Times they are a' changin

Well just to add a little cheer to my somewhat emotional of late blog,I have at long last (and fingers crossed it wont fall through) sold my house!!! The moment was a humongous melting pot of joy, of at last being able to properly start getting on with my life and a realisation of finality of the end of an era. I am glad to say though that the joy reigns supreme. The feelings tied up in this house have been tolerated through necessity and the weight that is about to be lifted would be enough to sink a small ship.
I figure that if I can get through the last year, and the next few weeks of facing all my memories whilst packing, then I'm fit to conquer anything!! There will be a lot of changes not just for me but for my daughter. She has lived a very comfortable life materially speaking,and is about to learn that not everything she has now just appears from nowhere. Her reaction when I told her that when we move the sky plus TV will be no more,was one of complete horror,but I think it will be the best thing for her.
She has never been a precocious child,nor been given everything she wants but she has maybe not understood before that all the things she takes for granted come at a cost and it will be sharp learning curve for her, but one I believe will make her a better person more appreciative of her surroundings.
The other good news is that 3days later I found a lovely little house for us! It's been fully refurbished and even better- It's VACANT. The buyers who have bought our house have no chain either so this really couldn't be a better scenario.So it looks like in the next 8weeks I will be moved on and starting afresh. It's been a long hard slog to get this far without going completely off my trolley but I've had love and support from my family (and I'm including my ex's family in this who've been a great support to me especially my mother and father-in-law and of course my drama queen niece) and of course over the last few months my bf who has been a pillar of strength. He's had so much to contend with from me what with my wounded spirit but the sticking plasters I was held together with are finally falling away to reveal a lovely new layer of resilience.

Bear with me

So many things have happened over the last few weeks I'm struggling to condense it into words so you'll have to bear with any rambling or emotional outburst's with me along the way I'm afraid.I figure if I apologise upfront you may let me off.Think it may have to take a few posts to cover it.

Here goes for probably the most significant development,which I knew would happen sooner or later. My ex has finally and thankfully admitted that he is with the woman who he had an affair with. He's been trying for the last few weeks to get me to say I have a boyfriend (who may I add has been a godsend) obviously because it would then make it easier for him to get the words out,but I held off for a little bit longer,not out of spite, but purely because I wanted mine and boyfriends little spell of idyllic privacy to go on for just a bit longer,and my hurt to stay suppressed.

Anyway,ex came over to pick up mini me and we had a few things to talk over about the never ending house saga (starting to think I'll still be here at christmas) and a certain business issue I have (a whole other post!)which he's helping me with, he made a few references to what my 'Special friend' thought of things. I told him he was of the same opinion as ex was and is also supporting me. I then asked him what his 'special friend' thought,and he said he hadn't discussed it with her yet. So there we are both skirting round things, so I plucked up a little courage and asked him if his girlfriend was who I thought she was.He replied 'yes,but it's not been going on as long as you think it has'
There, the words were out and I was still alive, just!
I know exactly how long this has been going on and unbeknown to ex, I had openly discussed it with his Mum and told her that I expected him to do as follows:

1. Deny he was having a relationship with her when we were together - check
2.Say that it was over anyway - check
3. Leave a gap of several months saying he was having some time alone and wasn't ready for a relationship - check
4.After several months they would just hapen to decide that they were inextricably drawn together but wanted to take it easy and see what happens - check

The last part is the most ridiculous unless taking your new girlfriend to meet the parents and bringing 'our' best friends down to your new bachelor pad to introduce her to them is taking it slow? Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but my so called friends were disgusted with his behaviour and hers,but now it looks like they'll all be bosom buddies,yippee.
But hey you know what,I reckon I'm allowed a little rant.This is the man who would not own up to an affair but instead I had to find out about it by receiving his and hers holiday flight tickets through my door (which he'd booked for the day after our tenth wedding anniversary!Our tenth wedding anniversary,which was supposed to be being spent in Vegas renewing our wedding vows and had been booked just a few months previously)
So there I am sitting there, trying to keep myself composed when he drops in this clanger, 'I know you probably don't want to hear this but she's a really nice person'
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man has no idea that he's ripped my heart out,torn it into a million pieces and is now proceeding to rub my own face in it.
But, and this is such a BIG but, I don't know how I pulled it off,I sat there and said to him I would be the bigger person and accept this and that as she was obviously going to be a part of my daughter's life,I want them to spend a bit of time together to get to know one another.

Inside my very soul is tearing in two,I feel like my life has been stolen,but I have to move on. I have to.I have to. I have to.

There is more to tell from that day and I feel I am sacrificing my very being by what I did but hey,life isn't bloody easy is it,love can give you the greatest joy and it can tear you apart,I'm just trying to do the right thing for my child,I'll have my private moments of grief that she'll never get to see.But I will never poison her head and will bring her up to respect others and have the moral standards that others seem to have misplaced.
I have the love,support,patience and understanding of BF.I told him that,emotionally, the next few months will be hard for me,packing all my memories and dreams into cardboard boxes will no doubt bring it's tears but I'm hoping that when I finally get out of this permanent daily reminder of my marital home and the pain of the last year, I will at last be able to put the demons to rest.

BOOOOZE

You must forgive any spelling mistakes,bad grammar (well,more than usual anyway) poor content and self pity this week. I have been severely visited by the hangover fairy. She waved her wand over my head on Friday night and continued her evil magic on Saturday. I now have a faceful of spots, bags under my eyes like an overfilled potato sack and reckon I may have easily have gained a few pounds.
All my own fault, as I never found the inner strength to resist the fact that there was more than one bottle of wine in my house on Friday night. This was thanks to a lovely visit from Drama Queen's BF (my home is their home)who was passing on his wee visit to the UK. My BF also came over as we'd decided to make a little night of it by having some nice grub followed by a visit to our local. We had the grub (home made Lasagne and garlic ciabatta with Italian salad) but because everyone had bought wine we decided to drink some of that before the pub. We never made it!
BF had also brought some lager with him so after a few glasses of wine for him and then going onto lager,that left me and DQ's BF with the wine. BIG MISTAKE!! I am not proud of this (least of all for the fact I'm not even meant to drink wine) but we got through 3 bottles of red ( a nice chianti,cabernet sauvignon and a lovely fruity beaujolais)Once they'd gone it was discovered that there was also a bottle of chardonnay in the fridge, so we got through half of that as well. The choices being made on my Ipod after that were definitely ecclectic to say the least.
I am not a big drinker and, because of mini me, am generally a responsible adult (honest) but the conversation was flowing,mini me was at her Dad's and for some reason it seemed like a great idea at the time.
I take great comfort in the fact that I was definitely not the only one worse for wear,however remind me never ever to do that the day before I am scheduled in to take mini me and 10 (YES 10!) of her friends to McDonalds and then the cinema!! I may have to go one step further though and just say remind me never to take 11 children to McDonalds and then the cinema even if I was well.

getting to know me

My last post about mine and BF's weekend away seemed to prompt more queries about our 1st minor spat than the nerve wracking experience of me meeting his Mum and Son for the first time. Oh the voyeuristic nature of humans eh. But I couldn't not let you know about this weekend as it was as much me getting to know myself as it was BF getting to know me.
This weekend he went on a stag weekend to Prague. I sent him off with best wishes for a safe journey and an enjoyable drunken weekend,whilst at the same time looking forward to a girly weekend of TV,bubble baths and self indulgence.
I figured I would miss him,a lot,but I also figured I may actually look forward to a weekend of not having to make sure I'd shaved my legs and carefully applied my make up to look like I wasn't wearing any even though I know he doesn't care if I am or not (I think it's nice to make a bit of effort!)What I didn't bank on was learning exactly how damaged I am and how he was put on this earth to guide me by the hand through the demons.
It all started fine,and I know what happens on Stag do's,I'm not naive,I just never particularly cared to hear about them.Thing is though BF didn't know this and on the Saturday night,being the honest boy that he is and thinking I'd find it funny,proceeded to text me to tell me how they'd all chipped in to get the Groom a dance at a strip club. Cue me,not laughing, as I would have expected myself to in a previous life,but panicking and sobbing and getting myself unbelievably worked up.
You see the moment he told me, I had visions of him,watching this girl who he doesn't know,dancing close, naked,enjoying it and laughing.It took me straight back to the haunting visions I lived with day and night when I knew my then husband was sleeping with someone else but had no proof.He'd deny it,he'd sleep with me, but I knew.If the person you love does that to you it tears you apart.At that time your brain never stops the nightmares of those visions of them together,touching,kissing,whispering intimacies to each other and you feel like you're being laughed at,made a mockery of and generally you're self esteem vanishes.It all flooded into my head. I felt weak,insecure and needy and more upset than I would have ever thought.I shocked myself.
I replied that I'd rather not hear about it and kept my message light as I didn't want give in to this insecure side of me bursting through the surface of calm I've had for the last couple of months. But I never ended my message with a kiss and immediately gave myself away.He knew I was upset,he tried to call,I couldn't speak for fear of saying the wrong thing,he tried again,twice,I switched the phone off to compose myself.I then sent him a message explaining how what he had just said and done made me feel and the reason why.He replied,he was devastated he'd upset me, he understood exactly, and me not answering my phone had made him feel like his world was collapsing around him,he spent the next few hours calling me to make sure I was ok and reassuring me.He never got drunk that night.
I then got worried that I'd spoiled his weekend,but this was quickly dispelled by him telling me that it hadn't been spoiled,he'd just learned a bit more about me,how much I'd been put through and how much it had affected me and that he wants to help repair the damage.
Up until that point I thought the only major hurdle I'd had to get over was that of getting over my ex,but it's not.I'm over him, but the after effects of what he did will be with me for a long time to come,the feelings of inadequacy,being disrespected,unwanted,unloved,all those things which get buried in the quagmire of daily existence are just sitting there waiting for their chance to escape into your psyche and make you doubt yourself.
I was as shocked by my reaction, as he was to how upsetting me made him feel.He's not the only one learning about me,I am learning too,about the new me and all that she comes with.
I know he respects me,I know he's proud of me,I know he wants me and yes I know he loves me,but who said these feelings of doubt were rational.It'll take time,understanding and it'll take love,he wants to help repair the damage and just by his reassuring words I feel that his wish has already begun to work.

Surprises

'I'm so excited and I just can't hide it'.
Cheesy, but i don't care a jot. I'm jumping round the house today like Tigger on acid!
Why?
Because I called my Mum yesterday - as I do most days - and dropped the comment in that I'd see her very soon,as me and BF are off up to the Burgh at the end of July. She paused and said 'well it may be a bit sooner than that'.
Brill I thought, a wee visit from my Mum,who I miss like crazy.So I asked her when I'd be seeing her, 'How does tomorrow sound?' she said.
Fan-bloody-tastic!!!
I have no idea how she managed to keep it quiet but I love surprises like that.When you're so far away from your nearest and dearest (especially during times of emotional trauma or stress)the thought of just being able to be near them is enough to make me jump in the car and drive the 350 miles for a hug from my Mum.
I have the unbelievably bad weather we're having here at the moment to thank as well. You see my Stepdad is a bonafide farmer, and this time of year is normally written off for any type of break because it's normally when it's warm and dry enough to bale the hay. Not this year though,the torrential downpours have put paid to the hay being dry enough for at least a few weeks.Every cloud has a silver lining (although I do hope it stops raining soon,the country is in complete chaos)
It's just an overnight visit as her and my lovely stepdad are off to my Uncle's 60th further south,but I don't care,it's a fix of family that'll keep me going for the next few weeks till I see them all again. I'm off out to buy some more grub for tomorrow's breakfast and am so looking forward to seeing mini-me's face when she sees her Granny and Papa walking down the drive because her Mummy likes giving her surprises too.

The time is now

For the last few days I've had a debate going on in my head (I have two Phoenix's in there and sometimes they get on, but at times like this they need to be regularly pulled apart and reprimanded for scrapping!).
Things are going exceptionally well with New guy, so well in fact that a name change is now necessary to the grand title of BF (he asked if I'd do him the honour of being his GF and I thought about it for all of 3seconds). We spend loads of great time together,we have a weekend booked away next weekend (when I shall be meeting his Mum and his Son!!), we have just booked a trip to Amsterdam which shall be finished off by a weekend in Edinburgh and,without wanting to jinx anything,we have become the best of friends.
So when do I tell ex?
I wanted to keep BF to myself for as long as possible,however a few incidents recently have caused me to reassess. You see at the moment I see him the weekends when ex has mini me and some evenings during the week when she's safely tucked up in bed. But in my head I feel as if I'm sneaking around doing something wrong because of the secrecy. I know I'm not doing anything wrong.I've been on my own for a long time,ex had an affair which he handled in the worst possible way and he broke up the family,so I'm under no cloud of guilt in that respect,but I want to shout from the rooftops how I've found this wonderful person who makes me feel happy and safe.
I also though have to be a responsible parent and be guided by the feelings and emotions of my child.
She, however, is desperate to meet this man who's making her Mum smile again. She turned round the other day and said she was so glad she told me to get a boyfriend as he's made me happy,and if I'm happy then she's happy.She also said she wants to meet him and knows already she likes him because of how he's made me *8 going on 28!*
I don't talk about him every minute of the day to her,but I've gradually brought his name into conversations and she's openly asked questions,of which I answer honestly.She is a very bright child and emotionally balanced.She tells me daily how she is proud to have me as her Mum and I tell her how proud I am of her and how she's handled the last year.
I hate that I have to make this my ex's business but I wouldn't appreciate it if he introduced another woman to her without telling me first,so there's no way I can avoid it.I just didn't plan on it being so soon.
Mini me's birthday is in 4 weeks time and it's after then that I now want to introduce her to BF,but do I tell ex well before then to let him get used to the idea or is the day before adequate? I know what I want to do,but a lot of that has to do with how I feel about BF and not necessarily because it's the sensible thing to do.