ho hum

Right I was all big and soooo self assured and deleted Text guy's number from my phone the other day,but doesn't make a slightest jot of a difference when he's not deleted mine = A lot of messaging
I tried to ignore them but when someone asks then 'you ok?' I can't help myself
Even worse when I tell him he's: a workaholic,impulsive,likes the chase but can take or leave the catch, doesn't want me in the flesh but would prefer a virtual playmate.
He explained why he's not been in touch over the last few weeks bar a few messages, of which I won't go into cos it'll make me sound even worse.Cue me starting to feel a little bit guilty.
He says he is definitely not a player, (as I'd heard from a reliable source, but I struggle to trust any man that eligible who says he's not one!) far from it.
I told him I thought he could have his pick of partner but just liked a bit of a challenge,he replied he could say the same about me (told you he was smooth!) Anyway to cut a very very long story short he then flirted,I then flirted back,he got naughty, I got naughty back and now we're back to square one and supposedly going out at the weekend.I am weak weak weak but oh it felt so so good.
Oh and Geordie boy has been notably absent since Saturday despite saying 'I'll call you tomorrow for a chat and we'll organise to meet up'! *pah*

ps please gohere and read John's post for the day,I defy anyone not to laugh.x

knowing

I remember my favourite English teacher always telling me before we wrote a story, that it was often easier if we wrote about what we knew, even if it was a fictional story it would make it more believable. He told us that many authors did alot of research into the subjects they were writing about to make it easier to form a plot and characters that the readers could relate to.
So why is it then that I've been writing (sort of) for the last few weeks on a subject I obviously know nothing about. I never realised that coming out of a relationship (I had one, so obviously I know that bit) and finding myself,at the age of 35, single and thinking of dating again was such a minefield!

First of all there's actually getting out in the first place.Not as easy as it sounds.
When you've just had a very small social circle of married, settled friends and then find yourself not married (not through choice) not settled and a mum, then your list of available friends to go out with becomes scarily small.

Then there's knowing where to go. Places I would have gone when I was in my early twenties are no longer places I would go now and I also don't want to get stuck in the doing a hobby thing-It's just not me.

Then there's finding someone in that place who you think you would get on with and have some fun, who'd also think the same as you.
I tend to have no particular problem talking to or being approached by men when I go out but my problem is how much do I tell them. The first question is usually 'are you single' to which I always now say 'yes' unless I don't particularly want to talk to them.I am still officially married, but seeing as my ex is now happily residing about 90miles away in his little shag pad and left 10months ago I think this is a fairly truthful statement.

Next it's 'what do you do' to which I answer 'I'm a self employed artist', and if I really like them I'll add 'and a part time artists model' both true, but the second one is always a clincher in the conversation stakes!

So after that it's usually talk about what all this involves (no I don't take all my clothes off) and discussion on what they do, what ages we are blah blah blah,then drinks are bought, maybe numbers exchanged. Very very rarely am I asked if I have children, which surprises me given my age,or if I'm divorced, ditto,but I always make a point of telling anyone I'm interested in going out with that I do have a child and for most it seems to make no difference.
So this is all fine.

Then there's after the night out. The promised phonecall. Luckily for me so far this promised phonecall has always arrived (lucky Geordie boy got there just in time as his number was about to be deleted!) and this is where I seem to be going wrong, as in the cold light of day and with clearer heads, the questions are more concise and probing.
Were you married?,How long for?,What did he do?,What did you do?,How old is your child?How often do you get out?, How often does he have access?,Are you a kept woman then?(yes someone did ask me that!)What do you drive??

I answer truthfully to all these questions and I ask as many of my own back,but I can't help thinking that at this stage of the game it's all too much. Why can't we go out in each others company first and get to know the real person inside a little and not just what comes with her. It's almost as if they're thinking ahead and wondering if any of my responsibilities will come down around their heads instead of thinking of them as just that, MY responsibilities.

I'm 35 not 65,and I'm young at heart,I've just come out of a heartbreaking end to what I thought would be my marriage for life,I still want to have fun, I still want to have a drink if I want one,I still want to dance like no one's watching, I still want to laugh till my sides ache,I still want the romantic walks in the country, I still want to sit by an open fire on a frosty winters day and drink steaming mugs of real hot chocolate,I don't want to look like a 35 year old woman trying to pass herself off as 20,but I want all this in my own time.

For now I just want to go out have some fun, maybe meet someone I like and get to know them,it's not a big request. I don't want to be cut down in that first instance because of what my life has in it,because somewhere in there amongst all the things is me.

Men and buses

Right after months of being single and desperately seeking company, why is it that there is now an influx of eligible, and very available men knocking on my door? '
What on earth are you complaining about?' I hear you ask. Well here's my problem, I am incapable of going out with more than one person at a time, as even though they may be just dates and hardly a bloody commitment I still feel like it's wrong and I'm somehow being dishonest by doing so. This I believe may be to do with being married for the last 10years and being completely faithful to my husband or it may be that it was drilled in to me by my mother after my Dad left home that it was very wrong to be with 2 people at once.
So what do I do?
I met a really nice guy on Saturday night, have a great laugh with him, we swap numbers and have spoken and are hopefully going out next week(I've given up believing plans so always pre-empt them with 'hopefully')
Then hey presto someone who I'd given up on then contacts me on Monday and several rather naughty texts ensued, but I have no idea where that may lead as he seems to be a bit of an enigma.
So do I write off the guy who I met at the weekend even though we may actually hit it off (and he made me laugh a lot) or do I agree to see other guy who I have an unbelievable physical attraction to but haven't got to know him well enough yet to know if we match in any other way!
And I won't even go into the story about the 23year old PE teacher (he did have gorgeous eyes though)
This coupled with the fact I'm an indecisive Libran who constantly weighs up pro's and con's, and then has an argument with herself over which ones are pro's and which ones are cons, doesn't make for an easy nights sleep! Oh why can't things be simple. Times like this where I wish the American way of dating several people at once was considered the norm here.