BOOOOZE

You must forgive any spelling mistakes,bad grammar (well,more than usual anyway) poor content and self pity this week. I have been severely visited by the hangover fairy. She waved her wand over my head on Friday night and continued her evil magic on Saturday. I now have a faceful of spots, bags under my eyes like an overfilled potato sack and reckon I may have easily have gained a few pounds.
All my own fault, as I never found the inner strength to resist the fact that there was more than one bottle of wine in my house on Friday night. This was thanks to a lovely visit from Drama Queen's BF (my home is their home)who was passing on his wee visit to the UK. My BF also came over as we'd decided to make a little night of it by having some nice grub followed by a visit to our local. We had the grub (home made Lasagne and garlic ciabatta with Italian salad) but because everyone had bought wine we decided to drink some of that before the pub. We never made it!
BF had also brought some lager with him so after a few glasses of wine for him and then going onto lager,that left me and DQ's BF with the wine. BIG MISTAKE!! I am not proud of this (least of all for the fact I'm not even meant to drink wine) but we got through 3 bottles of red ( a nice chianti,cabernet sauvignon and a lovely fruity beaujolais)Once they'd gone it was discovered that there was also a bottle of chardonnay in the fridge, so we got through half of that as well. The choices being made on my Ipod after that were definitely ecclectic to say the least.
I am not a big drinker and, because of mini me, am generally a responsible adult (honest) but the conversation was flowing,mini me was at her Dad's and for some reason it seemed like a great idea at the time.
I take great comfort in the fact that I was definitely not the only one worse for wear,however remind me never ever to do that the day before I am scheduled in to take mini me and 10 (YES 10!) of her friends to McDonalds and then the cinema!! I may have to go one step further though and just say remind me never to take 11 children to McDonalds and then the cinema even if I was well.

Expand your horizons

As you may have noticed, I have been rather preoccupied with BF recently, and the whole getting used to being in a new relationship thingy. This has given me less time to peruse the wonderful and not so wonderful blogland, so this week I've decided that it might be a good idea to give myself a task to go and find one new blog a week for the next month that I really enjoy reading and then spreading the word of said new blog (after all we all love to be noticed in some way don't we)
Obviously this will be my taste that I enjoy for one reason or another.It may make me laugh,it may make me think (harder task than making me laugh believe me!),it may make me cry or ponder why on earth we feel the need to do this in the first place,and it may be completely bizarre (like the one I found the other day linked to my blog because I mentioned the word 'Shirt' once?) This is a purely self indulgent project but it goes back to the subject brought up by Drama Queen about lurkers. Those people who visit but never comment. So if you choose to visit the blogs I've found please feel free to leave one.

It's very easy just to keep visiting the same blog's all the time,as once we've found our little niche it's easier to stay there. Then there's the restriction of time, it would take us forever to go trawling through searching out new reading material and keeping up with them,so I'm volunteering to do some of the running around for you.Go on expand your horizons! And if you really cant be arsed look on my sidebar and see if there's anyone there you haven't seen before and go visit. My first blog I've found that I like (and have linked) is All in a days work!! and todays post is about if we had a vitual boyfriend what would we make him do. I can think of a few things for that one!

getting to know me

My last post about mine and BF's weekend away seemed to prompt more queries about our 1st minor spat than the nerve wracking experience of me meeting his Mum and Son for the first time. Oh the voyeuristic nature of humans eh. But I couldn't not let you know about this weekend as it was as much me getting to know myself as it was BF getting to know me.
This weekend he went on a stag weekend to Prague. I sent him off with best wishes for a safe journey and an enjoyable drunken weekend,whilst at the same time looking forward to a girly weekend of TV,bubble baths and self indulgence.
I figured I would miss him,a lot,but I also figured I may actually look forward to a weekend of not having to make sure I'd shaved my legs and carefully applied my make up to look like I wasn't wearing any even though I know he doesn't care if I am or not (I think it's nice to make a bit of effort!)What I didn't bank on was learning exactly how damaged I am and how he was put on this earth to guide me by the hand through the demons.
It all started fine,and I know what happens on Stag do's,I'm not naive,I just never particularly cared to hear about them.Thing is though BF didn't know this and on the Saturday night,being the honest boy that he is and thinking I'd find it funny,proceeded to text me to tell me how they'd all chipped in to get the Groom a dance at a strip club. Cue me,not laughing, as I would have expected myself to in a previous life,but panicking and sobbing and getting myself unbelievably worked up.
You see the moment he told me, I had visions of him,watching this girl who he doesn't know,dancing close, naked,enjoying it and laughing.It took me straight back to the haunting visions I lived with day and night when I knew my then husband was sleeping with someone else but had no proof.He'd deny it,he'd sleep with me, but I knew.If the person you love does that to you it tears you apart.At that time your brain never stops the nightmares of those visions of them together,touching,kissing,whispering intimacies to each other and you feel like you're being laughed at,made a mockery of and generally you're self esteem vanishes.It all flooded into my head. I felt weak,insecure and needy and more upset than I would have ever thought.I shocked myself.
I replied that I'd rather not hear about it and kept my message light as I didn't want give in to this insecure side of me bursting through the surface of calm I've had for the last couple of months. But I never ended my message with a kiss and immediately gave myself away.He knew I was upset,he tried to call,I couldn't speak for fear of saying the wrong thing,he tried again,twice,I switched the phone off to compose myself.I then sent him a message explaining how what he had just said and done made me feel and the reason why.He replied,he was devastated he'd upset me, he understood exactly, and me not answering my phone had made him feel like his world was collapsing around him,he spent the next few hours calling me to make sure I was ok and reassuring me.He never got drunk that night.
I then got worried that I'd spoiled his weekend,but this was quickly dispelled by him telling me that it hadn't been spoiled,he'd just learned a bit more about me,how much I'd been put through and how much it had affected me and that he wants to help repair the damage.
Up until that point I thought the only major hurdle I'd had to get over was that of getting over my ex,but it's not.I'm over him, but the after effects of what he did will be with me for a long time to come,the feelings of inadequacy,being disrespected,unwanted,unloved,all those things which get buried in the quagmire of daily existence are just sitting there waiting for their chance to escape into your psyche and make you doubt yourself.
I was as shocked by my reaction, as he was to how upsetting me made him feel.He's not the only one learning about me,I am learning too,about the new me and all that she comes with.
I know he respects me,I know he's proud of me,I know he wants me and yes I know he loves me,but who said these feelings of doubt were rational.It'll take time,understanding and it'll take love,he wants to help repair the damage and just by his reassuring words I feel that his wish has already begun to work.

tantrums and tiaras

After having a long spell of my life as a married person you'd reckon on the fact that I'd had a fair few disagreements with my husband in that time. Truth be told though that we never did. Even when we split up (save for the day the plane tickets for him and his bit on the side plopped through my door by mistake)we have stayed reasonably amicable and argument free. I have in the past though had inkling of things bubbling away under the surface of both me and him that were, rightly or wrongly,ignored for a peaceful existence.
This weekend however BF and I went away for a weekend of fun and also to introduce me to some of his family, and promptly had our first argument! I shant go into what it was about as it is irrelevant but insecurities on both our halves may well have come into play, as well as a more than generous helping of alcohol. The thing is though after we'd both calmed each of our viewpoints were put across, we listened to each other, we looked at how we came across to each other, we understood and we learned a little more about who we are. We were both completely honest with how we felt and I, for one,learned that just because we fall out about something it is not the death knell of a relationship,far from it. In fact I do believe that unless we honestly iron out any issues we have with each other then those little creases may well become whopping great holes.
Our disagreement was small but not insignificant to him or me.For a change, I didn't just agree with what was said (as in previous relationships), I stood up for and was honest about myself.He did the same and we now know a little more about what makes each other tick and what makes us ticked off, which can only be a good thing.

Now the whole point of this weekend was to meet BF's Mum and son! I wasn't too nervous about meeting his Mum as I've never had a problem chatting to anyone in my own age group and above. Teenagers though are a completely different kettle 'o' fish and especially teenage boys!
His Mum, as I thought was easy to get along with and pretty close to how I imagined her to be. She was chatty,amiable and had a very friendly face.She's also promised to show me lots of embarassing photo's so instantly has earned my respect.
His son was also exactly as I thought, a boy of few words (my little brother is not long out of this stage but still has some of the traits) But also I can tell he will do well.He was intelligent and seemed to know what he wants out of life in some respects (we cant possibly know enough at the tender age of 16 after all, no matter how much we think we do)He wants to go to University and carry on his love of business studies, and at his age wanting to carry on learning can only be a good thing. He wants to get a job over the summer so is not work shy. Talking easily will be a thing that will come to him and me as we get to know each other a bit more,of that I have no doubt, but all in all I think I did ok and apparently he said I was nice when I left him and his Dad alone for a bit, so I guess in teenage speak I passed.
I for one though am glad that bit is over with as I'd forgotten just how nerve wracking the initial meeting can be, even at my age when I'm supposed to be all grown up and self assured.Maybe someone would like to tell that to my resident butterflies, which I'd thought had flown the Phoenix nest a long time ago.

How weird is this!!

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weekends and rain

The impromptu weekends are always the best! Mum turned up on Thursday night and was looking great with new hairdo to boot. I gained extra brownie points for commenting on it,brownie points which were stolen from my 2 younger brothers and stepdad,none of whom apparently noticed Mum's new barnet. Why is it that guys never learn to notice these little things that make a woman feel good? Your life would be so much rosier guys believe me!
Anway, tired and weary parents and tired and weary me(who'd spent the day running round trying to make the place look like I'd been a past student from the excellent housewife academy)retired to bed about 1am after much chinwagging and tea.
Next morning at the ungodly hour of 6.30 mini me stuck her head round my door to say good morning completely unaware that her Granny and Papa were asleep in the next room. I asked her if she would go and check on the cat as I thought I'd heard her in the spare bedroom. She opened the door and the delight on her face was picture perfect. She flung her arms around her Grandparents (who she hasn't seen for months)and proceeded to offer everyone a cup of tea in bed (I have her well trained now)
After tea and breakfast sadly mini me had to go to school, so after much hugging and promises of visits in the summer hols,off we went.
Now Mum and Stepdad were off to my Uncle's birthday party some 90miles away and were just stopping off at me on the way, but when I got back from the school run,Mum suggested that me and mini me come and join them on the saturday for the party! It hasn't stopped raining for 2weeks and everyone's a bit down in the mouth about it,and BF was away at the weekend so I thought it'd be a great idea to cheer us up and meet up with some family I haven't seen in way too long. Mini me would just be delighted that she was getting to stay up past 8o'clock.
So off we went on the saturday,air bed and duvet packed in the back,2 packets of crisps for the journey and mini me navigating (she is an expert at reading AA routefinder pages) and we turned up at our destination 2hours later ready to party. And party we did!!
The was a spanish theme to the evening so there was plenty of good food and Sangria, a proper Flamenco dancer, who danced for 2 hours and got us all learning the steps (after a few jugs of Sangria this was quite an achievement believe me)Mini me informed me that the dancer would have sponges inside her shoes, as I'd commented there was no way a normal person would have been able to sustain that amount of foot stamping for that length of time. Mini me and me had joined in with the theme as much as we could what with the very short notice,so both had our hair tied back with roses in it, she had a lovely long skirt with frills round it and looked a picture. After a few drinks I didn't look such a picture but hey I was having fun.
When we left at around midnight,I was slightly tipsy and mini me was tired but happy. It was still pouring with rain but this time it wasn't dampening our spirits. We'd had a great weekend,we danced,we spent time with family (some of whom mini me had never met) and I was glad I'd decided to be a bit impulsive.