in way too long. Mini me would just be delighted that she was getting to stay up past 8o'clock.
So off we went on the saturday,air bed and duvet packed in the back,2 packets of crisps for the journey and mini me navigating (she is an expert at reading AA routefinder pages) and we turned up at our destination 2hours later ready to party. And party we did!!
The was a spanish theme to the evening so there was plenty of good food and Sangria, a proper Flamenco dancer, who danced for 2 hours and got us all learning the steps (after a few jugs of Sangria this was quite an achievement believe me)Mini me informed me that the dancer would have sponges inside her shoes, as I'd commented there was no way a normal person would have been able to sustain that amount of foot stamping for that length of time. Mini me and me had joined in with the theme as much as we could what with the very short notice,so both had our hair tied back with roses in it, she had a lovely long skirt with frills round it and looked a picture. After a few drinks I didn't look such a picture but hey I was having fun.
When we left at around midnight,I was slightly tipsy and mini me was tired but happy. It was still pouring with rain but this time it wasn't dampening our spirits. We'd had a great weekend,we danced,we spent time with family (some of whom mini me had never met) and I was glad I'd decided to be a bit impulsive.

Surprises

'I'm so excited and I just can't hide it'.
Cheesy, but i don't care a jot. I'm jumping round the house today like Tigger on acid!
Why?
Because I called my Mum yesterday - as I do most days - and dropped the comment in that I'd see her very soon,as me and BF are off up to the Burgh at the end of July. She paused and said 'well it may be a bit sooner than that'.
Brill I thought, a wee visit from my Mum,who I miss like crazy.So I asked her when I'd be seeing her, 'How does tomorrow sound?' she said.
Fan-bloody-tastic!!!
I have no idea how she managed to keep it quiet but I love surprises like that.When you're so far away from your nearest and dearest (especially during times of emotional trauma or stress)the thought of just being able to be near them is enough to make me jump in the car and drive the 350 miles for a hug from my Mum.
I have the unbelievably bad weather we're having here at the moment to thank as well. You see my Stepdad is a bonafide farmer, and this time of year is normally written off for any type of break because it's normally when it's warm and dry enough to bale the hay. Not this year though,the torrential downpours have put paid to the hay being dry enough for at least a few weeks.Every cloud has a silver lining (although I do hope it stops raining soon,the country is in complete chaos)
It's just an overnight visit as her and my lovely stepdad are off to my Uncle's 60th further south,but I don't care,it's a fix of family that'll keep me going for the next few weeks till I see them all again. I'm off out to buy some more grub for tomorrow's breakfast and am so looking forward to seeing mini-me's face when she sees her Granny and Papa walking down the drive because her Mummy likes giving her surprises too.

The time is now

For the last few days I've had a debate going on in my head (I have two Phoenix's in there and sometimes they get on, but at times like this they need to be regularly pulled apart and reprimanded for scrapping!).
Things are going exceptionally well with New guy, so well in fact that a name change is now necessary to the grand title of BF (he asked if I'd do him the honour of being his GF and I thought about it for all of 3seconds). We spend loads of great time together,we have a weekend booked away next weekend (when I shall be meeting his Mum and his Son!!), we have just booked a trip to Amsterdam which shall be finished off by a weekend in Edinburgh and,without wanting to jinx anything,we have become the best of friends.
So when do I tell ex?
I wanted to keep BF to myself for as long as possible,however a few incidents recently have caused me to reassess. You see at the moment I see him the weekends when ex has mini me and some evenings during the week when she's safely tucked up in bed. But in my head I feel as if I'm sneaking around doing something wrong because of the secrecy. I know I'm not doing anything wrong.I've been on my own for a long time,ex had an affair which he handled in the worst possible way and he broke up the family,so I'm under no cloud of guilt in that respect,but I want to shout from the rooftops how I've found this wonderful person who makes me feel happy and safe.
I also though have to be a responsible parent and be guided by the feelings and emotions of my child.
She, however, is desperate to meet this man who's making her Mum smile again. She turned round the other day and said she was so glad she told me to get a boyfriend as he's made me happy,and if I'm happy then she's happy.She also said she wants to meet him and knows already she likes him because of how he's made me *8 going on 28!*
I don't talk about him every minute of the day to her,but I've gradually brought his name into conversations and she's openly asked questions,of which I answer honestly.She is a very bright child and emotionally balanced.She tells me daily how she is proud to have me as her Mum and I tell her how proud I am of her and how she's handled the last year.
I hate that I have to make this my ex's business but I wouldn't appreciate it if he introduced another woman to her without telling me first,so there's no way I can avoid it.I just didn't plan on it being so soon.
Mini me's birthday is in 4 weeks time and it's after then that I now want to introduce her to BF,but do I tell ex well before then to let him get used to the idea or is the day before adequate? I know what I want to do,but a lot of that has to do with how I feel about BF and not necessarily because it's the sensible thing to do.

mish mash

On a slight continuation of my last post I have gained 10lbs since last Monday.Thankfully the demon steroids finish today so hopefully my clothes will not be struggling so much by next week. Fortunately for me I am erring on the skinny side so can afford to gain the weight without gaining muffin tops over my jeans,I just feel slightly uncomfortable.Just thought I'd get that out there because it's scared me that pills can have such a drastic effect in such a short space of time!
On another note completely I was clearing out one of my kitchen drawers the other day and hidden at the back was a florists card-you know the ones they send when someone thoughtfully has a bouquet delivered to your door. I opened it. I read it and to my complete horror I sobbed my eyes out.
It said 'Dear 'Phoenix' Love you and miss you,look forward to coming home and seeing you on Valentines day.Lots of love,your husband.xx'
Now those of you who have read my blog know said husband is now ex, and those of you who were around when I was going through emotional hell and had another blog (cathartically deleted now) categorising my every pain know how far I have come and the heartbreak he put me and our daughter through.But here was evidence that he did used to care?-the bouquet wasn't even for Valentines it was because he was away before hand for a week or so and was missing the build up.I have no idea why I cried,I suppose it may be because here was a memory of love lost but also i realised that for all the bouquets and well meaning words of love and affection,his actions betrayed his true feelings and he really did a lot of these things to make himself appear to be the perfect husband which I thought he was.
I am now in the process of selling our home and moving on with my life and am stronger and more focused than I have ever been.I will find many more of these little momentos in the process, but I will not cry any more.These things are from a past I am part of but they will not dictate to me and make me sorrowful, I will use them to make me even stronger and realise that what I am embarking on now is the life I choose and I know now exactly what I want out of it.
I'm not talking careers,homes,material posessions or bouquets of flowers delivered to my door,I'm talking true happiness and honesty and someone who appreciates me for being me and not another posession.
Although it's been a very short time,I have met someone who makes me happy,who treats me with respect and as an equal,who makes me feel like I am the most precious woman on the planet,who is patient as a saint,who listens not dictates,who shares his thoughts,who cares about my welfare,who respects the fact that my child comes before anything and most importantly(as well as the fact he has bright red lips tattoed on his arse) makes me laugh my head off. He does do the flowers but he brings them himself without the fanfare and he only brings the ones he knows I love.This is how I want my life to be. x

Developments

Remember the cold New guy gave me a couple of weeks ago well it kinda got worse. I now have a glorious chest infection which has aggravated my asthma and am now the proud owner of Antibiotics,steroids and anti-asthma tablets. Bleurgh!! I thought I was getting better but then woke up on Monday morning after spending most of the night coughing, feeling like I'd been hit by a train. For those of you who don't have it (and it is a fairly recent thing for me due to a later in life food allergy) asthma just totally wears you out. If you don't have a wheeze then it's a constant dry cough which worsens during the night,your lung capacity is severely curtailed and due to the lack of oxygen you just feel constantly tired.
So I made the required appointment to see the emergency nurse,who then referred me to the emergency doctor,who then prescribed me a cocktail of drugs to clear up my rubbish chest infection.
I trot (well a very slow trot)down to the chemist and pick up all my concoctions then head home to start the game of 'see how much you can rattle when you walk'.I read the labels and start my course of 'make me better you sods' and i make the mistake of deciding to read the information leaflets. Now any of you about to take anything to cure an ailment I warn you DO NOT READ THAT LEAFLET.
Here are some of the side effects listed (bear in mind I have aspirin sensitive asthma,related to salicylate in food,but have to take small doses of Aspirin daily to desensitise me)
:Do Not take these tablets if you
Have ever had an allergic reaction to these tablets or any of the ingredients in the tablets.Ponceau4R and sunset yellow are azo dyes which can cause allergic reactions including asthma.These reactions are more common in people allergic to Aspirin.Therefore check with your doctor if you are taking any of the following:
*Blah de blah large lists of drugs* INCLUDING- aspirin and salicylates!
Allergic symptoms include:puffy face,swollen tongue,swollen body,severe shortness of breath,swelling,shock and collapse.If you develop any of these symptoms stop taking the medicine and contact your doctor immediately *(I'm assuming you can manage to do this before you go into shock and collapse on the floor,although no time limits are given,how inconsiderate!)
Other symptoms include,muscle cramps,weakness,nausea,pain in back,hips,ribs,arms,shoulders or legs *(would have been easier writing your whole body will ache like f**k!)unusual bruising,acne,rapid weight gain,pancreatitis, oh and tell your doctor immediately if you get very severe abdominal pains...........and the list goes on
I'm sorry but am I missing something here?? I WANT TO GET BETTER
next time I get anything from the doc,that leaflet's staying firmly inside the box.

weekend

Right the weekend has passed,but did New Guy?
Well really the only person who knows for sure is the one and only Drama Queen!! But put it this way,she liked the fact she and lovely boyfriend had the opportunity to talk and be genuinely listened to at the dinner table (ex liked being sole centre of attention and even if he engaged you in conversation,he quickly glazed over if you spoke for longer than 2mins on a subject he hadn't brought up). It was also nice that New Guy and DQ's bf had a lot in common career wise and were quite happy chattering together in the garden whilst me and DQ made ourselves pretty for our night out at the Japanese restaurant.
The restaurant proved to be a definite plus (apart from the fact we never got sat at the tepanyaki table) As it would have been impossible not to laugh at the two grown up couples making the biggest mess you've ever seen bar a chimps tea party. The noodles were served in a soup base,with round chopsticks,and trying to delicately serve them on to the tiny plates was nigh on impossible.Much swearing ensued,which I hope wasn't heard by the children at the table next to ours!We partook of just one jug of Saki. It may have been more if myself and DQ had not had previous experience of the demon drink. Saki has the deviousness and cunning of a wily fox in the drinkworld. It lures you in by thinking such a tiny thimbleful of innocent rice wine can't possibly have an effect,so you have more.You feel nothing while sitting in the comfort of the establishment,but then you step outside into the fresh air and BAM!you lose the use of your legs,your eyes,vocal chords,in fact anything in your body that's meant to help you find your way home deserts you!
So all in all we had a lovely evening,we made a total mess at the table,we headed back to the house,listened to some choice music (my Ipod has some seriously dodgy tunes on it but would whoever put on the christmas album on to my playlist please own up now!),chatted,took photo's and then got on to the subject of body art.
I may do a whole other post this subject but suffice to say DQ and bf were in stitches at New Guys choices of tattoos and I think it was the final confirmation that actually he was an ok bloke,with an obvious sense of humour but more than capable of laughing at himself. For those of you who are interested he has two pairs of bright red lips tattooed to his arse!!(now there's an icebreaker in the bedroom) So I think all in all it went pretty well.
In the morning we all had breakfast together,the boys showed off their domestic skills with the washing and drying of dishes without being asked,DQ and bf got ready to go back to Belgium (with half of my Art collection gratefully stuffed in the back of their car-A wee present from me that I know will be appreciated for their new home wherever that may end up being)Then as they were leaving DQ said the loveliest thing that brought a tear to my eye.She turned to New Guy and thanked him for making her Auntie smile again,and soppy though this may be I'd like to thank her too.
My ex is her uncle,I am an aunt through marriage but we have always been very close.I realise that this was going to be strange to see someone else in the house her aunt and uncle were together in,and to see me with someone else but it never showed.All that showed from her and bf was themselves,relaxed and for that I am truly grateful.So thanks for a great weekend and hopefully there'll be many more to come (though maybe without the food stains on shirts eh!)

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases

Behaving like a teenager is all well and very good at my age,but this morning I woke up after a lovely evening with New guy feeling like I had literaly been hit by a truck!
My bones ache, my throat is like sandpaper,my eyes are smarting and I am very very hot!!
I would love it if the reason was total over exuberance in the bedroom,but seeing as he was round at mine with mini me asleep and unaware of my evening visitor I'm afraid that's a no no. (I have some morals you know) The reason is, after a particularly long snogging session on the couch,he's given me his bloody cold!
Before he left last night he mentioned he had a bit of a cough but thought it was just a tickly throat as he never ever catches colds. I thought thank god for that because I catch colds like you wouldn't believe and when I get them they really floor me.
I have a very low immune system due to a food allergy which leaves me with a restricted diet.This in turn denies me of a lot of nutrients I need to fend off everyday ailments. It will improve in time as my allergy is being de-sensitised at the moment by some very nice Professor in London.So I will gradually be able to reintroduce all the fruit and veg I so miss.
However for the time being,I feel like crap,I am the palest person in paleville and it even hurts to type this.That'll teach me for thinking I'm 20years younger.
So next time he comes anywhere near me with the slightest sniffle kissing is strictly off the menu!

blah de blah house on fire

Blimey,
It's a week after our first date and new guy's still here. Not only is he still here but we've been on 3 dates (alot for a first week I reckon) and last night we sat in and watched Pulp Fiction, which he bought for me on the way over because he knew I'd lost mine.There's a lot to be said for behaving like teenagers watching movies on the couch!
All in all thoughtful,funny,generous,kind and an apparently genuine bloke.Long may it last. Next weekend we've arranged to have dinner at a japanese restaurant to help celebrate my niece's boyfriend's graduation* and if he passes that test (my niece is very protective of me in my new found dating life)then I know I've gotten some decent dating material. I must say though it is nice to have someone to talk to late at night when the loneliness used to kick in but now I'm finding myself thinking of our next meeting and feeling a whole lot less sorry for myself.
On another completely random note,can someone please tell me why every half term it pees down with rain every day(today we've had thunder,lightning and hail!)and just as I'm about to cut the grass.The grass is now ankle height thanks to the sun/rain combination,and it shows no sign of abating. Bugger!!
*niece would like everyone to know that this is bf's second graduation,he is in fact nearly 30 and not 21 as may have been interpreted.She is therefore not a cradlesnatcher but she will be testing new guy with all her best interrogational abilities (which are very scary I may add)

turn up for the books

whats going on and when will it go wrong?
negative,cautious,cynical statement? whatever! I've learned so much by being smacked by life over the past year Im never going to be counting my chickens before they hatch at the chicken ranch ever again. This weekend though I went on a fantastic date,with a lovely,polite,down to earth guy who made me laugh my head off and completely lose track of time while we chatted non stop about anything and everything. There was no awkwardness from minute one. He said later an ex had told him 'you aint no oil painting,but there's something about you' not strictly true I thought cos he has a lovely face, there was something reassuring it which put me at ease immediately. We parted arranging another date and not dinner this time,a nice mid morning walk next week followed by stopping off at one of the lovely local pubs for a nice spot of lunch.So a successful initial introduction to the world of online dating and then, surprise number 2,text guy may have to change his name to bike guy as he actually turned up on time for our bike ride this morning and said he'd had such a good time he would really like to make it a regular thing. Looks like my instincts of him being better mates potential than dates potential may've been spot on. Now there's no alterior motive on either side, we are relaxed in each others company,right down to discussing dating and friendship!He's so much of a bachelor he could give ole cliff a run for his money,but he's fiercely loyal to his friends as I am to mine and I think I've made a new one.
I'll keep you posted on the other!

internet dating

What's your thoughts? and be honest! This week after being pissed off by text guy (who I'm getting on great with now there's no will they/won't they rubbish) and his unreliabilty,then being commandeered in a club by several guys who no doubt thought I was just theirs for the taking. I have joined an internet dating site! I decided to go for a paying one as I figured i may get a slightly better class of 'lonely guy sitting at computer'.
So I registered along with a friend of mine to Match.com (girls like to compare notes boys,so beware)and left it for a day. Hey presto got up in the morning and it was like Man shopping! I had 69 emails (omen?oops sorry that was a bit naughty hehe)Now this was on Saturday and I've had several responses from guys who I actually think seem pretty good bets for dates. But just to make sure they are who they say they are blah de blah de blah I've googled them.Does anyone else do that or is it just me?
So anyway I have my first blind date on Friday (I say blind,but I've seen pictures so no need for roses in lapels and newspapers tucked under arms)and he's a director for a pharmaceutical company not too far from me. We appear to have a lot in common and he's a straight talker like me so if there's no spark we know there'll be no playing games pretending there is.If anything from this I appear to be making some good friends as I'm not the kind of girl who gets all arsey if it doesn't work out and am perfectly capable of carrying on a platonic relationship and still enjoying their company. I have a long bike ride planned on Saturday with text guy and am looking forward to kicking his arse-though he reckons if I have a date on Friday involving alcohol I won't even manage 5miles, but I promise I'll behave;-)

*note-I promise not to get drunk and blog on Friday night like my niece cos she can still spell when she's pissed,well almost 'wold'*

Text Guy No More

We went out. We had fun. I got drunk. So did he. We have nothing in common bar physical attraction. We do like each other. We didn't want to rip each others clothes off after the weeks of tension.We're going to be bike partners.We will make better friends than lovers.I like him better already.

art tart

How does this sound for a job? Art Exhibition Escort. So far this week 2 artists who I know relatively well, have asked me to escort them to exhibitions.
One is a local exhibition on Picasso the other is an exhibition in London by watercolour artist John White (16th century).I know relatively little about either,though I have been to a few exhibitions on Picasso I've had to read up a bit about John White.
I do enjoy going to these things,if only to bring down the tone a notch or two as I find some of the people that go to these things infuriatingly boring and, well, to put it gently,up their own arses! I've a feeling that the artists who I'm going with tend to find this type of attitude really refreshing and is possibly why they ask me to accompany them,as more often than not I've found that the artists themselves hate going to these things simply because of the supposed officianado's.Sometimes a bit of lightheartedness and jollity is required!
I love art, I appreciate the work and time and love that goes into paintings,sculptures or whatever the subject is. I marvel at the imagination and skill,I wish I could do half of what I've seen but what I hate more than anything is people telling me what it's all about. I like to take my own thoughts on the work but would never imply to know the inner workings of the artists minds,only they know that and half the time you'll find that they themselves don't know,they just liked what was coming out on the canvas,either that or they were pissed!(happens a lot,some of my best work was done accompanied by vodka)
So I'll happily go along and be art totty but I'm warning any 'appreciators of his work' don't approach me telling me how this painting shows me a window into his soul or I'll stick my paintbrush where the sun don't shine.

Pillars of Salt

Text guy wants to come out cycling with me!
He's doing some sort of triathlon type challenge thingy for charity but tends to do most of his training at the gym (nowt like going outside I say)
Anyway he was asking the other day, who I go with and how far etc etc. I reckon I go about 10 miles each day but as I have never measured it and don't have a fancy Jameslike contraption that tells me distance,calories and what I had for breakfast I really have no idea(can I borrow that though James when you move down here as I'd love to know all that stuff,well except the breakfast obviously).
All I know is I'm out on average about an hour and a half a day,rain or shine,music blaring without a care in the world.I get muddy,I get rained on,I get covered in bike oil when my chain comes off (happens frequently when I skip too many gears going uphill)and generally look like a right state when I'm done.
I also can cope when things go wrong i.e the chain scenario-today my chain came off whilst going up a particularly steep hill and became wedged tight in between the wheel and cogs,but I did not panic.It took me 10mins but I got it out and back on and was on my way without trauma.
My worry is,will I turn into a complete woossey girl if he's around or turn into this fiercely independent scary girl who is perfectly capable of turning a man to salt with the slightest glance if he even attempts to save me from the trauma of getting a bit of oil on my fingers.
You know what it's like sometimes when a guy is around ,things that you are perfectly able to do suddenly become things you'd need to get the fire brigade,police and SAS in to save you from. Spiders are my thing for that!I hate them and when I had a man around I'd turn into this frozen pillar of fear,only able to utter the words 'get it get it get it get it,QUICK,get it get it'
Now however,whilst still a bit afraid,I take a deep breath,approach the fiend with a mag or shoe and - animal lovers I make no apology for this - I splat the little bugger!
So anyway we shall wait and see,I'm only hoping he doesn't suggest it before our dinner date on Friday because Im sure the hosts don't just want me turning up accompanied by a 6ft tall pillar of salt as I've a feeling woossey is not my thing any more. hee hee

breathing

Life is looking up again. Friday night I was taken out by a friend (male) to a champagne and canapes evening.We had a great night sitting there waxing lyrical over how long it had been since we'd sat down and had a good chinwag about what was going on in each others lives,who we'd been seeing,what our future plans were what was happening in my ever changing life!
We had lots of champagne and talked all night and he told me that it was really great to see me so happy and strong again. I told him that my life now is going to be lived on a daily basis, I have ideas of how I'd like it to go but I'm never going to set anything in stone and as far as men go I don't particularly want a relationship but do want to have male company,someone who I can call up to go out,but not expect anything from nor he from me.
He thought this was possibly the most sensible thing he'd heard me utter all night (the champagne hit quite early on you see). He said too many women coming out of a long term relationship make the fatal error of diving straight into a new one without giving themselves a bit of breathing space to really find out what they want and who they are as an individual.
I thought about this a lot and I have to say he has a point. Up until now I've never been without a partner through my whole adult life,and have never ever had a break to find out what I really like doing for myself (I've discovered I love cycling and it's good for hangovers !)So when my ex left I didn't have a clue what to do when left to my own devices. It's funny how you fall into a pattern of doing things because someone else likes them.It's not always a bad thing as obviously that's what being a couple is all about,but I'd definitely say if I do have another relationship at some point that I will most certainly make time for me.
ps Geordie guy's never been heard of again,but Text boy's surprised me and asked me out to a proper grown up dinner party with his friends!Maybe I've been too cynical in my initial judgement of him,he's working hard bless him.

the child

I try to avoid talking about my daughter here because this blog is my way of not being mum for a few minutes a day, a kind of release of a bit of me so to speak. Today though I'd just like to say how proud I am of her,of her amazing capacity to cope with all that life has thrown at her in the last year, her caring soul,her empathy with others, her huge heart, her love of family,her intelligence and understanding despite her tender years, her sincerity,her manners,her ability to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry,her wit,her smile and for loving her mum with such openness. I tell her all these things and I tell her I'm proud and how much I love her but I just wanted to share it,it's good to talk.x

ho hum

Right I was all big and soooo self assured and deleted Text guy's number from my phone the other day,but doesn't make a slightest jot of a difference when he's not deleted mine = A lot of messaging
I tried to ignore them but when someone asks then 'you ok?' I can't help myself
Even worse when I tell him he's: a workaholic,impulsive,likes the chase but can take or leave the catch, doesn't want me in the flesh but would prefer a virtual playmate.
He explained why he's not been in touch over the last few weeks bar a few messages, of which I won't go into cos it'll make me sound even worse.Cue me starting to feel a little bit guilty.
He says he is definitely not a player, (as I'd heard from a reliable source, but I struggle to trust any man that eligible who says he's not one!) far from it.
I told him I thought he could have his pick of partner but just liked a bit of a challenge,he replied he could say the same about me (told you he was smooth!) Anyway to cut a very very long story short he then flirted,I then flirted back,he got naughty, I got naughty back and now we're back to square one and supposedly going out at the weekend.I am weak weak weak but oh it felt so so good.
Oh and Geordie boy has been notably absent since Saturday despite saying 'I'll call you tomorrow for a chat and we'll organise to meet up'! *pah*

ps please gohere and read John's post for the day,I defy anyone not to laugh.x

knowing

I remember my favourite English teacher always telling me before we wrote a story, that it was often easier if we wrote about what we knew, even if it was a fictional story it would make it more believable. He told us that many authors did alot of research into the subjects they were writing about to make it easier to form a plot and characters that the readers could relate to.
So why is it then that I've been writing (sort of) for the last few weeks on a subject I obviously know nothing about. I never realised that coming out of a relationship (I had one, so obviously I know that bit) and finding myself,at the age of 35, single and thinking of dating again was such a minefield!

First of all there's actually getting out in the first place.Not as easy as it sounds.
When you've just had a very small social circle of married, settled friends and then find yourself not married (not through choice) not settled and a mum, then your list of available friends to go out with becomes scarily small.

Then there's knowing where to go. Places I would have gone when I was in my early twenties are no longer places I would go now and I also don't want to get stuck in the doing a hobby thing-It's just not me.

Then there's finding someone in that place who you think you would get on with and have some fun, who'd also think the same as you.
I tend to have no particular problem talking to or being approached by men when I go out but my problem is how much do I tell them. The first question is usually 'are you single' to which I always now say 'yes' unless I don't particularly want to talk to them.I am still officially married, but seeing as my ex is now happily residing about 90miles away in his little shag pad and left 10months ago I think this is a fairly truthful statement.

Next it's 'what do you do' to which I answer 'I'm a self employed artist', and if I really like them I'll add 'and a part time artists model' both true, but the second one is always a clincher in the conversation stakes!

So after that it's usually talk about what all this involves (no I don't take all my clothes off) and discussion on what they do, what ages we are blah blah blah,then drinks are bought, maybe numbers exchanged. Very very rarely am I asked if I have children, which surprises me given my age,or if I'm divorced, ditto,but I always make a point of telling anyone I'm interested in going out with that I do have a child and for most it seems to make no difference.
So this is all fine.

Then there's after the night out. The promised phonecall. Luckily for me so far this promised phonecall has always arrived (lucky Geordie boy got there just in time as his number was about to be deleted!) and this is where I seem to be going wrong, as in the cold light of day and with clearer heads, the questions are more concise and probing.
Were you married?,How long for?,What did he do?,What did you do?,How old is your child?How often do you get out?, How often does he have access?,Are you a kept woman then?(yes someone did ask me that!)What do you drive??

I answer truthfully to all these questions and I ask as many of my own back,but I can't help thinking that at this stage of the game it's all too much. Why can't we go out in each others company first and get to know the real person inside a little and not just what comes with her. It's almost as if they're thinking ahead and wondering if any of my responsibilities will come down around their heads instead of thinking of them as just that, MY responsibilities.

I'm 35 not 65,and I'm young at heart,I've just come out of a heartbreaking end to what I thought would be my marriage for life,I still want to have fun, I still want to have a drink if I want one,I still want to dance like no one's watching, I still want to laugh till my sides ache,I still want the romantic walks in the country, I still want to sit by an open fire on a frosty winters day and drink steaming mugs of real hot chocolate,I don't want to look like a 35 year old woman trying to pass herself off as 20,but I want all this in my own time.

For now I just want to go out have some fun, maybe meet someone I like and get to know them,it's not a big request. I don't want to be cut down in that first instance because of what my life has in it,because somewhere in there amongst all the things is me.

and now for something completely different

Can you tell I've had a day off today? 2 Posts and no painting or drawing acheived and I'm supposed to be geting ready to show some work. Anyway for those who are interested Geordie bloke is still in my phonebook but text guy is not, and for those who aren't here is my favourite poem:

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.


Live every moment folks. x

Good versus Bad

Absolutely shattered today and in need of much sleep, yet again. Though being another sleepless night certainly gave me plenty of time to think of my current dilema's and come to some sort of conclusions.
I need to start thinking of dating not as a potential way to find a partner but as a way to get out and enjoy myself with some half decent company,and given the fact that I also unwittingly seem to attract the ones with reasonable disposable income,in nice surroundings too.
Then at least if I find that I do actually hit it off with any of them then I can take the next steps when I'm ready.
On London Girl's advice too I shall give the two current contenders nicknames so as to avoid confusion. The guy I met on Saturday night is hereby known as Geordie (cos he is) and other is now known as Text guy (cos he does). Now Geordie is sounding more and more like my kind of guy.He's down to earth,likes a laugh,dances without going 'nah I don't dance unless I've had 10pints',is closer to my age,self sufficient and calls when he says he's going to. Other plus points are he's not put off by mini me (if he was he'd be straight out the picture) very fit (as in exercises) but not so much that he's obsessed,attractive,tall and has two properties in my home city of the burgh (therefore good taste).I shall find out more when we go out next weekend.
Good points of Text guy are he's also down to earth,still likes going out despite being 8years my senior,very attractive in a manly way, also keeps fit and appears to have very good manners,but I'm getting the feeling off him that things are only done his way when he wants them to be done,that work is his life and he never calls when he says he will (the texts I got the other day were because he was having a bad day at work and wanted me to perk him up,literally,nothing wrong with that but if I was having a bad day and texted him I have the feeling I would not get a reply) I don't want to fall into the going for the bad boy trap and my instincts are telling me I could get addicted to him, but not in a good way!
Just realised reading over this how effective blogging is at answering questions you don't even realise you're asking yourself. If I stumbled on this blog I'd be shouting at me right now saying 'stay away from the text guy!!' - though my dad told me the other night on no account was I to dump him as he wants to have a go in his flash car!My father is sooo shallow!

Men and buses

Right after months of being single and desperately seeking company, why is it that there is now an influx of eligible, and very available men knocking on my door? '
What on earth are you complaining about?' I hear you ask. Well here's my problem, I am incapable of going out with more than one person at a time, as even though they may be just dates and hardly a bloody commitment I still feel like it's wrong and I'm somehow being dishonest by doing so. This I believe may be to do with being married for the last 10years and being completely faithful to my husband or it may be that it was drilled in to me by my mother after my Dad left home that it was very wrong to be with 2 people at once.
So what do I do?
I met a really nice guy on Saturday night, have a great laugh with him, we swap numbers and have spoken and are hopefully going out next week(I've given up believing plans so always pre-empt them with 'hopefully')
Then hey presto someone who I'd given up on then contacts me on Monday and several rather naughty texts ensued, but I have no idea where that may lead as he seems to be a bit of an enigma.
So do I write off the guy who I met at the weekend even though we may actually hit it off (and he made me laugh a lot) or do I agree to see other guy who I have an unbelievable physical attraction to but haven't got to know him well enough yet to know if we match in any other way!
And I won't even go into the story about the 23year old PE teacher (he did have gorgeous eyes though)
This coupled with the fact I'm an indecisive Libran who constantly weighs up pro's and con's, and then has an argument with herself over which ones are pro's and which ones are cons, doesn't make for an easy nights sleep! Oh why can't things be simple. Times like this where I wish the American way of dating several people at once was considered the norm here.

AAAAGGHHHH

*Phoenix breathes deeply and prepares to rant at full speed so be ready for it........*

*starters pistol ready.....BANG*

House sale has fallen through cos the buyers have changed their mind for another house they'd had in mind, which means I'll lose the lovely perfect little home for me and mini me, and she's been throwing up since 6am this morning cos her dad took her to his friends house and friends child had a tummy bug, but he thought it'd be fine,and it's the shittest day ever, and now I need to go and breathe before I turn blue!!!!
*stomps off before she hyperventilates*

Dance like nobody's watching

Well what was shaping up to be yet another boring and somewhat lonely weekend turned out not too bad!
On friday when mini me was going to her dad's I had zero plans and was looking with some foreboding to the 48hour stretch without anyone in this big house but me.
When you live in a family home then suddenly it ceases to be one, it can torture the soul with the feeling of emptiness. I feel it needs to have family spirit in it and it's very much lacking, so is not the best place to be of a weekend, especially when all the friends you tend to accumulate over the years of being a couple, are themselves couples and settled and not very often up for a night on the tiles.
So i was somewhat relieved to get a call from the artist who I now regularly model for, asking if I would accompany him to a gallery opening of a protege of his (on the strict condition that I do not accept any invitation to sit for said protege!) We had a lovely and very civilised evening for me I must say, followed by several soda and limes in the beautiful local village pub (the villages in the area I live in are very chocolate box, full of little thatched cottages and pubs with roaring fires complete with sleeping dog)
Friday night complete and just Saturday to go, so not doing too bad so far. I also agreed to a sitting with my artist on Sunday so that was that taken care of too.
Saturday is now here and as I'm working all day in my little shop I have plenty to keep me occupied till tea time and I then get a call from my one and only single friend who knows I hate staying in when I don't have mini me asking if I'd like to meet up with her and some friends. Fan-bloody-tastic.
Until I get out of this house I think every free weekend may feel like this. I hate the opressiveness of it and the memories it evokes, as they are not unhappy ones and that in itself makes me sad for the loss.
So anyway I go out and we have the most amazing night, helped along greatly by several - but not too many vodka's and the presence of the most outrageously funny dancing guy I've seen. Needless to say I was instantly drawn to him as,and DQ will back this up as we both do it, I always dance like nobody's watching. I love dancing but only if I feel relaxed enough to really go for it and generally have as much fun as possible and thankfully I found a kindred spirit. We danced all night together, I found out his name, the fact he was from Newcastle(which partly explained why even though the music wasn't too loud, that i didn't always grasp what he said)
he lives in a plush part of London, what he does for a living and hey presto his phone number.
He made me laugh, alot! And anybody who knows me knows I am a sucker for a guy who can make me laugh.
So we've spoken to each other today, he made me laugh again even though I'm no longer swimming in Vodka, and hopefully I'll be seeing him again soon for more of the same!!

Perspective

After visiting here I have no problems
Please also visit here for information on helping further. I have been on the bone marrow donor's register for 14 years. A few hours of your time and minimal discomfort could save a life and stop the pain.
thankyou x

WARNING EXPLETIVES IN PRINT

Right I do not want this blog ,for the next 6 weeks to be a woe is me and bore you all to death with the trials and tribulations of moving house, so i'll get it all out of my system now so I can focus on fluffy kittens, pink balloons, hunky knights on white steeds who will sweep me off my feet and my next new handbag. Here goes, now cover your ears if you are of delicate constitution or an estate agent............

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
ESTATE AGENTS AND CONVEYANCERS AND TOSSERS WHO CANT MAKE UP THEIR MINDS IF THEY WANT TO MOVE ARE ALL A BUNCH OF THOUGHTLESS, BRAINLESS, SELFISH, IGNORANT, COMPLETE AND UTTER WANKERS.........****************OH AND I FORGOT, LIARS!!!!!!

Ah that's much better, now where was I, oh yes, I love fluffy kittens XX

I'm trying

Tonight, in my effort to integrate with the rest of humankind after the world of coupledom, I went to .....*drum roll.........*................. A salsa class!!!

I have to say that, apart from now having very sore legs (dancing on the balls of your feet is good exercise!)and a disturbing vision going round in my head of the rather large man who was dancing in front of me wiggling his behind, I actually quite enjoyed myself.
I have never ever been to any dance class before ,apart from the torturous country dance lessons they make you take at school, and definitely not one where close contact is expected.So I was very nervous and not quite sure how many lecherous men there would be-there were 2-and surprise surprise I got to dance with them first!But once I'd very pointedly told them not to squeeze that part of their body anywhere near me they got the message.I think the Scottish accent in a firm tone can be quite scary.
The way the class works is you learn a couple of moves at a time all standing in a circle and once completed you change partners (hence probably why I got creeps first,think they saw the newbie and thought 'we'll have fun here with this one'!)So you get a chance to dance with everyone in the room. I suppose it's like speed dating to music, if that's what you're going for. Thankfully most of them were there to dance and escape another episode of Inspector Morse, and like me just to converse with other members of the species.(of course if there had been any hot guys there that last line would have read,' and like me to meet a potential date', but there weren't so I'll say it was for company)
Nevertheless it was nice to be able to get out of the house for a few hours, see some new faces, chat to someone other than the cat and feel like I could actually, if I have the opportunity(ex had mini me) maybe begin to have the essence of a social life.
Maybe next time I go Mr Wonderful dating potential will be there too...

confusion

After the last few days of housey stuff I completely forgot about my other much much smaller dilema. Namely it is ex's birthday tomorrow.
Now, because he comes to the house regularly to visit mini me and we are still on relatively good terms my dilema is do I need to still buy him a gift/card? This is the first birthday occasion when we are truly and officially no longer a couple. However we were not a couple last year when he bought me an expensive piece of kit for my ipod and a card saying what a great human being I was, although there was a slight blurring of lines in that I still was deeply in love with him and he couldn't make his mind up if he was or if he wasn't (in love with me that is, he very obviously loved himself) And also we will always whether we like it or not, be linked as we have a child, who has no hang ups with Mum and Dad sitting chatting happily at the kitchen table or taking her out somewhere. So is she going to think it's weird, when we still, in her eyes get on fine, that I give him nothing?
Now I know this might seem even a weird thing to be confused over but if we are friends now instead of husband and wife, would you not give your friend a gift? Or is it simply that we are not friends but that even stranger phenomenon namely the civilised stiff upper lip separated couple who talk like strangers on the brink of crossing the line of familiarity (even though I've seen him in all his naked glory and he me)
My own parents split when I was young and my Father wasn't even allowed within 50ft of the house so I can't ask Mum, but I swore I'd never end up bitter and twisted like that and want my daughter to have as normal an upbringing as she can now (whatever normal is). I don't think I'll ever be that ex wife who's now bosom buddies with Mrs New Phoenix but I don't want to be the Harridan either.
Ah Sod it................ he can have a card and be done with it!!

YIPPEE I HOPE

I got it!!!!!!

Now keep everything crossed that the chain stays intact and you can all come over for a housewarming with real fire in my lovely victorian cottage - as long as you bring a paintbrush x

waiting

Today I am waiting to hear if the very reasonable offer I put in on my first sole owned house will be accepted and to be frank I am kacking myself!
The buying and selling of houses in England is a very scary affair. Unlike Scotland, when you offer on a house down here, even if it is accepted you have no legal contractual rights to that property until the money's in the bank and you have the keys in your sticky little mitts. The same goes for selling. I sold my house 3 weeks ago and contracts have been drawn up and will be exchanged shortly, but even when contracts have been exchanged I could still quite legitimately change my mind and take my house off the market,thus screwing up the moving plans of the people I'd agreed wholeheartedly to sell to, so that contract's really not worth the paper it's written on.
And then there's 'The Chain'.
To those of you who don't already know, this is the sequence of house sales and purchases which lead up to your own sale and purchase, and obviously the fewer people involved in the sequence the better as there is less chance of the whole thing going pear shaped.
Now thanks to the other problem, namely Estate Agents, we were told from the start that the people we were selling to were a pretty good bet because we were told 'there's a small chain so you won't have any problems Mr and Mrs Phoenix'.
Now a small chain usually means two or three other people below you in the chain, maybe four at a push, but to my annoyance this week I found out that there are actually EIGHT other house sales and purchases below ours!! This means that despite all their reassurances, there is a much much much higher chance of someone somewhere down the line either not being able to get a mortgage and pulling out or simply thinking 'don't think we'll bother moving this year dear it's just too much hassle and I can't be bothered getting off my fat arse to do it' thus breaking the chain and house sales collapsing round our ears. Oh how i wish they were sensible and took on the Scottish system of 'don't fuck us about with this or we'll take you to court and take what you agreed you lying basturds!'
So needless to say my stress levels at the moment are through the roof (if I have one), coupled with the fact my estranged husband keeps saying, don't worry I'll get the finances sorted out this week (for the last two weeks!) so if my posts over the next few weeks are erratic it may be because I'm sitting rocking in a corner somewhere with several bald patches and handfuls of hair.

success!

Today I learned how to add links and I was so pleased I ate a whole easter egg!!

Now I feel sick!!

Now my daughter's not going to be speaking to me cos it was her egg!!

Now I'm going to have to buy her more chocolate to make up for the guilt!!

I'm a bad bad bad mother!!

The joy of success never lasts!!

I hope you're all happy now cos it was your fault!!

Impulse

Right, slept much better last night after 2hours cycling, so for those of you who want to know here's what happened with my date-those who don't I'm going to tell you anyway!
As you know the night ended with 'that kiss', and also him asking me what I was doing after work the day after (saturday), as it was my last day there. As I had no plans and work on my own when I'm there, I said this to him. He suggested meeting me after work for a quick drink! Before I could say 'blimey you're keen boyoh' the aftermath of the kiss took over and the endorphins made my mouth say 'yeah that would be great!'. My brain however was screaming at me, 'Woah there Nelly!' For up until recently it has been my plan to move back to Scotland from England and not to get involved with anyone, and as I found out that he's moving to USA in about a year I thought he was ideal as he obviously wasn't looking to form any lasting relationship either.
This was all great you see because I have a tendency to get carried away with the whole romance of a situation and I forget that it's oh so easy to fall for the right lines, actions etc. So far this complete stranger had done everything girls dream of: He complimented me, was gentlemanly the first night we met (know's a lot of people and went round introducing me to everyone in the members only club I'd blagged my way into)went to my shop on the Sunday and posted a note through the door saying he would love to take me out to dinner, then turns up at my door on said date in his Lamborghini!, sorry did I forget to mention that bit hehe (very uncomfortable car and so bloody noisy though)and then turns out to be a really quite interesting guy who I could chat easily with, who also, it turns out, lives in the same village as me!
So anyway, he turns up at my shop the next day and after impulsively buying a lot of lovely and expensive pieces!, we go for a very nice drink, only for an hour or so, then we both head off home, kiss (again, great) and he says he'll call. Now at this point I should have seen the impulsive tendencies he obviously has. All the signs are there but those endorphins are sneaky little critters, and can con their way into the toughest of brain cells. So I thought great.
So the rest of that week I have nothing going round in my head except loveliness ,and surprise surprise..............He called, in fact he not only called he sent little texts asking how my day was, sent lots of these 'x' and this happened daily!.He called me every evening and was equally lovely.Now because I've been out of the dating game for so long I had no idea that this was not usual, I just thought it was really sweet until the Thursday! Thursday's when his impulsive nature became oh so apparent.
He texts me in the afternoon seeing how my day was, and asks if I'm free to talk later, and as he'd been doing this for the last 2weeks I thought nothing of it (in this time I'd only initiated contact twice).
So he calls me later and the conversations going fine and then I get the speech...............'listen I think we should maybe cool it for a bit, I really don't think it's fair on either of us to get involved as you're moving, I'll give you a call in a week or so and we'll talk about it over dinner, ok'
Well blow me down, I didn't see that coming. Here was me having a nice time and thinking only on a day to day basis and this guy,in his head, had us married off in a fortnight. I suddenly realised that I was an impulse gone wrong. He'd thought sod it I'll go out with her even though she's going it'll be fun(I told him this on the very first night) but here he was talking about getting 'Involved'. Now I don't know if that was just a 'let her down gently' line (which I wasn't involved enough to need!) or if he really was getting involved and thinking WAY too much. But correct me if I'm wrong he was the one doing all the chasing, at no point did I suggest to him it was anything other than really good?
fun, I merely responded to encouragement given. Maybe you guys can help out with this one, what happened

switch off

Was going to carry on my post from yesterday about my date but i had such a rubbish sleep last night I'm having problems staying awake and don't want to forget the details.

This is an ongoing problem for me, as when anything either slightly exciting (i'm definitely not used to a lot of that!) or more often than not something remotely stressful happens, I know I'm in for a sleepless night. My brain seems to go into overdrive and completely untrue scenarios begin playing in my head, like a loop tape that just wont switch off. Now don't get me wrong this can be quite enjoyable if there's imaginings of a romantic nature and I'm happy to let them play for a while before wanting to roll over and sleep it off, but the stressful ones are a completely different story.

I tried everything to shut off the reel but the more I try the worse it gets to the point I can get myself into a virtual state of panic about all the things that could happen. Is this just me? I also find that when I do eventually fall asleep that the dreams take over and I tend to wake up very early and try as I might my brain has been switched back on and point blank refuses to switch off. I am trying music at the moment and started off with some nice slow background stuff but found myself listening to the lyrics, again not switching off, and then I found this cd called sleep.It's the kind of music that you hear in a beauty salon when you go for a facial (I've only ever been for one and hated it but the music was nice!) and is like very gentle percussion with a couple of whales thrown in. I must say so far it's working quite well-not quite sure how they got the whales to perform like that but they're very talented! Working well in the way that it can actually get me to sleep initially but it's when I inevetably wake up again that I just cant switch off. I know a lot of this is to do with stress but I actually feel quite good at the moment and think it has more to do with the past year of upsetting circumstances that has now conditioned my body into this state of unease.

Your task is now to fire as many suggestions to me that I haven't already tried to shut my brain off (and before anybody suggests it I don't own a gun)

ps does anyone know how to change the time at the bottom of my posts because anyone saying no wonder you cant sleep posting at that time it's because the time's wrong!

being myself?

Hullooooo *peers nervously around the door*
aahhhhemmm
It's been a while since I've been here and it's a bit daunting I must say. I wondered what to write on my first post of my new blog, but I reckon you may be so used to my rambling(previous commenter's on my deleted life blog that is) that anything remotely trying to be clever or thought provoking may be laughed at, so I'll just give you a bit of a catch up on what I've been up to.(I'm saying 'you' like I'm assuming people are going to want to read this!)
Well where do i start. I am now a happy singleton instead of one who thought it was absolutely the worst thing ever on the planet, and no longer think having my heart broken was something I'd never survive. In fact I'd go so far as to say I'm actually enjoying myself for the first time in.... well lets just say it feels like a very long time. The broken part of me is now safely stored in the lessons learned part of my brain,only to be used when repeating the same mistakes later.
I'll start with dating:
I've taken the first tentative steps into the scary world of dating and landed somewhat lucky in my first attempt by not having to even look about for him. He came into my then place of work (that's changed too!) bought something,then commented on my lovely glasses. I thought he was lovely but thought no more of it until that night,when out on my first night out in 8MONTHS! he was the first person i bumped into!
We talked all night, he got a peck on the cheek (I'm a lady!)and that was that. Next day there was a note through the door asking me out for dinner. yippee I thought a real man asking me out for a real dinner. But when it came down to calling him back I confess it took me 2 days!. I had been in the same relationship for 13years and to be frank i couldn't bloody remember what to do. How do you have conversation? Is there etiquette involved? do I leave it a bit longer to call? Do I kiss him at the end of the night or the beginning or would he expect more if he's taking me out to a swanky restaurant.Will I talk too much or not enough(i have a tendency to do both depending on the mood) Shit!
Now you all might think that this is just a little bit melodramatic but I was seriously panicking, then someone told me 'just be yourself' and made it worse! I could try that I suppose if I could remember who that was. I've been Mum and wife for so long I'd kind of lost myself in the ether.Now I know I can have fun, have a laugh with my friends, drink too much and make a fool of myself, but that's with people I know, and 9 times out of 10 was in my own home.Shit!
So I did the only thing I could think of, I put on new clothes, put on my best slap,downed a triple vodka and pretended it wasn't a date but a meeting with an important client.
Now I don't know if it was the vodka ,the very expensive new trousers I'd just broken the bank for,or the fact I had put the whole thought of it being a date out of my mind, but I felt super confident after that and found myself actually enjoying the conversation. In fact I'd go so far as to say it flowed! So much so that he left mine at 2am after coffee more chat and the most amazing kiss I've had in years.
Now you may want to know what happened next but I've got a lot of time to catch up on so you'll have to wait, just remember though I'm single for the first time in a lifetime and want to have some fun so don't have me married off yet! x