WARNING- Yo yoing of emotions will be prevalent over the next few weeks,this blog may get tedious and self pitying,quickly followed by moments of elation and joy please bear with me.
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!
Why do I make such a complete and utter tit of myself? Why can't I just hold things in? Why do I have to wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see and steal? Why do I have to wait until things go wrong before I can see there was a problem to be fixed? Why am I so harsh on myself? Why do I expect so much from myself? Why do I set myself time limits on things and get upset when I don't make it? Why do I cry so bloody much? Why do I feel like people are looking at me like I'm an alien being who looks the part but is obviously not of the same species? Why do I seek approval from my father even though I know I'll never be able to bond emotionally with him?Why am I nearly 36 and still getting the same things so spectacularly wrong? Why do I trust so easily? Why do I hurt so easily? Why do I still talk as if I'm on my own in life even though my boyfriend is by my side?Why am I feeling sorry for myself tonight and spilling this out?
Answer: Because I'm me,I'm not flawless.
I still have a lot to learn. I'm realising now that all the insecurities I had growing up are still there,I haven't changed that much I've just learned how to get on as best I can. I was the picked on ginger kid at school, I felt insecure,unaccepted,weak and feeble. Solution now is that I put on some make-up,some nice clothes and I pretend I'm confident. Inside I'm still the insecure,awkward girl but now I'm more socially acceptable.
I'm only ranting now because I've been packing some things up from my house and I'm feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself and a bit like that kid at school. I knew this would be tough, but I must admit it's absolutely bloody shit and without this blog here to take some of the flack,I reckon the men in the white van would be on their way right now.
My daughter is off with her dad tomorrow to go to his girlfriend's parents.They have horses and chickens and all the other things that kids love. I'm being the considerate Mum and packing her wellies and her waterproofs and making sure she wears a riding hat.
Inside I'm screaming and now that she's gone to bed I'm crying.I thank god I've only got a few more weeks in this house because as far as endurance tests go, I'm near my limit
I'm angry because he left all this devastation and I'm the one sweeping up behind him,I'm the one having to heal our daughter,I'm the one having to pack OUR things,I'm the one who has to start again.
Inside I'm screaming
Thursday 27 September 2007
Yo Yo
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5 comments:
> Inside I'm still the insecure,awkward girl.
Let you into a secret baby, we are all STILL this girl! We just learn to accept her. . .
Good-byes are never easy but think of all the hellos you have ahead of you.
Your daughter is YOURS, no chickens or ducks or hens will make her want to choose she-devil over her mum. In your heart you know that. . .you are her biggest idol (I am, of course, her second!).
Hi DQ,I've accepted the awkward girl,she just pisses me off sometimes.And I have no fear over Mini me,I know how much she loves her Mum,just an emotional time in which several things are pissing me off about life but I also do really appreciated what I have and what I have to look forward to.One of those things is knowing that I'll have all the time in the world with her,which in reverse is one of the things that her Dad will sorely miss out on.ps You are definitely the other idol;-)x
Phoenix, we're all faking it... everyone of us.
And you're allowed to be sad, and angry, and dammit your allowed to come here and scream!
Didn't you ever wonder if wearing your heart on your sleeve and being "too trusting" is what attracts people to you?
Doesn't have to be a bad thing. :)
GB- I honestly think that without this blog I may well have gone off the rails.It allows me to completely be myself and air my grievances,my joys and my emotions (you poor lot!)without fear of judgement or reprisal.And yes I definitely attract people by wearing my heart on my sleeve,I like believing in the best people and would feel very sad if I was to become an old cynic distrusting everyone,but I reckon I'm too long in the tooth now to change that one anyway:-)
Phoenix, strength, inner strength, you have it, I can sense you do.
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