ho hum

Right I was all big and soooo self assured and deleted Text guy's number from my phone the other day,but doesn't make a slightest jot of a difference when he's not deleted mine = A lot of messaging
I tried to ignore them but when someone asks then 'you ok?' I can't help myself
Even worse when I tell him he's: a workaholic,impulsive,likes the chase but can take or leave the catch, doesn't want me in the flesh but would prefer a virtual playmate.
He explained why he's not been in touch over the last few weeks bar a few messages, of which I won't go into cos it'll make me sound even worse.Cue me starting to feel a little bit guilty.
He says he is definitely not a player, (as I'd heard from a reliable source, but I struggle to trust any man that eligible who says he's not one!) far from it.
I told him I thought he could have his pick of partner but just liked a bit of a challenge,he replied he could say the same about me (told you he was smooth!) Anyway to cut a very very long story short he then flirted,I then flirted back,he got naughty, I got naughty back and now we're back to square one and supposedly going out at the weekend.I am weak weak weak but oh it felt so so good.
Oh and Geordie boy has been notably absent since Saturday despite saying 'I'll call you tomorrow for a chat and we'll organise to meet up'! *pah*

ps please gohere and read John's post for the day,I defy anyone not to laugh.x

knowing

I remember my favourite English teacher always telling me before we wrote a story, that it was often easier if we wrote about what we knew, even if it was a fictional story it would make it more believable. He told us that many authors did alot of research into the subjects they were writing about to make it easier to form a plot and characters that the readers could relate to.
So why is it then that I've been writing (sort of) for the last few weeks on a subject I obviously know nothing about. I never realised that coming out of a relationship (I had one, so obviously I know that bit) and finding myself,at the age of 35, single and thinking of dating again was such a minefield!

First of all there's actually getting out in the first place.Not as easy as it sounds.
When you've just had a very small social circle of married, settled friends and then find yourself not married (not through choice) not settled and a mum, then your list of available friends to go out with becomes scarily small.

Then there's knowing where to go. Places I would have gone when I was in my early twenties are no longer places I would go now and I also don't want to get stuck in the doing a hobby thing-It's just not me.

Then there's finding someone in that place who you think you would get on with and have some fun, who'd also think the same as you.
I tend to have no particular problem talking to or being approached by men when I go out but my problem is how much do I tell them. The first question is usually 'are you single' to which I always now say 'yes' unless I don't particularly want to talk to them.I am still officially married, but seeing as my ex is now happily residing about 90miles away in his little shag pad and left 10months ago I think this is a fairly truthful statement.

Next it's 'what do you do' to which I answer 'I'm a self employed artist', and if I really like them I'll add 'and a part time artists model' both true, but the second one is always a clincher in the conversation stakes!

So after that it's usually talk about what all this involves (no I don't take all my clothes off) and discussion on what they do, what ages we are blah blah blah,then drinks are bought, maybe numbers exchanged. Very very rarely am I asked if I have children, which surprises me given my age,or if I'm divorced, ditto,but I always make a point of telling anyone I'm interested in going out with that I do have a child and for most it seems to make no difference.
So this is all fine.

Then there's after the night out. The promised phonecall. Luckily for me so far this promised phonecall has always arrived (lucky Geordie boy got there just in time as his number was about to be deleted!) and this is where I seem to be going wrong, as in the cold light of day and with clearer heads, the questions are more concise and probing.
Were you married?,How long for?,What did he do?,What did you do?,How old is your child?How often do you get out?, How often does he have access?,Are you a kept woman then?(yes someone did ask me that!)What do you drive??

I answer truthfully to all these questions and I ask as many of my own back,but I can't help thinking that at this stage of the game it's all too much. Why can't we go out in each others company first and get to know the real person inside a little and not just what comes with her. It's almost as if they're thinking ahead and wondering if any of my responsibilities will come down around their heads instead of thinking of them as just that, MY responsibilities.

I'm 35 not 65,and I'm young at heart,I've just come out of a heartbreaking end to what I thought would be my marriage for life,I still want to have fun, I still want to have a drink if I want one,I still want to dance like no one's watching, I still want to laugh till my sides ache,I still want the romantic walks in the country, I still want to sit by an open fire on a frosty winters day and drink steaming mugs of real hot chocolate,I don't want to look like a 35 year old woman trying to pass herself off as 20,but I want all this in my own time.

For now I just want to go out have some fun, maybe meet someone I like and get to know them,it's not a big request. I don't want to be cut down in that first instance because of what my life has in it,because somewhere in there amongst all the things is me.

Good versus Bad

Absolutely shattered today and in need of much sleep, yet again. Though being another sleepless night certainly gave me plenty of time to think of my current dilema's and come to some sort of conclusions.
I need to start thinking of dating not as a potential way to find a partner but as a way to get out and enjoy myself with some half decent company,and given the fact that I also unwittingly seem to attract the ones with reasonable disposable income,in nice surroundings too.
Then at least if I find that I do actually hit it off with any of them then I can take the next steps when I'm ready.
On London Girl's advice too I shall give the two current contenders nicknames so as to avoid confusion. The guy I met on Saturday night is hereby known as Geordie (cos he is) and other is now known as Text guy (cos he does). Now Geordie is sounding more and more like my kind of guy.He's down to earth,likes a laugh,dances without going 'nah I don't dance unless I've had 10pints',is closer to my age,self sufficient and calls when he says he's going to. Other plus points are he's not put off by mini me (if he was he'd be straight out the picture) very fit (as in exercises) but not so much that he's obsessed,attractive,tall and has two properties in my home city of the burgh (therefore good taste).I shall find out more when we go out next weekend.
Good points of Text guy are he's also down to earth,still likes going out despite being 8years my senior,very attractive in a manly way, also keeps fit and appears to have very good manners,but I'm getting the feeling off him that things are only done his way when he wants them to be done,that work is his life and he never calls when he says he will (the texts I got the other day were because he was having a bad day at work and wanted me to perk him up,literally,nothing wrong with that but if I was having a bad day and texted him I have the feeling I would not get a reply) I don't want to fall into the going for the bad boy trap and my instincts are telling me I could get addicted to him, but not in a good way!
Just realised reading over this how effective blogging is at answering questions you don't even realise you're asking yourself. If I stumbled on this blog I'd be shouting at me right now saying 'stay away from the text guy!!' - though my dad told me the other night on no account was I to dump him as he wants to have a go in his flash car!My father is sooo shallow!

being myself?

Hullooooo *peers nervously around the door*
aahhhhemmm
It's been a while since I've been here and it's a bit daunting I must say. I wondered what to write on my first post of my new blog, but I reckon you may be so used to my rambling(previous commenter's on my deleted life blog that is) that anything remotely trying to be clever or thought provoking may be laughed at, so I'll just give you a bit of a catch up on what I've been up to.(I'm saying 'you' like I'm assuming people are going to want to read this!)
Well where do i start. I am now a happy singleton instead of one who thought it was absolutely the worst thing ever on the planet, and no longer think having my heart broken was something I'd never survive. In fact I'd go so far as to say I'm actually enjoying myself for the first time in.... well lets just say it feels like a very long time. The broken part of me is now safely stored in the lessons learned part of my brain,only to be used when repeating the same mistakes later.
I'll start with dating:
I've taken the first tentative steps into the scary world of dating and landed somewhat lucky in my first attempt by not having to even look about for him. He came into my then place of work (that's changed too!) bought something,then commented on my lovely glasses. I thought he was lovely but thought no more of it until that night,when out on my first night out in 8MONTHS! he was the first person i bumped into!
We talked all night, he got a peck on the cheek (I'm a lady!)and that was that. Next day there was a note through the door asking me out for dinner. yippee I thought a real man asking me out for a real dinner. But when it came down to calling him back I confess it took me 2 days!. I had been in the same relationship for 13years and to be frank i couldn't bloody remember what to do. How do you have conversation? Is there etiquette involved? do I leave it a bit longer to call? Do I kiss him at the end of the night or the beginning or would he expect more if he's taking me out to a swanky restaurant.Will I talk too much or not enough(i have a tendency to do both depending on the mood) Shit!
Now you all might think that this is just a little bit melodramatic but I was seriously panicking, then someone told me 'just be yourself' and made it worse! I could try that I suppose if I could remember who that was. I've been Mum and wife for so long I'd kind of lost myself in the ether.Now I know I can have fun, have a laugh with my friends, drink too much and make a fool of myself, but that's with people I know, and 9 times out of 10 was in my own home.Shit!
So I did the only thing I could think of, I put on new clothes, put on my best slap,downed a triple vodka and pretended it wasn't a date but a meeting with an important client.
Now I don't know if it was the vodka ,the very expensive new trousers I'd just broken the bank for,or the fact I had put the whole thought of it being a date out of my mind, but I felt super confident after that and found myself actually enjoying the conversation. In fact I'd go so far as to say it flowed! So much so that he left mine at 2am after coffee more chat and the most amazing kiss I've had in years.
Now you may want to know what happened next but I've got a lot of time to catch up on so you'll have to wait, just remember though I'm single for the first time in a lifetime and want to have some fun so don't have me married off yet! x