Timewarp

forgive me dear blog it has been almost a year since I have written........


So many things have happened and where to start is anyone's guess. Sometimes i feel like it's all happening to someone else and I'm standing outside looking in.

First things first seeing as it's how my blog ended last....My dad got the all clear just before christmas and has so far beaten cancer. The tests showed that he had aggressive cells (he failed to tell us this fact until more than halfway through his treatment!)so he was given a rather nasty hormone implant and an intensive course of radiotherapy. The hormone implant was a series of rods inserted into his stomach which slowly release oestrogen which in turn shrink the cancer cells as they are fed by testosterone. This did have the slight disadvantage of giving him a lovely set of moobs and a lovely pot belly! Both of which he seemed quite attached to:0). It's just lovely not to have the cloud hanging over him.

Secondly, I got divorced (After nearly 4 years of trauma!), I finally got my house sold and I came back home!!! The weight was visible lifting from my shoulders and I feel like I'm walking an extra foot taller. Everything kind of fell into place at the right time.
I had a call from my sister saying she thought her neighbours were selling up, but at that point I hadn't sold so I could do nothing. I was getting so desperate to move back i couldn't bear the thought of losing that house especially given it's proximity to my wee sis, so, for the first time in my 38 years, I asked for help from Mum. This did not sit comfortably with me but I truly felt this was meant, and Mum and Stepdad did not even hesitate to give me the required deposit. BF had helped by getting the mortgage in place just in case and before we could blink the paperwork was done. I will be forever grateful to them for their kindness! I'm still pinching myself that it actually happened.
The worst part was that I had no idea how long my house would take to sell....it had been 2 years on the market at that point and had fallen through more than once. The gods must have been looking down on me that time thought because a buyer turned up and the deal was done just in time for the summer holidays, perfect for mini me.

The house itself needs a lot of work but I've managed to get the major things out of the way (rewiring, new boiler, plastered upstairs completely and started on downstairs, had a new real fire put in to replace the manky old one etc etc)but already it feels like home.........

A week in the life....

Monday:

My Dad called me with the opening line of 'Now I don't want you to worry but...'.

It turns out that during an operation for something unrelated, the surgeon had done a routine scrape of his prostate and had found cancerous cells. Apparently this in itself is not too serious if caught in the early stages (most men as they get older tend to get cancerous prostate cells), but my Grandfather and his Father before him, both died of prostate cancer. The hospital have therefore decided to give Dad a course of radiotherapy and touch wood he will be fine before we know it. He's had an MRI scan and his results will be ready in a week, so we'll know more then.
I'm so glad my Dad was ill in the first place or they'd never have found it, and I thank the surgeon for doing his job so well.

Tuesday:

I receive a text from a friend. His wife recently gave birth to twins and very sadly one of them died shortly after birth, the funeral is arranged for Friday and I cant imagine what they are going through right now. On one hand they have the surviving twin to care for and be joyful for and on the other they have to grieve the loss of their other child. I am struggling to put into words what I feel about this situation and how best to give words of comfort to them.
Life can be so shit, it gives with one hand and indiscriminately takes with the other.

Wednesday:

I receive a letter from my lawyer. I'm going through a divorce right now. It's been almost 3 years since my husband left and I still struggle to cope with this situation sometimes. It seems my whole 10years of marriage is now compounded into a few pages of legal jargon and court stamps. A marriage that lasted years can be ended in seconds in some court, with a complete stranger rubber stamping a bit of paper.
It seems that there were several discrepancies with his financial disclosures and my lawyer has now applied to the court to stop the divorce until the finances are sorted. This is only because she's asked his lawyer several times to confirm that the decree absolut will not be applied for until the finances were sorted, but her requests have fallen on deaf ears. This could be the start of a messy situation I didn't want in the first place and I dont know if I have the stomach for it.

Thursday:

I reply to my lawyer and give her permission to send all the papers she needs to get things sorted. Despite my lack of stomach I have to protect mine and my daughter's futures. My ex is a high earner, I gave up my career to bring up our child and have nowhere near his earning potential, no pension (he'd promised his company and private pensions would cover both of us so therefore I didn't need one), when the house is sold I'll need capital to secure a small mortgage (he's just bought a £465,000 house with his girlfriend so it's safe to say his housing needs are met)
I call my Dad, he's doing ok, says he feels fine and then tells me he had his radiotherapy today. He didn't tell us all because he didn't want us to worry. I think that's our perrogative though so I worry anyway but I don't tell him that.
I try and prepare myself for the funeral tomorrow.

Friday:

I finish work early and head to the Church. as it gets closer to 1'o clock it becomes apparent that there's something not right. The church is still closed and there is a handful of us waiting outside. None of us though want to call and check. Then we get a text. The mother of the twins had been rushed into hospital with a complication from the birth. Thankfully she was going to be ok but the funeral is postponed. You couldn't imagine this could get any worse for them, they've had so much to deal with and are now going to have to go throught the trauma of rearranging the funeral so they can finally put their little girl to rest.

This has been a week of personal emotion and that of others. It's weeks like this that make you wonder why shit things happen to good people but it's also a week to be thankful for those you have around you, that love you and support you. It's a week that makes you thankful for the things your parents have given you; their unconditional love, their knowledge and experience, and their sometimes unwanted advice, and it's a week to tell them so and never stop telling them. It's a week that makes you thankful that your children are here to love, to argue with you, to hug you, to frustrate you, to show you their wisdom beyond their years.
It's a week to be there for someone who needs you even if they dont ask you to.

In the words of JJ Barrie....No charge

For all of our children...............

______________________________________

Now our little boy came up to his mum in the kitchen this evenin' .

While she was fixin' supper and he handed her a piece of paper he'd been writin' on

and after wipin' her hands on her apron

She read it - and this is what it said

For mowin' the lawn - five dollars

For makin' my own bed this week - one dollar

and for goin' to the store - fifty cents

An' playin' with little brother, while you went shoppin' - twenty-five cents

Takin' out the trash - one dollar

Gettin' a good report card - five dollars

and for rakin' the yard - two dollars

Total owed - fourteen seventy-five

Well, as mum looked at him standin' there expectantly

and I could see the mem'ries flashing through her mind

and so she picked up the pen, and turnin' the paper over

This is what she wrote

For the nine months I carried you Growin' inside me - No charge

For the nights I've sat up with you Doctored you, and prayed for you - No charge

For the time and the tears That you've cost through the years, there's No charge

and when you add it all up The full cost of my love is No charge

For the nights filled with dread and all the worries ahead - No charge

For advice and the knowledge and the cost of your college - No charge

For the toys, food and clothes and even for wipin' your nose There's No charge, son

and when you add it all up The full cost of my love, is - No charge

Well, when he finished readin'

He had great big old tears in his eyes

and he looked up at her standing there and said Mama, I sure do love you

Then he took the pen, and in great big letters

He wrote PAID IN FULL

Lord knows when you add it all up The cost of real love is - No charge

____________________________________________________

I read this to my daughter..........she made me a cup of tea and told me she wouldn't charge me for it but could she have her bedroom painted blue......maybe I'll try again next year!!!!

Back to life!

I used to be a painter, I used to have my own interior's shop, I used to be a jewellery designer, I used to be an artists model, I used to, I used to, I used to.................Now I'm a dinner lady.

I constantly hear things like, "god, you must hate doing that job", or, and this is my particular favourite, "why on earth would you want to do that, when you could get something so much better with more money".

What was that line in Spiderman about power and responsibility? Neither of these things hold much attraction for me as far as work is concerned. I had my time of wanting more, being ambitious, climbing up the ladder, wanting success and the kudos that went with it. Now I want a job where I can go in, do what I get paid to do (and well I may add), enjoy the social contact of my fellow workmates and the teenagers who grace the dinner hall at lunchtime, and be home in time to pick my daughter up from school. I dont want any stress, my personal life for the last few years has had as much stress as I'd never want to have to cope with. I love my job and the freedom it gives me and the stability it gives my daughter at home. I am fortunate enough in that I dont have to work full time but am constantly being questioned as to why I dont want to.

This week I was offered, out of the blue, a job from an old aquaintance to do some designs. It initially would involve doing some corporate work for a members only club wanting to develop their own line in jewellery, so would be a set amount of pieces which once designed I would have no more involvement in, but then came what it was thought by the other party, to be the sweetener. This job may lead (and I say may in the broadest term) to more work from members wanting individual commissions. Now I know many would jump at this, and my past self would have as well, but it's not me anymore. I dont need to be top of my game, I dont need to be taking phonecalls on my family time weekends and evenings, or checking up on orders, or chasing progress of craftsmen, or supply of gemstones, or travelling to meet clients, or dealing with what would be impossibly high demands from the well heeled or media types this partcular club aims itself at. So I said no.

After much begging from my aquaintance, I agreed to give some ideas to the corporate bit of the deal, but only as a favour to her ( which I hasten to add would be stored and recouped at a later date). I do not want to be paid and I do not want any further involvement and I most certainly dont want the commissions. This was questioned by her, my boyfriend and needless to say a couple of my workmates who yearn to be someone other than one of the dinnerladies at their local school.

All I want is a nice quiet life to enjoy with those I love. I want my daughter to have her Mum to take her to school in the mornings and pick her up from school in the afternoon. I want to be able to take her to her piano lessons and go to school plays, I want to enjoy just being me and not have to mind my p's and q's with someone with more money than sense.

What's wrong with just wanting to be Mum?

knock knock

Who's there?
Me
Me Who?
I'm still trying to sus that one out! Ask me again later.

Seems like this blog has turned into an annual event as opposed to the daily one (sometimes twice daily) blog it used to be. A lot has happened since I last visited, way too much to put on this little page believe me! I just write now when I feel like it. I used to use this blog to help me with my daily emotional trauma's of my marriage break-up, then it was for the eventual occurrence of the return to dating......(or should I say lack of) that particular chapter in my life was short lived. I decided that conventional dating was not for me, I felt totally out of my depth after losing the man I thought I'd be with forever, and after 10 years of marriage was completely lost in the mire of scary modern dating.

I realise from that last statement that I sound ever so slightly ancient! I'm not, I'm 37, but I was never one for dating loads of blokes. I never actually dated any guy who I didn't already know at some level. Even then however, my total experience of boyfriend material was counted on one hand, including the boyfriend who eventually became my husband. I now find myself at the end of that chapter, my decree Nisi comes through tomorrow and in approximately 8 weeks time I shall be divorced.

Several of my friends have declared this a time of celebration, freedom, and 'you should be glad to be shot of him'. The truth of the matter is I am not happy, I am sad. I am sad for the loss of my marriage, I am sad that my husband never had enough respect for me or our daughter to work at saving our marriage,I am sad I could not give my daughter the life I wanted her to have and I am sad that people these days see the ending of a marriage as cause for celebration. It's not, it should give us all cause to reflect on ourselves, the lives we lead and the people affected by our actions (and I include my own in that statement)

I am not sad anymore that I do not have my husband, he has moved on with his life and I finally accepted this and with that acceptance the love disappeared. All I have now is the memory of the relationship we had and looking back on it, it was not an equal one.

There is a plus point to the sadness though. I stated earlier that I did not enjoy success with conventional dating after my break up, and after much persuasion from friends I tried internet dating. I had a few hiccups at the beginning but I met a guy who made me laugh, had a similar outlook on life and was a tonic to all my ails. Throughout the last 20months he has proved himself to be a genuine , caring, supportive and extremely understanding boyfriend. Which is just as well really, as the road he decided to travel with me has not been the smoothest!

Now though, I'm finally getting there. I look forward to simple things, like getting a dvd and cuddling up on the couch, going for a walk on a Saturday morning, taking my daughter to the panto where we can laugh at the jokes that go over the kids heads, talking about holidays we'd like to go on, jumping in the car and going somewhere at the weekends (I've never travelled so much in my life!) and just effortlessly enjoying each others company.

We've also had arguments, which was all new to me, but I realised that we were actually being completely open with each other and not being afraid to vent it. I'm not saying I enjoyed it as such, but I enjoyed the freedom of saying exactly what I felt without feeling it would be stored up to be used against me at a later date. This has only happened twice but I reckon we are stronger for it.

I can categorically no longer deny that I am in love with this man.

I didn't think I'd get to this point again, and I put up so many barriers I was pretty sure no one could break through them anyway, but he has. He should get a medal for that achievement alone! He also gets on like a house on fire with my daughter, they tease each other mercilessly, they joke together (quite often aimed I me I may add) and he has strong family values.

My only wish now is that we some day soon get the freedom my ex enjoys. My marital home has still not sold, I am still living there and am unable to move without releasing it's ever decreasing equity, and in todays market it's unlikely to sell soon. Until it does we're kind of stuck in this limbo of wanting to move on to the next stage in our relationship but still stuck in the dating stage (not a bad thing in some ways hehe). So this week the big clearout has begun to try to sell the house. All personal photo's have been taken down, all unnecessary things have begun to be stored or thrown out and much to her annoyance my daughter's very childlike bedroom will soon be a might more sophisticated.

I know it's cliche but this is a New Year and I really do want it to be a new start for all of us. I am hoping that our determination (not desperation) will have the desired effect and our positivity will brush off onto potential purchasers. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that before the year is out I'll be going 'knock knock' on a new front door:-)

Christianity

It's been a while I know but I thought I'd kick of April with a religious post not just due to Easter but because I have been having a wee debate with a member of my family who is a devout Christian.He is young,doesn't preach,but does believe that those who do not become Christians will not go to Heaven. This is a little of what I've said to him then I promise I shall go back to discussing Corrie or Eastenders and what my love life is like at the moment. He just stirred a bit of something in me that I didn't actually know was there, so bear with me.
Part of me would love to have connection with the church ,deep down i actually do have faith but it has been tainted with a negative vision not of Christianity itself, but of the inherant faults in human nature and the distorted view that some have of the Church and what it means.
My Grandmother was a prime example. She not only was an extremely active member of the church but also of Eastern star,my Grandfather was a Mason,as was my Father.My family as a whole came from all creeds,protestant and catholic, but if any other faith or colour of person was mentioned in front of them it was met with bigotted reaction.
My Grandmother used to visit friends from the church regularly yet on her return would proceed to put down their personal lives,appearances or that of the inside of their homes,despite preaching to us how good a person she was because she went to church.I know from my dealings with the church since being a child (I also attended Girls Brigade up until I was 15) that this is not uncommon.In some ways it's goodness by association.I guess what I'm trying to say that Yes I could attend Church and declare myself Christian but I can get as much faith and understanding as I need simply by following what is written in the bible and my own sense of what life is all about. I feel sorry for people who live empty, shallow lives,with no thought for anyone but themselves and where they are going to get their next bout of excitement from, and I hope that they find what I have one day. I have self respect and respect for others,I have a lot of love in my heart,I have charity, I have forgiveness (although having your heart broken makes this process longer,but I'll get there)I have the unconditional love of being a mother and the life experiences to make me realise what is important.I don't believe that I'll go to hell simply by not being a member of a church, as I believe that all good people will be accepted to wherever we go when our bodies have expired,as long as they have followed the simple rules that the bible set out. Lets face it hypothetically. A child is born on an island in the middle of nowhere,the only person with him is his mother. There is no minister or priest and no Churches but his mother teaches him the common senses of right and wrong,of respect for his surroundings and the animals on the island. She teaches him not to be greedy or their sustainence will run out, she teaches him that in order to survive they must be active,that they must keep their home clean and tidy and free from bugs that could cause disease, she teaches him to be clean to stave off infections,she teaches him that although they sometimes have to kill an animal to survive that it should be done in a humane manner to ease any suffering of that animal,she teaches him that when she gets old and unable to do all she did before that he helps her and becomes a responsible and compassionate human being. Now will that boy be accepted in Heaven?xx

words are not enough

It seems these days I have a lot going on in my life, with less and less time for blogging. This is in some ways a good thing because I have always tended to blog when in some sort of emotional turmoil and felt the need for either help, or just a place to vent uninterrupted. Or sometimes its when I want people to maybe pause and think of however bad their circumstances,they should actually appreciate what they have around them. This week is one of those times.

You see ,this week one of my daughter's school friends died. She was 9 years old.

There was no warning, she left for school in the morning and just before her swimming lesson in the afternoon, she collapsed and never regained consciousness.

There is nothing anyone can say that will help ease the pain of her parents and it is unimaginable to me what they must be going through. The last thing any of us expect is to send our child to school in the morning and for them not to come home.My heart goes out to them and their family, and to the children and teachers of the school.
It has started to sink in with the children that their friend isn't coming back to play and all we can do is be there to help them understand, even though we can barely do that ourselves.

Life is precious and beautiful but can turn in an instant and be viciously cruel and unfair. We never know what's in store for us, and we can plan as best we can but I for one will appreciate everything I have good and bad that bit more and be thankful of that opportunity.

Christmas is coming and.......

I am wanting to get fat!!! please put some curry in this young at heart girls hat!!

Well maybe not in my hat, but on a plate with a naan bread would be perfectly acceptable. For those of you who don't know, for the last couple of years I have not only been going through a particularly traumatic marriage break up but also I was diagnosed with an allergy to salicylate. In laymans terms it's an allergy to the same substance that aspirin is a derivative of but which encompases all the foods that contain this natural insectiside found in most plants,fruits and vegetables.
The main reaction to this allergy is asthma.
The good news is that new research being conducted (of which I am a guinea pig!) has shown that by cutting out foods in the diet containing salicylates and introducing tiny controlled doses of a specific type of aspririn, that gradually you can detox your body and then reintroduce those foods back into the diet. Good news for me is ......... my reintroduction time has come!!
I am allowed.... after several tests at hospital in London on Wednesday....to GRADUALLY try bringing some of those foods back ino my diet.
I know you may not think this is a big deal, but just for a second think of how many things contain derivatives of plants, fruit and veg as well as the obvious fruits and veg you can buy as whole entities.
The things I've missed the most are things like tea (one of the highest on my list of no no's due to the dried tea leaves),curry (herbs and spices are extremely high in salicylate),italian food (tomatoes and herbs)fruit juice,peanut butter (Yes I love it on toast) and the luxury of just being able to eat a piece of the carrot I'm chopping for my daughter's dinner!
The only plus point of this condition is that I've had the figure of an 18year old for the past year but only due to an extremely restrictive boring,bland diet. So, where do I start?
I have to still be cautious,the doctors are still learning about this condition and I cannot risk overloading my system after my dedication of the last 18months, but I can't wait to at long last be able to enjoy my food once more and have a little bit of flavour back in my life (imagine soup without stock) So bring on the cranberry sauce and merry Christmas to you all xx

Blimey

Didn't realise it had been so long since I had been here!! Shit, where does time go?!

Safe to say the past 6weeks has gone by in a blur of holidays, excitement, disappointment for me and feelings of rejection for my daughter, climbing back up yet again and at long last some feelings of contentment creeping back in to my life.
First of all me and BF had a brilliant time in good old Bruxelles with my lovely niece the Drama Queen herself. As is to be expected there were drama's which at the time were not that funny but shortly after were being laughed about. Firstly BF's luggage went missing at Charleroi! We were only in Brussels for 4 full days and he spent 2 of those waiting for his suitcase, which for some reason had went to Italy?? It arrived back the same night we arrived in Brussels, but in the inimitable style of the Capital of beurocracy it was against their policy to have it sent the next day to the apartment. Apparently the courier's required a full 24hours notice of despatch. Never mind, the positive side was that he got £100 to spend on new clothes from the insurance company while we waited.
We wandered happily round the city shops in the meantime, drank too many espresso's, too much Belgian 'bierre brun', spent too much on overpriced chocolate (I dispute it WAS worth it),met up with workfriends of BF, bought a diamond necklace in Antwerp (of which I know I got a total bargain after spending 17years in the trade) I think the trader got a little worried when I asked for a loupe (eyeglass) to examine the stones, got cooked a lovely dinner by my freshly domesticated niece and surprised myself with how much O'level french I remembered.
On the last day drama number 2! We managed to,after packing all our stuff and heading out for lunch, to shut the apartment door behind us before removing the spare key from the inside! Resulting in us being locked out!! After debating on what to do and several panicky calls to nieces BF,it was decided that my Bf would climb up the convenient scaffolding to the second floor window of the apartment and attempt to open the window. No such luck. He scaled it like spiderman, but found the windows securely locked. The only solution we decided,was to break the door. So while niece and BF went off to look for a suitable implement to do the job, I decided to have one last bash at getting in using the tried and tested film technique (I've seen it dozens of times in the movies so it must be true!) of using my credit card to open the door.
I couldn't believe that on my first attempt, in the time it took for niece and BF to go down 1 flight of steps, the door clicked and flew open!!. This, I reckon, only happened because the door wasn't actually locked and I shan't be looking to change careers to a cat burglar.Relief all round though and we had a nice lunch before heading back to reality.
Boy what a reality it was!!
On arriving back home and just 1 week before the house move, with all our belongings packed and furniture we couldn't fit in having been sold,and with mini me changed schools, my purchasers CHANGED THEIR MINDS!!
Un-bloody-believable!! I've said it before and I'll say it again, the house buying policy in this bloody country must change. This is not game playing this is peoples lives, emotions and those of our children that are treated like buying a packet of crisps. We lost the house we were buying and have had to back to square one yet again. I lost money I can ill afford and had to face the thought of spending yet another Christmas in the marital home. I was so looking forward to starting afresh in my own home with my own furniture and creating a whole new set of memories. I spent a few days of tearful conversations with BF, family and friends before pulling myself back up and looking on the positive that at least we still have a home and it never happened a few hours before (which I have heard of). It is tiring though having to constantly pull myself up after being knocked down and my health recently has suffered as a result. I am sticking it out though, the Bastards won't grind me down.
Talking of Bastards, my ex has done a little bit of disappointing on his own and I have a feeling it's the start of things to come. He promised mini me ( and this was his idea on her request) that he would come round on Christmas morning and be there when she opened her presents. Now he is not who I want to spend my Christmas morning with, but it's not about me or him, this is for mini me so I happily agreed it would be nice for her for both of her parents to be with her. Cue a few weeks later.
He calls and says plans have changed and he will now be seeing mini me up until the afternoon of Christmas eve, dropping her off and spending Christmas day with the other woman and her parents. Now I can cope with that but mini me, well she's a child who's been promised the most important day of a child's year,and all she sees is that her Dad has chosen not to spend it with her.
She was devastated and despite me trying to tell him the effect this will have long term, the situation has not changed. She has said she will never ever forget this (and she wont). He then made it even worse. Every Christmas eve since she has been very young,the 2 of them have gone to the cinema together to see a kids movie of her choice. I saw no reason for this to change and indeed thought it would be one nice thing for them to always have. How wrong was I. He turned round and despite the fact that he has her on Christmas eve until the afternoon, he's told her things are different now and they wont be going any more!Talk about rubbing salt in her already very open wounds. This is a tradition in her eyes, and one that has never involved me (I've always been working on Christmas Eve)I'd love to get inside his head and discover his logic.But you know what I'd rather not.
I want to fix this for her but I cant, it's out of my hands and all I can do is be there for her and make this a good Christmas, one where she will realise that despite all that's happened she's loved and not rejected and is the most important person to me and that I shall be the constant in her life. Her father does love her but things have changed and he has changed. He thinks he knows the right way to do things but he is human and makes mistakes, I just hope he realises before it's too late that there are only so many you can make before you cant be forgiven any more.

She came up with her own solution to one aspect. She wants to start a new tradition with me and BF,in that we all go to the cinema together on Christmas Eve seeing as I now only work during term time. I happily agreed as did BF. You know what, maybe this is the start of our new family, new traditions and despite my openness to involving the ex and the opportunities he has to still be a huge part of her life, maybe he has chosen to do the same.

I need a vodka and make it a large one!

Today I found our wedding congratulations cards, a leaflet from the little fish restaurant we found on our honeymoon in Sorrento, and a book of matches from our favourite chinese where he proposed on my birthday 13 years ago. My birthday is next weekend,our wedding anniversary is the week after.
Today I shed some tears, then I packed those things up and moved on to the next cupboard.

Junk

Right, as you know I am in the process of moving house (hence the somewhat intermittent posting)and I have decided that, after discovering I am not alone,I am going to come out of the closet..............................No not that closet!.........in fact it's not really a closet, it's a drawer!

I've never admitted this to anyone.I give the appearance of being a reasonably tidy person. I don't have ornaments (they gather dust and are pointless unless made by my daughter),I file my bank statements, and I always make my bed when I get up in the morning but i have a secret drawer of......................complete and utterly useless bits of crap. There I've said it. Now are there steps to follow to gain enlightenment and release myself from this millstone?

In my drawer of crap there were- Birthday candles in various states of uselessness,picture hooks,keyrings x 2,several wine bottle corks, screws of varying size, takeaway menu's from about 6 years ago,3 erasers,2 books of matches,1 broken wine bottle pourer,1 vodka shot pourer (I see a pattern here hmmmm)3 pens (none of which worked),2 decks of cards (1unopened), countless receipts for nothing of any relevance and several of them were older than 2years,several hotel sewing kits (I don't sew)an OPEN box of drawing pins (which I discovered when I put my hand to the back of the drawer) and several bent drinking straws which were no use to man nor beast.
Do you have a drawer like this at home? And if you do I can tell you the best way to deal with it.
Take one large black bin liner.
Open said bin liner.
Take the drawer off it's runners.
Hold the drawer and the bin liner to each other.
TIP THE CRAP IN THE BIN

The next step is THE most important part.

Take the now full bin,tie it's handle and take it outside to the garbage immediately!Do not look inside the bag and never ever be tempted to retrieve any of those lifesaving things that you've depended on for as long as you can remember.

What's in your crap drawer?

ps I confess I kept the vodka shot pourer,but hey sometimes going cold turkey getting rid of the crap means you need a drink to recover!

Yo Yo

WARNING- Yo yoing of emotions will be prevalent over the next few weeks,this blog may get tedious and self pitying,quickly followed by moments of elation and joy please bear with me.
*********************************************************

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!

Why do I make such a complete and utter tit of myself? Why can't I just hold things in? Why do I have to wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see and steal? Why do I have to wait until things go wrong before I can see there was a problem to be fixed? Why am I so harsh on myself? Why do I expect so much from myself? Why do I set myself time limits on things and get upset when I don't make it? Why do I cry so bloody much? Why do I feel like people are looking at me like I'm an alien being who looks the part but is obviously not of the same species? Why do I seek approval from my father even though I know I'll never be able to bond emotionally with him?Why am I nearly 36 and still getting the same things so spectacularly wrong? Why do I trust so easily? Why do I hurt so easily? Why do I still talk as if I'm on my own in life even though my boyfriend is by my side?Why am I feeling sorry for myself tonight and spilling this out?


Answer: Because I'm me,I'm not flawless.

I still have a lot to learn. I'm realising now that all the insecurities I had growing up are still there,I haven't changed that much I've just learned how to get on as best I can. I was the picked on ginger kid at school, I felt insecure,unaccepted,weak and feeble. Solution now is that I put on some make-up,some nice clothes and I pretend I'm confident. Inside I'm still the insecure,awkward girl but now I'm more socially acceptable.
I'm only ranting now because I've been packing some things up from my house and I'm feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself and a bit like that kid at school. I knew this would be tough, but I must admit it's absolutely bloody shit and without this blog here to take some of the flack,I reckon the men in the white van would be on their way right now.
My daughter is off with her dad tomorrow to go to his girlfriend's parents.They have horses and chickens and all the other things that kids love. I'm being the considerate Mum and packing her wellies and her waterproofs and making sure she wears a riding hat.

Inside I'm screaming and now that she's gone to bed I'm crying.I thank god I've only got a few more weeks in this house because as far as endurance tests go, I'm near my limit

I'm angry because he left all this devastation and I'm the one sweeping up behind him,I'm the one having to heal our daughter,I'm the one having to pack OUR things,I'm the one who has to start again.

Inside I'm screaming

Times they are a' changin

Well just to add a little cheer to my somewhat emotional of late blog,I have at long last (and fingers crossed it wont fall through) sold my house!!! The moment was a humongous melting pot of joy, of at last being able to properly start getting on with my life and a realisation of finality of the end of an era. I am glad to say though that the joy reigns supreme. The feelings tied up in this house have been tolerated through necessity and the weight that is about to be lifted would be enough to sink a small ship.
I figure that if I can get through the last year, and the next few weeks of facing all my memories whilst packing, then I'm fit to conquer anything!! There will be a lot of changes not just for me but for my daughter. She has lived a very comfortable life materially speaking,and is about to learn that not everything she has now just appears from nowhere. Her reaction when I told her that when we move the sky plus TV will be no more,was one of complete horror,but I think it will be the best thing for her.
She has never been a precocious child,nor been given everything she wants but she has maybe not understood before that all the things she takes for granted come at a cost and it will be sharp learning curve for her, but one I believe will make her a better person more appreciative of her surroundings.
The other good news is that 3days later I found a lovely little house for us! It's been fully refurbished and even better- It's VACANT. The buyers who have bought our house have no chain either so this really couldn't be a better scenario.So it looks like in the next 8weeks I will be moved on and starting afresh. It's been a long hard slog to get this far without going completely off my trolley but I've had love and support from my family (and I'm including my ex's family in this who've been a great support to me especially my mother and father-in-law and of course my drama queen niece) and of course over the last few months my bf who has been a pillar of strength. He's had so much to contend with from me what with my wounded spirit but the sticking plasters I was held together with are finally falling away to reveal a lovely new layer of resilience.

Bear with me

So many things have happened over the last few weeks I'm struggling to condense it into words so you'll have to bear with any rambling or emotional outburst's with me along the way I'm afraid.I figure if I apologise upfront you may let me off.Think it may have to take a few posts to cover it.

Here goes for probably the most significant development,which I knew would happen sooner or later. My ex has finally and thankfully admitted that he is with the woman who he had an affair with. He's been trying for the last few weeks to get me to say I have a boyfriend (who may I add has been a godsend) obviously because it would then make it easier for him to get the words out,but I held off for a little bit longer,not out of spite, but purely because I wanted mine and boyfriends little spell of idyllic privacy to go on for just a bit longer,and my hurt to stay suppressed.

Anyway,ex came over to pick up mini me and we had a few things to talk over about the never ending house saga (starting to think I'll still be here at christmas) and a certain business issue I have (a whole other post!)which he's helping me with, he made a few references to what my 'Special friend' thought of things. I told him he was of the same opinion as ex was and is also supporting me. I then asked him what his 'special friend' thought,and he said he hadn't discussed it with her yet. So there we are both skirting round things, so I plucked up a little courage and asked him if his girlfriend was who I thought she was.He replied 'yes,but it's not been going on as long as you think it has'
There, the words were out and I was still alive, just!
I know exactly how long this has been going on and unbeknown to ex, I had openly discussed it with his Mum and told her that I expected him to do as follows:

1. Deny he was having a relationship with her when we were together - check
2.Say that it was over anyway - check
3. Leave a gap of several months saying he was having some time alone and wasn't ready for a relationship - check
4.After several months they would just hapen to decide that they were inextricably drawn together but wanted to take it easy and see what happens - check

The last part is the most ridiculous unless taking your new girlfriend to meet the parents and bringing 'our' best friends down to your new bachelor pad to introduce her to them is taking it slow? Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but my so called friends were disgusted with his behaviour and hers,but now it looks like they'll all be bosom buddies,yippee.
But hey you know what,I reckon I'm allowed a little rant.This is the man who would not own up to an affair but instead I had to find out about it by receiving his and hers holiday flight tickets through my door (which he'd booked for the day after our tenth wedding anniversary!Our tenth wedding anniversary,which was supposed to be being spent in Vegas renewing our wedding vows and had been booked just a few months previously)
So there I am sitting there, trying to keep myself composed when he drops in this clanger, 'I know you probably don't want to hear this but she's a really nice person'
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man has no idea that he's ripped my heart out,torn it into a million pieces and is now proceeding to rub my own face in it.
But, and this is such a BIG but, I don't know how I pulled it off,I sat there and said to him I would be the bigger person and accept this and that as she was obviously going to be a part of my daughter's life,I want them to spend a bit of time together to get to know one another.

Inside my very soul is tearing in two,I feel like my life has been stolen,but I have to move on. I have to.I have to. I have to.

There is more to tell from that day and I feel I am sacrificing my very being by what I did but hey,life isn't bloody easy is it,love can give you the greatest joy and it can tear you apart,I'm just trying to do the right thing for my child,I'll have my private moments of grief that she'll never get to see.But I will never poison her head and will bring her up to respect others and have the moral standards that others seem to have misplaced.
I have the love,support,patience and understanding of BF.I told him that,emotionally, the next few months will be hard for me,packing all my memories and dreams into cardboard boxes will no doubt bring it's tears but I'm hoping that when I finally get out of this permanent daily reminder of my marital home and the pain of the last year, I will at last be able to put the demons to rest.

here and gone again

Just a quick note to say I've been on holiday hence the absence, but now I need a bit of a sabatical as certain things going on at the mo that require my full attention and emotional strength. To be honest,I don't know if I have any of that left,but I'll try. I'll also try and vent about it soon cos I'm sure it may help, I just have to sort out the grey matter first. xx

BOOOOZE

You must forgive any spelling mistakes,bad grammar (well,more than usual anyway) poor content and self pity this week. I have been severely visited by the hangover fairy. She waved her wand over my head on Friday night and continued her evil magic on Saturday. I now have a faceful of spots, bags under my eyes like an overfilled potato sack and reckon I may have easily have gained a few pounds.
All my own fault, as I never found the inner strength to resist the fact that there was more than one bottle of wine in my house on Friday night. This was thanks to a lovely visit from Drama Queen's BF (my home is their home)who was passing on his wee visit to the UK. My BF also came over as we'd decided to make a little night of it by having some nice grub followed by a visit to our local. We had the grub (home made Lasagne and garlic ciabatta with Italian salad) but because everyone had bought wine we decided to drink some of that before the pub. We never made it!
BF had also brought some lager with him so after a few glasses of wine for him and then going onto lager,that left me and DQ's BF with the wine. BIG MISTAKE!! I am not proud of this (least of all for the fact I'm not even meant to drink wine) but we got through 3 bottles of red ( a nice chianti,cabernet sauvignon and a lovely fruity beaujolais)Once they'd gone it was discovered that there was also a bottle of chardonnay in the fridge, so we got through half of that as well. The choices being made on my Ipod after that were definitely ecclectic to say the least.
I am not a big drinker and, because of mini me, am generally a responsible adult (honest) but the conversation was flowing,mini me was at her Dad's and for some reason it seemed like a great idea at the time.
I take great comfort in the fact that I was definitely not the only one worse for wear,however remind me never ever to do that the day before I am scheduled in to take mini me and 10 (YES 10!) of her friends to McDonalds and then the cinema!! I may have to go one step further though and just say remind me never to take 11 children to McDonalds and then the cinema even if I was well.

Expand your horizons

As you may have noticed, I have been rather preoccupied with BF recently, and the whole getting used to being in a new relationship thingy. This has given me less time to peruse the wonderful and not so wonderful blogland, so this week I've decided that it might be a good idea to give myself a task to go and find one new blog a week for the next month that I really enjoy reading and then spreading the word of said new blog (after all we all love to be noticed in some way don't we)
Obviously this will be my taste that I enjoy for one reason or another.It may make me laugh,it may make me think (harder task than making me laugh believe me!),it may make me cry or ponder why on earth we feel the need to do this in the first place,and it may be completely bizarre (like the one I found the other day linked to my blog because I mentioned the word 'Shirt' once?) This is a purely self indulgent project but it goes back to the subject brought up by Drama Queen about lurkers. Those people who visit but never comment. So if you choose to visit the blogs I've found please feel free to leave one.

It's very easy just to keep visiting the same blog's all the time,as once we've found our little niche it's easier to stay there. Then there's the restriction of time, it would take us forever to go trawling through searching out new reading material and keeping up with them,so I'm volunteering to do some of the running around for you.Go on expand your horizons! And if you really cant be arsed look on my sidebar and see if there's anyone there you haven't seen before and go visit. My first blog I've found that I like (and have linked) is All in a days work!! and todays post is about if we had a vitual boyfriend what would we make him do. I can think of a few things for that one!

getting to know me

My last post about mine and BF's weekend away seemed to prompt more queries about our 1st minor spat than the nerve wracking experience of me meeting his Mum and Son for the first time. Oh the voyeuristic nature of humans eh. But I couldn't not let you know about this weekend as it was as much me getting to know myself as it was BF getting to know me.
This weekend he went on a stag weekend to Prague. I sent him off with best wishes for a safe journey and an enjoyable drunken weekend,whilst at the same time looking forward to a girly weekend of TV,bubble baths and self indulgence.
I figured I would miss him,a lot,but I also figured I may actually look forward to a weekend of not having to make sure I'd shaved my legs and carefully applied my make up to look like I wasn't wearing any even though I know he doesn't care if I am or not (I think it's nice to make a bit of effort!)What I didn't bank on was learning exactly how damaged I am and how he was put on this earth to guide me by the hand through the demons.
It all started fine,and I know what happens on Stag do's,I'm not naive,I just never particularly cared to hear about them.Thing is though BF didn't know this and on the Saturday night,being the honest boy that he is and thinking I'd find it funny,proceeded to text me to tell me how they'd all chipped in to get the Groom a dance at a strip club. Cue me,not laughing, as I would have expected myself to in a previous life,but panicking and sobbing and getting myself unbelievably worked up.
You see the moment he told me, I had visions of him,watching this girl who he doesn't know,dancing close, naked,enjoying it and laughing.It took me straight back to the haunting visions I lived with day and night when I knew my then husband was sleeping with someone else but had no proof.He'd deny it,he'd sleep with me, but I knew.If the person you love does that to you it tears you apart.At that time your brain never stops the nightmares of those visions of them together,touching,kissing,whispering intimacies to each other and you feel like you're being laughed at,made a mockery of and generally you're self esteem vanishes.It all flooded into my head. I felt weak,insecure and needy and more upset than I would have ever thought.I shocked myself.
I replied that I'd rather not hear about it and kept my message light as I didn't want give in to this insecure side of me bursting through the surface of calm I've had for the last couple of months. But I never ended my message with a kiss and immediately gave myself away.He knew I was upset,he tried to call,I couldn't speak for fear of saying the wrong thing,he tried again,twice,I switched the phone off to compose myself.I then sent him a message explaining how what he had just said and done made me feel and the reason why.He replied,he was devastated he'd upset me, he understood exactly, and me not answering my phone had made him feel like his world was collapsing around him,he spent the next few hours calling me to make sure I was ok and reassuring me.He never got drunk that night.
I then got worried that I'd spoiled his weekend,but this was quickly dispelled by him telling me that it hadn't been spoiled,he'd just learned a bit more about me,how much I'd been put through and how much it had affected me and that he wants to help repair the damage.
Up until that point I thought the only major hurdle I'd had to get over was that of getting over my ex,but it's not.I'm over him, but the after effects of what he did will be with me for a long time to come,the feelings of inadequacy,being disrespected,unwanted,unloved,all those things which get buried in the quagmire of daily existence are just sitting there waiting for their chance to escape into your psyche and make you doubt yourself.
I was as shocked by my reaction, as he was to how upsetting me made him feel.He's not the only one learning about me,I am learning too,about the new me and all that she comes with.
I know he respects me,I know he's proud of me,I know he wants me and yes I know he loves me,but who said these feelings of doubt were rational.It'll take time,understanding and it'll take love,he wants to help repair the damage and just by his reassuring words I feel that his wish has already begun to work.

tantrums and tiaras

After having a long spell of my life as a married person you'd reckon on the fact that I'd had a fair few disagreements with my husband in that time. Truth be told though that we never did. Even when we split up (save for the day the plane tickets for him and his bit on the side plopped through my door by mistake)we have stayed reasonably amicable and argument free. I have in the past though had inkling of things bubbling away under the surface of both me and him that were, rightly or wrongly,ignored for a peaceful existence.
This weekend however BF and I went away for a weekend of fun and also to introduce me to some of his family, and promptly had our first argument! I shant go into what it was about as it is irrelevant but insecurities on both our halves may well have come into play, as well as a more than generous helping of alcohol. The thing is though after we'd both calmed each of our viewpoints were put across, we listened to each other, we looked at how we came across to each other, we understood and we learned a little more about who we are. We were both completely honest with how we felt and I, for one,learned that just because we fall out about something it is not the death knell of a relationship,far from it. In fact I do believe that unless we honestly iron out any issues we have with each other then those little creases may well become whopping great holes.
Our disagreement was small but not insignificant to him or me.For a change, I didn't just agree with what was said (as in previous relationships), I stood up for and was honest about myself.He did the same and we now know a little more about what makes each other tick and what makes us ticked off, which can only be a good thing.

Now the whole point of this weekend was to meet BF's Mum and son! I wasn't too nervous about meeting his Mum as I've never had a problem chatting to anyone in my own age group and above. Teenagers though are a completely different kettle 'o' fish and especially teenage boys!
His Mum, as I thought was easy to get along with and pretty close to how I imagined her to be. She was chatty,amiable and had a very friendly face.She's also promised to show me lots of embarassing photo's so instantly has earned my respect.
His son was also exactly as I thought, a boy of few words (my little brother is not long out of this stage but still has some of the traits) But also I can tell he will do well.He was intelligent and seemed to know what he wants out of life in some respects (we cant possibly know enough at the tender age of 16 after all, no matter how much we think we do)He wants to go to University and carry on his love of business studies, and at his age wanting to carry on learning can only be a good thing. He wants to get a job over the summer so is not work shy. Talking easily will be a thing that will come to him and me as we get to know each other a bit more,of that I have no doubt, but all in all I think I did ok and apparently he said I was nice when I left him and his Dad alone for a bit, so I guess in teenage speak I passed.
I for one though am glad that bit is over with as I'd forgotten just how nerve wracking the initial meeting can be, even at my age when I'm supposed to be all grown up and self assured.Maybe someone would like to tell that to my resident butterflies, which I'd thought had flown the Phoenix nest a long time ago.

How weird is this!!

Saw this on Just a Girl's blog,go on you know you want to!

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