Yo Yo

WARNING- Yo yoing of emotions will be prevalent over the next few weeks,this blog may get tedious and self pitying,quickly followed by moments of elation and joy please bear with me.
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!

Why do I make such a complete and utter tit of myself? Why can't I just hold things in? Why do I have to wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see and steal? Why do I have to wait until things go wrong before I can see there was a problem to be fixed? Why am I so harsh on myself? Why do I expect so much from myself? Why do I set myself time limits on things and get upset when I don't make it? Why do I cry so bloody much? Why do I feel like people are looking at me like I'm an alien being who looks the part but is obviously not of the same species? Why do I seek approval from my father even though I know I'll never be able to bond emotionally with him?Why am I nearly 36 and still getting the same things so spectacularly wrong? Why do I trust so easily? Why do I hurt so easily? Why do I still talk as if I'm on my own in life even though my boyfriend is by my side?Why am I feeling sorry for myself tonight and spilling this out?


Answer: Because I'm me,I'm not flawless.

I still have a lot to learn. I'm realising now that all the insecurities I had growing up are still there,I haven't changed that much I've just learned how to get on as best I can. I was the picked on ginger kid at school, I felt insecure,unaccepted,weak and feeble. Solution now is that I put on some make-up,some nice clothes and I pretend I'm confident. Inside I'm still the insecure,awkward girl but now I'm more socially acceptable.
I'm only ranting now because I've been packing some things up from my house and I'm feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself and a bit like that kid at school. I knew this would be tough, but I must admit it's absolutely bloody shit and without this blog here to take some of the flack,I reckon the men in the white van would be on their way right now.
My daughter is off with her dad tomorrow to go to his girlfriend's parents.They have horses and chickens and all the other things that kids love. I'm being the considerate Mum and packing her wellies and her waterproofs and making sure she wears a riding hat.

Inside I'm screaming and now that she's gone to bed I'm crying.I thank god I've only got a few more weeks in this house because as far as endurance tests go, I'm near my limit

I'm angry because he left all this devastation and I'm the one sweeping up behind him,I'm the one having to heal our daughter,I'm the one having to pack OUR things,I'm the one who has to start again.

Inside I'm screaming

Times they are a' changin

Well just to add a little cheer to my somewhat emotional of late blog,I have at long last (and fingers crossed it wont fall through) sold my house!!! The moment was a humongous melting pot of joy, of at last being able to properly start getting on with my life and a realisation of finality of the end of an era. I am glad to say though that the joy reigns supreme. The feelings tied up in this house have been tolerated through necessity and the weight that is about to be lifted would be enough to sink a small ship.
I figure that if I can get through the last year, and the next few weeks of facing all my memories whilst packing, then I'm fit to conquer anything!! There will be a lot of changes not just for me but for my daughter. She has lived a very comfortable life materially speaking,and is about to learn that not everything she has now just appears from nowhere. Her reaction when I told her that when we move the sky plus TV will be no more,was one of complete horror,but I think it will be the best thing for her.
She has never been a precocious child,nor been given everything she wants but she has maybe not understood before that all the things she takes for granted come at a cost and it will be sharp learning curve for her, but one I believe will make her a better person more appreciative of her surroundings.
The other good news is that 3days later I found a lovely little house for us! It's been fully refurbished and even better- It's VACANT. The buyers who have bought our house have no chain either so this really couldn't be a better scenario.So it looks like in the next 8weeks I will be moved on and starting afresh. It's been a long hard slog to get this far without going completely off my trolley but I've had love and support from my family (and I'm including my ex's family in this who've been a great support to me especially my mother and father-in-law and of course my drama queen niece) and of course over the last few months my bf who has been a pillar of strength. He's had so much to contend with from me what with my wounded spirit but the sticking plasters I was held together with are finally falling away to reveal a lovely new layer of resilience.

Bear with me

So many things have happened over the last few weeks I'm struggling to condense it into words so you'll have to bear with any rambling or emotional outburst's with me along the way I'm afraid.I figure if I apologise upfront you may let me off.Think it may have to take a few posts to cover it.

Here goes for probably the most significant development,which I knew would happen sooner or later. My ex has finally and thankfully admitted that he is with the woman who he had an affair with. He's been trying for the last few weeks to get me to say I have a boyfriend (who may I add has been a godsend) obviously because it would then make it easier for him to get the words out,but I held off for a little bit longer,not out of spite, but purely because I wanted mine and boyfriends little spell of idyllic privacy to go on for just a bit longer,and my hurt to stay suppressed.

Anyway,ex came over to pick up mini me and we had a few things to talk over about the never ending house saga (starting to think I'll still be here at christmas) and a certain business issue I have (a whole other post!)which he's helping me with, he made a few references to what my 'Special friend' thought of things. I told him he was of the same opinion as ex was and is also supporting me. I then asked him what his 'special friend' thought,and he said he hadn't discussed it with her yet. So there we are both skirting round things, so I plucked up a little courage and asked him if his girlfriend was who I thought she was.He replied 'yes,but it's not been going on as long as you think it has'
There, the words were out and I was still alive, just!
I know exactly how long this has been going on and unbeknown to ex, I had openly discussed it with his Mum and told her that I expected him to do as follows:

1. Deny he was having a relationship with her when we were together - check
2.Say that it was over anyway - check
3. Leave a gap of several months saying he was having some time alone and wasn't ready for a relationship - check
4.After several months they would just hapen to decide that they were inextricably drawn together but wanted to take it easy and see what happens - check

The last part is the most ridiculous unless taking your new girlfriend to meet the parents and bringing 'our' best friends down to your new bachelor pad to introduce her to them is taking it slow? Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but my so called friends were disgusted with his behaviour and hers,but now it looks like they'll all be bosom buddies,yippee.
But hey you know what,I reckon I'm allowed a little rant.This is the man who would not own up to an affair but instead I had to find out about it by receiving his and hers holiday flight tickets through my door (which he'd booked for the day after our tenth wedding anniversary!Our tenth wedding anniversary,which was supposed to be being spent in Vegas renewing our wedding vows and had been booked just a few months previously)
So there I am sitting there, trying to keep myself composed when he drops in this clanger, 'I know you probably don't want to hear this but she's a really nice person'
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
This man has no idea that he's ripped my heart out,torn it into a million pieces and is now proceeding to rub my own face in it.
But, and this is such a BIG but, I don't know how I pulled it off,I sat there and said to him I would be the bigger person and accept this and that as she was obviously going to be a part of my daughter's life,I want them to spend a bit of time together to get to know one another.

Inside my very soul is tearing in two,I feel like my life has been stolen,but I have to move on. I have to.I have to. I have to.

There is more to tell from that day and I feel I am sacrificing my very being by what I did but hey,life isn't bloody easy is it,love can give you the greatest joy and it can tear you apart,I'm just trying to do the right thing for my child,I'll have my private moments of grief that she'll never get to see.But I will never poison her head and will bring her up to respect others and have the moral standards that others seem to have misplaced.
I have the love,support,patience and understanding of BF.I told him that,emotionally, the next few months will be hard for me,packing all my memories and dreams into cardboard boxes will no doubt bring it's tears but I'm hoping that when I finally get out of this permanent daily reminder of my marital home and the pain of the last year, I will at last be able to put the demons to rest.

here and gone again

Just a quick note to say I've been on holiday hence the absence, but now I need a bit of a sabatical as certain things going on at the mo that require my full attention and emotional strength. To be honest,I don't know if I have any of that left,but I'll try. I'll also try and vent about it soon cos I'm sure it may help, I just have to sort out the grey matter first. xx