knock knock

Who's there?
Me
Me Who?
I'm still trying to sus that one out! Ask me again later.

Seems like this blog has turned into an annual event as opposed to the daily one (sometimes twice daily) blog it used to be. A lot has happened since I last visited, way too much to put on this little page believe me! I just write now when I feel like it. I used to use this blog to help me with my daily emotional trauma's of my marriage break-up, then it was for the eventual occurrence of the return to dating......(or should I say lack of) that particular chapter in my life was short lived. I decided that conventional dating was not for me, I felt totally out of my depth after losing the man I thought I'd be with forever, and after 10 years of marriage was completely lost in the mire of scary modern dating.

I realise from that last statement that I sound ever so slightly ancient! I'm not, I'm 37, but I was never one for dating loads of blokes. I never actually dated any guy who I didn't already know at some level. Even then however, my total experience of boyfriend material was counted on one hand, including the boyfriend who eventually became my husband. I now find myself at the end of that chapter, my decree Nisi comes through tomorrow and in approximately 8 weeks time I shall be divorced.

Several of my friends have declared this a time of celebration, freedom, and 'you should be glad to be shot of him'. The truth of the matter is I am not happy, I am sad. I am sad for the loss of my marriage, I am sad that my husband never had enough respect for me or our daughter to work at saving our marriage,I am sad I could not give my daughter the life I wanted her to have and I am sad that people these days see the ending of a marriage as cause for celebration. It's not, it should give us all cause to reflect on ourselves, the lives we lead and the people affected by our actions (and I include my own in that statement)

I am not sad anymore that I do not have my husband, he has moved on with his life and I finally accepted this and with that acceptance the love disappeared. All I have now is the memory of the relationship we had and looking back on it, it was not an equal one.

There is a plus point to the sadness though. I stated earlier that I did not enjoy success with conventional dating after my break up, and after much persuasion from friends I tried internet dating. I had a few hiccups at the beginning but I met a guy who made me laugh, had a similar outlook on life and was a tonic to all my ails. Throughout the last 20months he has proved himself to be a genuine , caring, supportive and extremely understanding boyfriend. Which is just as well really, as the road he decided to travel with me has not been the smoothest!

Now though, I'm finally getting there. I look forward to simple things, like getting a dvd and cuddling up on the couch, going for a walk on a Saturday morning, taking my daughter to the panto where we can laugh at the jokes that go over the kids heads, talking about holidays we'd like to go on, jumping in the car and going somewhere at the weekends (I've never travelled so much in my life!) and just effortlessly enjoying each others company.

We've also had arguments, which was all new to me, but I realised that we were actually being completely open with each other and not being afraid to vent it. I'm not saying I enjoyed it as such, but I enjoyed the freedom of saying exactly what I felt without feeling it would be stored up to be used against me at a later date. This has only happened twice but I reckon we are stronger for it.

I can categorically no longer deny that I am in love with this man.

I didn't think I'd get to this point again, and I put up so many barriers I was pretty sure no one could break through them anyway, but he has. He should get a medal for that achievement alone! He also gets on like a house on fire with my daughter, they tease each other mercilessly, they joke together (quite often aimed I me I may add) and he has strong family values.

My only wish now is that we some day soon get the freedom my ex enjoys. My marital home has still not sold, I am still living there and am unable to move without releasing it's ever decreasing equity, and in todays market it's unlikely to sell soon. Until it does we're kind of stuck in this limbo of wanting to move on to the next stage in our relationship but still stuck in the dating stage (not a bad thing in some ways hehe). So this week the big clearout has begun to try to sell the house. All personal photo's have been taken down, all unnecessary things have begun to be stored or thrown out and much to her annoyance my daughter's very childlike bedroom will soon be a might more sophisticated.

I know it's cliche but this is a New Year and I really do want it to be a new start for all of us. I am hoping that our determination (not desperation) will have the desired effect and our positivity will brush off onto potential purchasers. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that before the year is out I'll be going 'knock knock' on a new front door:-)