knock knock

Who's there?
Me
Me Who?
I'm still trying to sus that one out! Ask me again later.

Seems like this blog has turned into an annual event as opposed to the daily one (sometimes twice daily) blog it used to be. A lot has happened since I last visited, way too much to put on this little page believe me! I just write now when I feel like it. I used to use this blog to help me with my daily emotional trauma's of my marriage break-up, then it was for the eventual occurrence of the return to dating......(or should I say lack of) that particular chapter in my life was short lived. I decided that conventional dating was not for me, I felt totally out of my depth after losing the man I thought I'd be with forever, and after 10 years of marriage was completely lost in the mire of scary modern dating.

I realise from that last statement that I sound ever so slightly ancient! I'm not, I'm 37, but I was never one for dating loads of blokes. I never actually dated any guy who I didn't already know at some level. Even then however, my total experience of boyfriend material was counted on one hand, including the boyfriend who eventually became my husband. I now find myself at the end of that chapter, my decree Nisi comes through tomorrow and in approximately 8 weeks time I shall be divorced.

Several of my friends have declared this a time of celebration, freedom, and 'you should be glad to be shot of him'. The truth of the matter is I am not happy, I am sad. I am sad for the loss of my marriage, I am sad that my husband never had enough respect for me or our daughter to work at saving our marriage,I am sad I could not give my daughter the life I wanted her to have and I am sad that people these days see the ending of a marriage as cause for celebration. It's not, it should give us all cause to reflect on ourselves, the lives we lead and the people affected by our actions (and I include my own in that statement)

I am not sad anymore that I do not have my husband, he has moved on with his life and I finally accepted this and with that acceptance the love disappeared. All I have now is the memory of the relationship we had and looking back on it, it was not an equal one.

There is a plus point to the sadness though. I stated earlier that I did not enjoy success with conventional dating after my break up, and after much persuasion from friends I tried internet dating. I had a few hiccups at the beginning but I met a guy who made me laugh, had a similar outlook on life and was a tonic to all my ails. Throughout the last 20months he has proved himself to be a genuine , caring, supportive and extremely understanding boyfriend. Which is just as well really, as the road he decided to travel with me has not been the smoothest!

Now though, I'm finally getting there. I look forward to simple things, like getting a dvd and cuddling up on the couch, going for a walk on a Saturday morning, taking my daughter to the panto where we can laugh at the jokes that go over the kids heads, talking about holidays we'd like to go on, jumping in the car and going somewhere at the weekends (I've never travelled so much in my life!) and just effortlessly enjoying each others company.

We've also had arguments, which was all new to me, but I realised that we were actually being completely open with each other and not being afraid to vent it. I'm not saying I enjoyed it as such, but I enjoyed the freedom of saying exactly what I felt without feeling it would be stored up to be used against me at a later date. This has only happened twice but I reckon we are stronger for it.

I can categorically no longer deny that I am in love with this man.

I didn't think I'd get to this point again, and I put up so many barriers I was pretty sure no one could break through them anyway, but he has. He should get a medal for that achievement alone! He also gets on like a house on fire with my daughter, they tease each other mercilessly, they joke together (quite often aimed I me I may add) and he has strong family values.

My only wish now is that we some day soon get the freedom my ex enjoys. My marital home has still not sold, I am still living there and am unable to move without releasing it's ever decreasing equity, and in todays market it's unlikely to sell soon. Until it does we're kind of stuck in this limbo of wanting to move on to the next stage in our relationship but still stuck in the dating stage (not a bad thing in some ways hehe). So this week the big clearout has begun to try to sell the house. All personal photo's have been taken down, all unnecessary things have begun to be stored or thrown out and much to her annoyance my daughter's very childlike bedroom will soon be a might more sophisticated.

I know it's cliche but this is a New Year and I really do want it to be a new start for all of us. I am hoping that our determination (not desperation) will have the desired effect and our positivity will brush off onto potential purchasers. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that before the year is out I'll be going 'knock knock' on a new front door:-)

Christianity

It's been a while I know but I thought I'd kick of April with a religious post not just due to Easter but because I have been having a wee debate with a member of my family who is a devout Christian.He is young,doesn't preach,but does believe that those who do not become Christians will not go to Heaven. This is a little of what I've said to him then I promise I shall go back to discussing Corrie or Eastenders and what my love life is like at the moment. He just stirred a bit of something in me that I didn't actually know was there, so bear with me.
Part of me would love to have connection with the church ,deep down i actually do have faith but it has been tainted with a negative vision not of Christianity itself, but of the inherant faults in human nature and the distorted view that some have of the Church and what it means.
My Grandmother was a prime example. She not only was an extremely active member of the church but also of Eastern star,my Grandfather was a Mason,as was my Father.My family as a whole came from all creeds,protestant and catholic, but if any other faith or colour of person was mentioned in front of them it was met with bigotted reaction.
My Grandmother used to visit friends from the church regularly yet on her return would proceed to put down their personal lives,appearances or that of the inside of their homes,despite preaching to us how good a person she was because she went to church.I know from my dealings with the church since being a child (I also attended Girls Brigade up until I was 15) that this is not uncommon.In some ways it's goodness by association.I guess what I'm trying to say that Yes I could attend Church and declare myself Christian but I can get as much faith and understanding as I need simply by following what is written in the bible and my own sense of what life is all about. I feel sorry for people who live empty, shallow lives,with no thought for anyone but themselves and where they are going to get their next bout of excitement from, and I hope that they find what I have one day. I have self respect and respect for others,I have a lot of love in my heart,I have charity, I have forgiveness (although having your heart broken makes this process longer,but I'll get there)I have the unconditional love of being a mother and the life experiences to make me realise what is important.I don't believe that I'll go to hell simply by not being a member of a church, as I believe that all good people will be accepted to wherever we go when our bodies have expired,as long as they have followed the simple rules that the bible set out. Lets face it hypothetically. A child is born on an island in the middle of nowhere,the only person with him is his mother. There is no minister or priest and no Churches but his mother teaches him the common senses of right and wrong,of respect for his surroundings and the animals on the island. She teaches him not to be greedy or their sustainence will run out, she teaches him that in order to survive they must be active,that they must keep their home clean and tidy and free from bugs that could cause disease, she teaches him to be clean to stave off infections,she teaches him that although they sometimes have to kill an animal to survive that it should be done in a humane manner to ease any suffering of that animal,she teaches him that when she gets old and unable to do all she did before that he helps her and becomes a responsible and compassionate human being. Now will that boy be accepted in Heaven?xx

words are not enough

It seems these days I have a lot going on in my life, with less and less time for blogging. This is in some ways a good thing because I have always tended to blog when in some sort of emotional turmoil and felt the need for either help, or just a place to vent uninterrupted. Or sometimes its when I want people to maybe pause and think of however bad their circumstances,they should actually appreciate what they have around them. This week is one of those times.

You see ,this week one of my daughter's school friends died. She was 9 years old.

There was no warning, she left for school in the morning and just before her swimming lesson in the afternoon, she collapsed and never regained consciousness.

There is nothing anyone can say that will help ease the pain of her parents and it is unimaginable to me what they must be going through. The last thing any of us expect is to send our child to school in the morning and for them not to come home.My heart goes out to them and their family, and to the children and teachers of the school.
It has started to sink in with the children that their friend isn't coming back to play and all we can do is be there to help them understand, even though we can barely do that ourselves.

Life is precious and beautiful but can turn in an instant and be viciously cruel and unfair. We never know what's in store for us, and we can plan as best we can but I for one will appreciate everything I have good and bad that bit more and be thankful of that opportunity.

Christmas is coming and.......

I am wanting to get fat!!! please put some curry in this young at heart girls hat!!

Well maybe not in my hat, but on a plate with a naan bread would be perfectly acceptable. For those of you who don't know, for the last couple of years I have not only been going through a particularly traumatic marriage break up but also I was diagnosed with an allergy to salicylate. In laymans terms it's an allergy to the same substance that aspirin is a derivative of but which encompases all the foods that contain this natural insectiside found in most plants,fruits and vegetables.
The main reaction to this allergy is asthma.
The good news is that new research being conducted (of which I am a guinea pig!) has shown that by cutting out foods in the diet containing salicylates and introducing tiny controlled doses of a specific type of aspririn, that gradually you can detox your body and then reintroduce those foods back into the diet. Good news for me is ......... my reintroduction time has come!!
I am allowed.... after several tests at hospital in London on Wednesday....to GRADUALLY try bringing some of those foods back ino my diet.
I know you may not think this is a big deal, but just for a second think of how many things contain derivatives of plants, fruit and veg as well as the obvious fruits and veg you can buy as whole entities.
The things I've missed the most are things like tea (one of the highest on my list of no no's due to the dried tea leaves),curry (herbs and spices are extremely high in salicylate),italian food (tomatoes and herbs)fruit juice,peanut butter (Yes I love it on toast) and the luxury of just being able to eat a piece of the carrot I'm chopping for my daughter's dinner!
The only plus point of this condition is that I've had the figure of an 18year old for the past year but only due to an extremely restrictive boring,bland diet. So, where do I start?
I have to still be cautious,the doctors are still learning about this condition and I cannot risk overloading my system after my dedication of the last 18months, but I can't wait to at long last be able to enjoy my food once more and have a little bit of flavour back in my life (imagine soup without stock) So bring on the cranberry sauce and merry Christmas to you all xx