For the last few days I've had a debate going on in my head (I have two Phoenix's in there and sometimes they get on, but at times like this they need to be regularly pulled apart and reprimanded for scrapping!).
Things are going exceptionally well with New guy, so well in fact that a name change is now necessary to the grand title of BF (he asked if I'd do him the honour of being his GF and I thought about it for all of 3seconds). We spend loads of great time together,we have a weekend booked away next weekend (when I shall be meeting his Mum and his Son!!), we have just booked a trip to Amsterdam which shall be finished off by a weekend in Edinburgh and,without wanting to jinx anything,we have become the best of friends.
So when do I tell ex?
I wanted to keep BF to myself for as long as possible,however a few incidents recently have caused me to reassess. You see at the moment I see him the weekends when ex has mini me and some evenings during the week when she's safely tucked up in bed. But in my head I feel as if I'm sneaking around doing something wrong because of the secrecy. I know I'm not doing anything wrong.I've been on my own for a long time,ex had an affair which he handled in the worst possible way and he broke up the family,so I'm under no cloud of guilt in that respect,but I want to shout from the rooftops how I've found this wonderful person who makes me feel happy and safe.
I also though have to be a responsible parent and be guided by the feelings and emotions of my child.
She, however, is desperate to meet this man who's making her Mum smile again. She turned round the other day and said she was so glad she told me to get a boyfriend as he's made me happy,and if I'm happy then she's happy.She also said she wants to meet him and knows already she likes him because of how he's made me *8 going on 28!*
I don't talk about him every minute of the day to her,but I've gradually brought his name into conversations and she's openly asked questions,of which I answer honestly.She is a very bright child and emotionally balanced.She tells me daily how she is proud to have me as her Mum and I tell her how proud I am of her and how she's handled the last year.
I hate that I have to make this my ex's business but I wouldn't appreciate it if he introduced another woman to her without telling me first,so there's no way I can avoid it.I just didn't plan on it being so soon.
Mini me's birthday is in 4 weeks time and it's after then that I now want to introduce her to BF,but do I tell ex well before then to let him get used to the idea or is the day before adequate? I know what I want to do,but a lot of that has to do with how I feel about BF and not necessarily because it's the sensible thing to do.
Tuesday 26 June 2007
The time is now
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20 comments:
Ooh that would make my head hurt.
I have no idea as I have no little one to worry about with the ex factor.
I reckon i know already but it's always nice to get other views. Mini me isn't going to be introduced to a string of 'uncles' and I know her well enough to know how she will be,I suppose it's just the fact if she wasn't a part of the equation i wouldn't have to be telling him at all and I wouldn't want him to be included in any part of me now, but she is and that's life eh.
It does make your circle bigger that's for sure :)
No doubt on that one!:-)
I didn't know you told mini-you. . .when was this? Go easy is all I can say, if you plan to be with Geezer for a long time than what is the rush? Yes everyone wants to shout it all from the rooftops but real life with kids isn't like that is it?
I fear you opening up the door in that area will give the EX free rein to introduce Mini-you to his harlet. And I know without a doubt she is still there. Even if I don’t know, know. If you know what I mean. And think how you would feel about *her* meeting mini you?
Anyway, its still early days. Everything in your being can tell you otherwise but really it is. Think about if you were single and your frame of ref was your family and friends then you would still wait a couple of months before introducing them (under any other circumstances).
Anyway, you know decisions now can affect her later. But you also know her better than anyone and I trust in your decision.
As for the ex, hell tell him. . .I couldn’t give an F about that.
Love you
XXX
She asked if i had met anyone and i told her I had a friend.I do not openly mention him but she asks and has told me she's cool with it all,after all I've been unhappy a long time!!been here before that one! I do not in any way want to rush her but it's not her I feel I'm hiding him from. It's ex and that is where i have the problem.Why should I feel like i'm having to sneak about.I am well aware of the implications with mini-me but and it will have been a few months at the time I plan them to meet and having been there myself I have a pretty good idea on how to handle the situation.So yes I feel I want to tell him and the sooner the better.
And as for harlet well to be frank I dont give a shit about her and I know that it will happen eventually.Nobody wants it but unfortunately it will be an unchangeable fact. I know that my dughter is my daughter and i have no insecurities there.It's harlet that will get the hard time of it.
Sorry. I thought you wanted opinions.
ps do what you think is right. . .your instincts haven't let you down yet.
thanks niece and all comments have been taken on board. My instincts do always serve me well and the less I can have thrown back at me by ex the better. I shall tell him soon (kinda have to let him know I'll be out of the country in a few weeks time anyway so maybe then will be a good time)
Good luck Phoenix! Your head(s) will tell you when is right, if you can stop them fighting! xx
they are peace loving beings normally John but sometimes one says one thing,it riles the other and before you know it I have to get the band-aids out:-) and you and DQ are right,my instincts serve me well and when the time is right I'll know.
Ok, just me being me (and I know you've kind of listened to my thoughts before).
Number 1 ) Your ex is so because he made the first move
Number 2) Fuck all to do with him
Number 3) Introducing the mini-one to your current 'friend' is up to you
Number 4) I think the mini-one would welcome the security of knowing you trust her
Number 5) You have to do what you is feel is right - your life and you only have one shot at it
Hope this clarifies the Goth standpoint
I'm only assuming this from what I've read th only part of your life that the Ex has a part in is though your daughter if it weren't for Mini you he would have no part in your life at all. Why do you need to tell him anything? You daughter needs to know when the time is right to tell her, but he has no such rights. You had a relationship with him, its over with now, there is no sneaking involved. There will come a time when he will find out but that will happen naturally enough. I doubt he will inform you of his relationships so why should you feel obliged to do so?
This is between you, the BF and miniyou, eventually your friends and family too, the Ex is no longer part of that circle, yes he is miniyou's family but not yours, he burned that bridge.
Ack I accidentally selected and deleted the first part of that comment. Bugger it! I'm not writing it again. :)
Thanks Goth and Scotsman. You know I automatically assumed I'd need to tell him if I was introducing someone new into his daughter's life but I can see I'm thinking way too much.You're right in that he won't tell me about what he's up to and my life is no longer his business just as his life isn't my business or care any more.My priority always has and always will be the welfare of my daughter and I trust myself with knowing what's right where she's cocncerned
Another new romance hatched while I'm away - it seems to be catching. Best of luck Phoenix.
Hey James! welcome back:-)Catching? something you want to tell us?
All very confusing, but I think DQ's right. You need to just trust your instinct and go with that.
Good luck! x
I'm so glad Scotsman and Goth have given opinions, as I agree with them on the policy for handling Ex.
I was very open with my children about my new love (when it happened many years ago). They were about the age of mini and they handled it well. Mini needs to get to know BF as you did, one step at a time. Do not shut her out. She will be mystified that you keep this good thing from her. Kids know much more than parents think and can handle it surprisingly well if we keep the communication open.
A rule I found helpful was not to bad mouth Ex in front of kids. They still loved their Dad. That part worked out well. As they got older they formed their own opinions, and good ones they are, too.
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