getting to know me

My last post about mine and BF's weekend away seemed to prompt more queries about our 1st minor spat than the nerve wracking experience of me meeting his Mum and Son for the first time. Oh the voyeuristic nature of humans eh. But I couldn't not let you know about this weekend as it was as much me getting to know myself as it was BF getting to know me.
This weekend he went on a stag weekend to Prague. I sent him off with best wishes for a safe journey and an enjoyable drunken weekend,whilst at the same time looking forward to a girly weekend of TV,bubble baths and self indulgence.
I figured I would miss him,a lot,but I also figured I may actually look forward to a weekend of not having to make sure I'd shaved my legs and carefully applied my make up to look like I wasn't wearing any even though I know he doesn't care if I am or not (I think it's nice to make a bit of effort!)What I didn't bank on was learning exactly how damaged I am and how he was put on this earth to guide me by the hand through the demons.
It all started fine,and I know what happens on Stag do's,I'm not naive,I just never particularly cared to hear about them.Thing is though BF didn't know this and on the Saturday night,being the honest boy that he is and thinking I'd find it funny,proceeded to text me to tell me how they'd all chipped in to get the Groom a dance at a strip club. Cue me,not laughing, as I would have expected myself to in a previous life,but panicking and sobbing and getting myself unbelievably worked up.
You see the moment he told me, I had visions of him,watching this girl who he doesn't know,dancing close, naked,enjoying it and laughing.It took me straight back to the haunting visions I lived with day and night when I knew my then husband was sleeping with someone else but had no proof.He'd deny it,he'd sleep with me, but I knew.If the person you love does that to you it tears you apart.At that time your brain never stops the nightmares of those visions of them together,touching,kissing,whispering intimacies to each other and you feel like you're being laughed at,made a mockery of and generally you're self esteem vanishes.It all flooded into my head. I felt weak,insecure and needy and more upset than I would have ever thought.I shocked myself.
I replied that I'd rather not hear about it and kept my message light as I didn't want give in to this insecure side of me bursting through the surface of calm I've had for the last couple of months. But I never ended my message with a kiss and immediately gave myself away.He knew I was upset,he tried to call,I couldn't speak for fear of saying the wrong thing,he tried again,twice,I switched the phone off to compose myself.I then sent him a message explaining how what he had just said and done made me feel and the reason why.He replied,he was devastated he'd upset me, he understood exactly, and me not answering my phone had made him feel like his world was collapsing around him,he spent the next few hours calling me to make sure I was ok and reassuring me.He never got drunk that night.
I then got worried that I'd spoiled his weekend,but this was quickly dispelled by him telling me that it hadn't been spoiled,he'd just learned a bit more about me,how much I'd been put through and how much it had affected me and that he wants to help repair the damage.
Up until that point I thought the only major hurdle I'd had to get over was that of getting over my ex,but it's not.I'm over him, but the after effects of what he did will be with me for a long time to come,the feelings of inadequacy,being disrespected,unwanted,unloved,all those things which get buried in the quagmire of daily existence are just sitting there waiting for their chance to escape into your psyche and make you doubt yourself.
I was as shocked by my reaction, as he was to how upsetting me made him feel.He's not the only one learning about me,I am learning too,about the new me and all that she comes with.
I know he respects me,I know he's proud of me,I know he wants me and yes I know he loves me,but who said these feelings of doubt were rational.It'll take time,understanding and it'll take love,he wants to help repair the damage and just by his reassuring words I feel that his wish has already begun to work.