blah de blah house on fire

Blimey,
It's a week after our first date and new guy's still here. Not only is he still here but we've been on 3 dates (alot for a first week I reckon) and last night we sat in and watched Pulp Fiction, which he bought for me on the way over because he knew I'd lost mine.There's a lot to be said for behaving like teenagers watching movies on the couch!
All in all thoughtful,funny,generous,kind and an apparently genuine bloke.Long may it last. Next weekend we've arranged to have dinner at a japanese restaurant to help celebrate my niece's boyfriend's graduation* and if he passes that test (my niece is very protective of me in my new found dating life)then I know I've gotten some decent dating material. I must say though it is nice to have someone to talk to late at night when the loneliness used to kick in but now I'm finding myself thinking of our next meeting and feeling a whole lot less sorry for myself.
On another completely random note,can someone please tell me why every half term it pees down with rain every day(today we've had thunder,lightning and hail!)and just as I'm about to cut the grass.The grass is now ankle height thanks to the sun/rain combination,and it shows no sign of abating. Bugger!!
*niece would like everyone to know that this is bf's second graduation,he is in fact nearly 30 and not 21 as may have been interpreted.She is therefore not a cradlesnatcher but she will be testing new guy with all her best interrogational abilities (which are very scary I may add)

turn up for the books

whats going on and when will it go wrong?
negative,cautious,cynical statement? whatever! I've learned so much by being smacked by life over the past year Im never going to be counting my chickens before they hatch at the chicken ranch ever again. This weekend though I went on a fantastic date,with a lovely,polite,down to earth guy who made me laugh my head off and completely lose track of time while we chatted non stop about anything and everything. There was no awkwardness from minute one. He said later an ex had told him 'you aint no oil painting,but there's something about you' not strictly true I thought cos he has a lovely face, there was something reassuring it which put me at ease immediately. We parted arranging another date and not dinner this time,a nice mid morning walk next week followed by stopping off at one of the lovely local pubs for a nice spot of lunch.So a successful initial introduction to the world of online dating and then, surprise number 2,text guy may have to change his name to bike guy as he actually turned up on time for our bike ride this morning and said he'd had such a good time he would really like to make it a regular thing. Looks like my instincts of him being better mates potential than dates potential may've been spot on. Now there's no alterior motive on either side, we are relaxed in each others company,right down to discussing dating and friendship!He's so much of a bachelor he could give ole cliff a run for his money,but he's fiercely loyal to his friends as I am to mine and I think I've made a new one.
I'll keep you posted on the other!

internet dating

What's your thoughts? and be honest! This week after being pissed off by text guy (who I'm getting on great with now there's no will they/won't they rubbish) and his unreliabilty,then being commandeered in a club by several guys who no doubt thought I was just theirs for the taking. I have joined an internet dating site! I decided to go for a paying one as I figured i may get a slightly better class of 'lonely guy sitting at computer'.
So I registered along with a friend of mine to Match.com (girls like to compare notes boys,so beware)and left it for a day. Hey presto got up in the morning and it was like Man shopping! I had 69 emails (omen?oops sorry that was a bit naughty hehe)Now this was on Saturday and I've had several responses from guys who I actually think seem pretty good bets for dates. But just to make sure they are who they say they are blah de blah de blah I've googled them.Does anyone else do that or is it just me?
So anyway I have my first blind date on Friday (I say blind,but I've seen pictures so no need for roses in lapels and newspapers tucked under arms)and he's a director for a pharmaceutical company not too far from me. We appear to have a lot in common and he's a straight talker like me so if there's no spark we know there'll be no playing games pretending there is.If anything from this I appear to be making some good friends as I'm not the kind of girl who gets all arsey if it doesn't work out and am perfectly capable of carrying on a platonic relationship and still enjoying their company. I have a long bike ride planned on Saturday with text guy and am looking forward to kicking his arse-though he reckons if I have a date on Friday involving alcohol I won't even manage 5miles, but I promise I'll behave;-)

*note-I promise not to get drunk and blog on Friday night like my niece cos she can still spell when she's pissed,well almost 'wold'*

Text Guy No More

We went out. We had fun. I got drunk. So did he. We have nothing in common bar physical attraction. We do like each other. We didn't want to rip each others clothes off after the weeks of tension.We're going to be bike partners.We will make better friends than lovers.I like him better already.

art tart

How does this sound for a job? Art Exhibition Escort. So far this week 2 artists who I know relatively well, have asked me to escort them to exhibitions.
One is a local exhibition on Picasso the other is an exhibition in London by watercolour artist John White (16th century).I know relatively little about either,though I have been to a few exhibitions on Picasso I've had to read up a bit about John White.
I do enjoy going to these things,if only to bring down the tone a notch or two as I find some of the people that go to these things infuriatingly boring and, well, to put it gently,up their own arses! I've a feeling that the artists who I'm going with tend to find this type of attitude really refreshing and is possibly why they ask me to accompany them,as more often than not I've found that the artists themselves hate going to these things simply because of the supposed officianado's.Sometimes a bit of lightheartedness and jollity is required!
I love art, I appreciate the work and time and love that goes into paintings,sculptures or whatever the subject is. I marvel at the imagination and skill,I wish I could do half of what I've seen but what I hate more than anything is people telling me what it's all about. I like to take my own thoughts on the work but would never imply to know the inner workings of the artists minds,only they know that and half the time you'll find that they themselves don't know,they just liked what was coming out on the canvas,either that or they were pissed!(happens a lot,some of my best work was done accompanied by vodka)
So I'll happily go along and be art totty but I'm warning any 'appreciators of his work' don't approach me telling me how this painting shows me a window into his soul or I'll stick my paintbrush where the sun don't shine.

Pillars of Salt

Text guy wants to come out cycling with me!
He's doing some sort of triathlon type challenge thingy for charity but tends to do most of his training at the gym (nowt like going outside I say)
Anyway he was asking the other day, who I go with and how far etc etc. I reckon I go about 10 miles each day but as I have never measured it and don't have a fancy Jameslike contraption that tells me distance,calories and what I had for breakfast I really have no idea(can I borrow that though James when you move down here as I'd love to know all that stuff,well except the breakfast obviously).
All I know is I'm out on average about an hour and a half a day,rain or shine,music blaring without a care in the world.I get muddy,I get rained on,I get covered in bike oil when my chain comes off (happens frequently when I skip too many gears going uphill)and generally look like a right state when I'm done.
I also can cope when things go wrong i.e the chain scenario-today my chain came off whilst going up a particularly steep hill and became wedged tight in between the wheel and cogs,but I did not panic.It took me 10mins but I got it out and back on and was on my way without trauma.
My worry is,will I turn into a complete woossey girl if he's around or turn into this fiercely independent scary girl who is perfectly capable of turning a man to salt with the slightest glance if he even attempts to save me from the trauma of getting a bit of oil on my fingers.
You know what it's like sometimes when a guy is around ,things that you are perfectly able to do suddenly become things you'd need to get the fire brigade,police and SAS in to save you from. Spiders are my thing for that!I hate them and when I had a man around I'd turn into this frozen pillar of fear,only able to utter the words 'get it get it get it get it,QUICK,get it get it'
Now however,whilst still a bit afraid,I take a deep breath,approach the fiend with a mag or shoe and - animal lovers I make no apology for this - I splat the little bugger!
So anyway we shall wait and see,I'm only hoping he doesn't suggest it before our dinner date on Friday because Im sure the hosts don't just want me turning up accompanied by a 6ft tall pillar of salt as I've a feeling woossey is not my thing any more. hee hee

breathing

Life is looking up again. Friday night I was taken out by a friend (male) to a champagne and canapes evening.We had a great night sitting there waxing lyrical over how long it had been since we'd sat down and had a good chinwag about what was going on in each others lives,who we'd been seeing,what our future plans were what was happening in my ever changing life!
We had lots of champagne and talked all night and he told me that it was really great to see me so happy and strong again. I told him that my life now is going to be lived on a daily basis, I have ideas of how I'd like it to go but I'm never going to set anything in stone and as far as men go I don't particularly want a relationship but do want to have male company,someone who I can call up to go out,but not expect anything from nor he from me.
He thought this was possibly the most sensible thing he'd heard me utter all night (the champagne hit quite early on you see). He said too many women coming out of a long term relationship make the fatal error of diving straight into a new one without giving themselves a bit of breathing space to really find out what they want and who they are as an individual.
I thought about this a lot and I have to say he has a point. Up until now I've never been without a partner through my whole adult life,and have never ever had a break to find out what I really like doing for myself (I've discovered I love cycling and it's good for hangovers !)So when my ex left I didn't have a clue what to do when left to my own devices. It's funny how you fall into a pattern of doing things because someone else likes them.It's not always a bad thing as obviously that's what being a couple is all about,but I'd definitely say if I do have another relationship at some point that I will most certainly make time for me.
ps Geordie guy's never been heard of again,but Text boy's surprised me and asked me out to a proper grown up dinner party with his friends!Maybe I've been too cynical in my initial judgement of him,he's working hard bless him.

the child

I try to avoid talking about my daughter here because this blog is my way of not being mum for a few minutes a day, a kind of release of a bit of me so to speak. Today though I'd just like to say how proud I am of her,of her amazing capacity to cope with all that life has thrown at her in the last year, her caring soul,her empathy with others, her huge heart, her love of family,her intelligence and understanding despite her tender years, her sincerity,her manners,her ability to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry,her wit,her smile and for loving her mum with such openness. I tell her all these things and I tell her I'm proud and how much I love her but I just wanted to share it,it's good to talk.x

ho hum

Right I was all big and soooo self assured and deleted Text guy's number from my phone the other day,but doesn't make a slightest jot of a difference when he's not deleted mine = A lot of messaging
I tried to ignore them but when someone asks then 'you ok?' I can't help myself
Even worse when I tell him he's: a workaholic,impulsive,likes the chase but can take or leave the catch, doesn't want me in the flesh but would prefer a virtual playmate.
He explained why he's not been in touch over the last few weeks bar a few messages, of which I won't go into cos it'll make me sound even worse.Cue me starting to feel a little bit guilty.
He says he is definitely not a player, (as I'd heard from a reliable source, but I struggle to trust any man that eligible who says he's not one!) far from it.
I told him I thought he could have his pick of partner but just liked a bit of a challenge,he replied he could say the same about me (told you he was smooth!) Anyway to cut a very very long story short he then flirted,I then flirted back,he got naughty, I got naughty back and now we're back to square one and supposedly going out at the weekend.I am weak weak weak but oh it felt so so good.
Oh and Geordie boy has been notably absent since Saturday despite saying 'I'll call you tomorrow for a chat and we'll organise to meet up'! *pah*

ps please gohere and read John's post for the day,I defy anyone not to laugh.x

knowing

I remember my favourite English teacher always telling me before we wrote a story, that it was often easier if we wrote about what we knew, even if it was a fictional story it would make it more believable. He told us that many authors did alot of research into the subjects they were writing about to make it easier to form a plot and characters that the readers could relate to.
So why is it then that I've been writing (sort of) for the last few weeks on a subject I obviously know nothing about. I never realised that coming out of a relationship (I had one, so obviously I know that bit) and finding myself,at the age of 35, single and thinking of dating again was such a minefield!

First of all there's actually getting out in the first place.Not as easy as it sounds.
When you've just had a very small social circle of married, settled friends and then find yourself not married (not through choice) not settled and a mum, then your list of available friends to go out with becomes scarily small.

Then there's knowing where to go. Places I would have gone when I was in my early twenties are no longer places I would go now and I also don't want to get stuck in the doing a hobby thing-It's just not me.

Then there's finding someone in that place who you think you would get on with and have some fun, who'd also think the same as you.
I tend to have no particular problem talking to or being approached by men when I go out but my problem is how much do I tell them. The first question is usually 'are you single' to which I always now say 'yes' unless I don't particularly want to talk to them.I am still officially married, but seeing as my ex is now happily residing about 90miles away in his little shag pad and left 10months ago I think this is a fairly truthful statement.

Next it's 'what do you do' to which I answer 'I'm a self employed artist', and if I really like them I'll add 'and a part time artists model' both true, but the second one is always a clincher in the conversation stakes!

So after that it's usually talk about what all this involves (no I don't take all my clothes off) and discussion on what they do, what ages we are blah blah blah,then drinks are bought, maybe numbers exchanged. Very very rarely am I asked if I have children, which surprises me given my age,or if I'm divorced, ditto,but I always make a point of telling anyone I'm interested in going out with that I do have a child and for most it seems to make no difference.
So this is all fine.

Then there's after the night out. The promised phonecall. Luckily for me so far this promised phonecall has always arrived (lucky Geordie boy got there just in time as his number was about to be deleted!) and this is where I seem to be going wrong, as in the cold light of day and with clearer heads, the questions are more concise and probing.
Were you married?,How long for?,What did he do?,What did you do?,How old is your child?How often do you get out?, How often does he have access?,Are you a kept woman then?(yes someone did ask me that!)What do you drive??

I answer truthfully to all these questions and I ask as many of my own back,but I can't help thinking that at this stage of the game it's all too much. Why can't we go out in each others company first and get to know the real person inside a little and not just what comes with her. It's almost as if they're thinking ahead and wondering if any of my responsibilities will come down around their heads instead of thinking of them as just that, MY responsibilities.

I'm 35 not 65,and I'm young at heart,I've just come out of a heartbreaking end to what I thought would be my marriage for life,I still want to have fun, I still want to have a drink if I want one,I still want to dance like no one's watching, I still want to laugh till my sides ache,I still want the romantic walks in the country, I still want to sit by an open fire on a frosty winters day and drink steaming mugs of real hot chocolate,I don't want to look like a 35 year old woman trying to pass herself off as 20,but I want all this in my own time.

For now I just want to go out have some fun, maybe meet someone I like and get to know them,it's not a big request. I don't want to be cut down in that first instance because of what my life has in it,because somewhere in there amongst all the things is me.

and now for something completely different

Can you tell I've had a day off today? 2 Posts and no painting or drawing acheived and I'm supposed to be geting ready to show some work. Anyway for those who are interested Geordie bloke is still in my phonebook but text guy is not, and for those who aren't here is my favourite poem:

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.


Live every moment folks. x

Good versus Bad

Absolutely shattered today and in need of much sleep, yet again. Though being another sleepless night certainly gave me plenty of time to think of my current dilema's and come to some sort of conclusions.
I need to start thinking of dating not as a potential way to find a partner but as a way to get out and enjoy myself with some half decent company,and given the fact that I also unwittingly seem to attract the ones with reasonable disposable income,in nice surroundings too.
Then at least if I find that I do actually hit it off with any of them then I can take the next steps when I'm ready.
On London Girl's advice too I shall give the two current contenders nicknames so as to avoid confusion. The guy I met on Saturday night is hereby known as Geordie (cos he is) and other is now known as Text guy (cos he does). Now Geordie is sounding more and more like my kind of guy.He's down to earth,likes a laugh,dances without going 'nah I don't dance unless I've had 10pints',is closer to my age,self sufficient and calls when he says he's going to. Other plus points are he's not put off by mini me (if he was he'd be straight out the picture) very fit (as in exercises) but not so much that he's obsessed,attractive,tall and has two properties in my home city of the burgh (therefore good taste).I shall find out more when we go out next weekend.
Good points of Text guy are he's also down to earth,still likes going out despite being 8years my senior,very attractive in a manly way, also keeps fit and appears to have very good manners,but I'm getting the feeling off him that things are only done his way when he wants them to be done,that work is his life and he never calls when he says he will (the texts I got the other day were because he was having a bad day at work and wanted me to perk him up,literally,nothing wrong with that but if I was having a bad day and texted him I have the feeling I would not get a reply) I don't want to fall into the going for the bad boy trap and my instincts are telling me I could get addicted to him, but not in a good way!
Just realised reading over this how effective blogging is at answering questions you don't even realise you're asking yourself. If I stumbled on this blog I'd be shouting at me right now saying 'stay away from the text guy!!' - though my dad told me the other night on no account was I to dump him as he wants to have a go in his flash car!My father is sooo shallow!

Men and buses

Right after months of being single and desperately seeking company, why is it that there is now an influx of eligible, and very available men knocking on my door? '
What on earth are you complaining about?' I hear you ask. Well here's my problem, I am incapable of going out with more than one person at a time, as even though they may be just dates and hardly a bloody commitment I still feel like it's wrong and I'm somehow being dishonest by doing so. This I believe may be to do with being married for the last 10years and being completely faithful to my husband or it may be that it was drilled in to me by my mother after my Dad left home that it was very wrong to be with 2 people at once.
So what do I do?
I met a really nice guy on Saturday night, have a great laugh with him, we swap numbers and have spoken and are hopefully going out next week(I've given up believing plans so always pre-empt them with 'hopefully')
Then hey presto someone who I'd given up on then contacts me on Monday and several rather naughty texts ensued, but I have no idea where that may lead as he seems to be a bit of an enigma.
So do I write off the guy who I met at the weekend even though we may actually hit it off (and he made me laugh a lot) or do I agree to see other guy who I have an unbelievable physical attraction to but haven't got to know him well enough yet to know if we match in any other way!
And I won't even go into the story about the 23year old PE teacher (he did have gorgeous eyes though)
This coupled with the fact I'm an indecisive Libran who constantly weighs up pro's and con's, and then has an argument with herself over which ones are pro's and which ones are cons, doesn't make for an easy nights sleep! Oh why can't things be simple. Times like this where I wish the American way of dating several people at once was considered the norm here.