Bear with me

So many things have happened over the last few weeks I'm struggling to condense it into words so you'll have to bear with any rambling or emotional outburst's with me along the way I'm afraid.I figure if I apologise upfront you may let me off.Think it may have to take a few posts to cover it.

Here goes for probably the most significant development,which I knew would happen sooner or later. My ex has finally and thankfully admitted that he is with the woman who he had an affair with. He's been trying for the last few weeks to get me to say I have a boyfriend (who may I add has been a godsend) obviously because it would then make it easier for him to get the words out,but I held off for a little bit longer,not out of spite, but purely because I wanted mine and boyfriends little spell of idyllic privacy to go on for just a bit longer,and my hurt to stay suppressed.

Anyway,ex came over to pick up mini me and we had a few things to talk over about the never ending house saga (starting to think I'll still be here at christmas) and a certain business issue I have (a whole other post!)which he's helping me with, he made a few references to what my 'Special friend' thought of things. I told him he was of the same opinion as ex was and is also supporting me. I then asked him what his 'special friend' thought,and he said he hadn't discussed it with her yet. So there we are both skirting round things, so I plucked up a little courage and asked him if his girlfriend was who I thought she was.He replied 'yes,but it's not been going on as long as you think it has'
There, the words were out and I was still alive, just!
I know exactly how long this has been going on and unbeknown to ex, I had openly discussed it with his Mum and told her that I expected him to do as follows:

1. Deny he was having a relationship with her when we were together - check
2.Say that it was over anyway - check
3. Leave a gap of several months saying he was having some time alone and wasn't ready for a relationship - check
4.After several months they would just hapen to decide that they were inextricably drawn together but wanted to take it easy and see what happens - check

The last part is the most ridiculous unless taking your new girlfriend to meet the parents and bringing 'our' best friends down to your new bachelor pad to introduce her to them is taking it slow? Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but my so called friends were disgusted with his behaviour and hers,but now it looks like they'll all be bosom buddies,yippee.
But hey you know what,I reckon I'm allowed a little rant.This is the man who would not own up to an affair but instead I had to find out about it by receiving his and hers holiday flight tickets through my door (which he'd booked for the day after our tenth wedding anniversary!Our tenth wedding anniversary,which was supposed to be being spent in Vegas renewing our wedding vows and had been booked just a few months previously)
So there I am sitting there, trying to keep myself composed when he drops in this clanger, 'I know you probably don't want to hear this but she's a really nice person'
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man has no idea that he's ripped my heart out,torn it into a million pieces and is now proceeding to rub my own face in it.
But, and this is such a BIG but, I don't know how I pulled it off,I sat there and said to him I would be the bigger person and accept this and that as she was obviously going to be a part of my daughter's life,I want them to spend a bit of time together to get to know one another.

Inside my very soul is tearing in two,I feel like my life has been stolen,but I have to move on. I have to.I have to. I have to.

There is more to tell from that day and I feel I am sacrificing my very being by what I did but hey,life isn't bloody easy is it,love can give you the greatest joy and it can tear you apart,I'm just trying to do the right thing for my child,I'll have my private moments of grief that she'll never get to see.But I will never poison her head and will bring her up to respect others and have the moral standards that others seem to have misplaced.
I have the love,support,patience and understanding of BF.I told him that,emotionally, the next few months will be hard for me,packing all my memories and dreams into cardboard boxes will no doubt bring it's tears but I'm hoping that when I finally get out of this permanent daily reminder of my marital home and the pain of the last year, I will at last be able to put the demons to rest.

here and gone again

Just a quick note to say I've been on holiday hence the absence, but now I need a bit of a sabatical as certain things going on at the mo that require my full attention and emotional strength. To be honest,I don't know if I have any of that left,but I'll try. I'll also try and vent about it soon cos I'm sure it may help, I just have to sort out the grey matter first. xx

BOOOOZE

You must forgive any spelling mistakes,bad grammar (well,more than usual anyway) poor content and self pity this week. I have been severely visited by the hangover fairy. She waved her wand over my head on Friday night and continued her evil magic on Saturday. I now have a faceful of spots, bags under my eyes like an overfilled potato sack and reckon I may have easily have gained a few pounds.
All my own fault, as I never found the inner strength to resist the fact that there was more than one bottle of wine in my house on Friday night. This was thanks to a lovely visit from Drama Queen's BF (my home is their home)who was passing on his wee visit to the UK. My BF also came over as we'd decided to make a little night of it by having some nice grub followed by a visit to our local. We had the grub (home made Lasagne and garlic ciabatta with Italian salad) but because everyone had bought wine we decided to drink some of that before the pub. We never made it!
BF had also brought some lager with him so after a few glasses of wine for him and then going onto lager,that left me and DQ's BF with the wine. BIG MISTAKE!! I am not proud of this (least of all for the fact I'm not even meant to drink wine) but we got through 3 bottles of red ( a nice chianti,cabernet sauvignon and a lovely fruity beaujolais)Once they'd gone it was discovered that there was also a bottle of chardonnay in the fridge, so we got through half of that as well. The choices being made on my Ipod after that were definitely ecclectic to say the least.
I am not a big drinker and, because of mini me, am generally a responsible adult (honest) but the conversation was flowing,mini me was at her Dad's and for some reason it seemed like a great idea at the time.
I take great comfort in the fact that I was definitely not the only one worse for wear,however remind me never ever to do that the day before I am scheduled in to take mini me and 10 (YES 10!) of her friends to McDonalds and then the cinema!! I may have to go one step further though and just say remind me never to take 11 children to McDonalds and then the cinema even if I was well.

Expand your horizons

As you may have noticed, I have been rather preoccupied with BF recently, and the whole getting used to being in a new relationship thingy. This has given me less time to peruse the wonderful and not so wonderful blogland, so this week I've decided that it might be a good idea to give myself a task to go and find one new blog a week for the next month that I really enjoy reading and then spreading the word of said new blog (after all we all love to be noticed in some way don't we)
Obviously this will be my taste that I enjoy for one reason or another.It may make me laugh,it may make me think (harder task than making me laugh believe me!),it may make me cry or ponder why on earth we feel the need to do this in the first place,and it may be completely bizarre (like the one I found the other day linked to my blog because I mentioned the word 'Shirt' once?) This is a purely self indulgent project but it goes back to the subject brought up by Drama Queen about lurkers. Those people who visit but never comment. So if you choose to visit the blogs I've found please feel free to leave one.

It's very easy just to keep visiting the same blog's all the time,as once we've found our little niche it's easier to stay there. Then there's the restriction of time, it would take us forever to go trawling through searching out new reading material and keeping up with them,so I'm volunteering to do some of the running around for you.Go on expand your horizons! And if you really cant be arsed look on my sidebar and see if there's anyone there you haven't seen before and go visit. My first blog I've found that I like (and have linked) is All in a days work!! and todays post is about if we had a vitual boyfriend what would we make him do. I can think of a few things for that one!