So many things have happened over the last few weeks I'm struggling to condense it into words so you'll have to bear with any rambling or emotional outburst's with me along the way I'm afraid.I figure if I apologise upfront you may let me off.Think it may have to take a few posts to cover it.
Here goes for probably the most significant development,which I knew would happen sooner or later. My ex has finally and thankfully admitted that he is with the woman who he had an affair with. He's been trying for the last few weeks to get me to say I have a boyfriend (who may I add has been a godsend) obviously because it would then make it easier for him to get the words out,but I held off for a little bit longer,not out of spite, but purely because I wanted mine and boyfriends little spell of idyllic privacy to go on for just a bit longer,and my hurt to stay suppressed.
Anyway,ex came over to pick up mini me and we had a few things to talk over about the never ending house saga (starting to think I'll still be here at christmas) and a certain business issue I have (a whole other post!)which he's helping me with, he made a few references to what my 'Special friend' thought of things. I told him he was of the same opinion as ex was and is also supporting me. I then asked him what his 'special friend' thought,and he said he hadn't discussed it with her yet. So there we are both skirting round things, so I plucked up a little courage and asked him if his girlfriend was who I thought she was.He replied 'yes,but it's not been going on as long as you think it has'
There, the words were out and I was still alive, just!
I know exactly how long this has been going on and unbeknown to ex, I had openly discussed it with his Mum and told her that I expected him to do as follows:
1. Deny he was having a relationship with her when we were together - check
2.Say that it was over anyway - check
3. Leave a gap of several months saying he was having some time alone and wasn't ready for a relationship - check
4.After several months they would just hapen to decide that they were inextricably drawn together but wanted to take it easy and see what happens - check
The last part is the most ridiculous unless taking your new girlfriend to meet the parents and bringing 'our' best friends down to your new bachelor pad to introduce her to them is taking it slow? Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but my so called friends were disgusted with his behaviour and hers,but now it looks like they'll all be bosom buddies,yippee.
But hey you know what,I reckon I'm allowed a little rant.This is the man who would not own up to an affair but instead I had to find out about it by receiving his and hers holiday flight tickets through my door (which he'd booked for the day after our tenth wedding anniversary!Our tenth wedding anniversary,which was supposed to be being spent in Vegas renewing our wedding vows and had been booked just a few months previously)
So there I am sitting there, trying to keep myself composed when he drops in this clanger, 'I know you probably don't want to hear this but she's a really nice person'
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man has no idea that he's ripped my heart out,torn it into a million pieces and is now proceeding to rub my own face in it.
But, and this is such a BIG but, I don't know how I pulled it off,I sat there and said to him I would be the bigger person and accept this and that as she was obviously going to be a part of my daughter's life,I want them to spend a bit of time together to get to know one another.
Inside my very soul is tearing in two,I feel like my life has been stolen,but I have to move on. I have to.I have to. I have to.
There is more to tell from that day and I feel I am sacrificing my very being by what I did but hey,life isn't bloody easy is it,love can give you the greatest joy and it can tear you apart,I'm just trying to do the right thing for my child,I'll have my private moments of grief that she'll never get to see.But I will never poison her head and will bring her up to respect others and have the moral standards that others seem to have misplaced.
I have the love,support,patience and understanding of BF.I told him that,emotionally, the next few months will be hard for me,packing all my memories and dreams into cardboard boxes will no doubt bring it's tears but I'm hoping that when I finally get out of this permanent daily reminder of my marital home and the pain of the last year, I will at last be able to put the demons to rest.
Sunday 19 August 2007
Bear with me
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18 comments:
Oh, Phoenix, you are taking the brave, and sensible route. I'm so glad you got sorted..ish, and that you can give Mini-me the best of both worlds. XX
BTW, It's September now! Check your post date!
Yeah I just noticed it John thanks,shows you how long it's taken me to pluck up the courage to finish my draft.there's more to come. x
Send me your e-mail address, I've got DQ's, but it's a ball ache passing things on!
Don't fancy a NATAL CURRY THEN?
hmmm let me think about that?After all there was a Phoenix recipe wasn't there! maybe they'll do one without the curry powder which I'm allergic to.
No wonder you needed a blogging break. Welcome back.
Good for you on how you dealt with the ex. Mini-me will be better for it.
Haha. You know you have my support when it comes to the SHE DEVIL. I was digusted to hear she even has a nickname decided by our family. . .due to the many T's we have in our extended family she is called TJ. I can't stand to hear it, my face squirms up like a little child's. *shudders*
It seems 'bitch' was considered inappropriate. . .
Thanks for the support guys and DQ the nickname was there long before the family were involved,it was in fact how she signed her name on the sickening love letter I found in ex's briefcase,and is how she is known at work. Your Nan has been a great support to me and I know where her love lies as she is in a very difficult position. x
Oh I know that my family didn't make it up. Its just the fact that they use it *bleugh*
The whole situation is *bleurgh* I would just want one person to turn round and say to her and him if they are happy with what they did,and the damage they've done but people don't,they keep their mouths shut and say that's life,but maybe that's what's wrong these days,nobody says it's wrong to their face.
But who can say it. Its your parents job to support you in all of your fuck ups. If it was me I would want, neigh, expect N&P to support me. But you must know that. . .
. . .wheras me, well I haven't see them together. YET. . . .(to be continued. . .)
I know,it's a hypothetical want(and I would never expect it from parents)It's a hypothetical want in a dream world where friends can still be friends with both sides but tell the one who did the dirty that they dont agree with and will never condone their behaviour,no matter what sorry excuses they have for destroying people's and childrens feelings. x
wow. well done. he sounds like a shit though (sorry) so you're well out of it xxxx
Wow, this is such a full on thing Phoenix and it shows unbelievable toughness to handle it as well as you are. Mini me could not have a better role model. Wishing you the very best of luck. :)
Thanks GB, I'm pretty much all she's got on a daily basis to guide her through this as well as try and sort my own head out.I went through it as a kid and my mum fell apart and I swore I'd never put the same pressure on my own child.I'll never blame my mum though because having gone through it myself now I can understand fully the complete hell she went through,and she had 3 of us to cope with. I lost the bond with my Dad and I'm trying not to let that happen here and if it does I'll sleep easy knowing that it will not be because of anything I did.
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