Yo Yo

WARNING- Yo yoing of emotions will be prevalent over the next few weeks,this blog may get tedious and self pitying,quickly followed by moments of elation and joy please bear with me.
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!

Why do I make such a complete and utter tit of myself? Why can't I just hold things in? Why do I have to wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see and steal? Why do I have to wait until things go wrong before I can see there was a problem to be fixed? Why am I so harsh on myself? Why do I expect so much from myself? Why do I set myself time limits on things and get upset when I don't make it? Why do I cry so bloody much? Why do I feel like people are looking at me like I'm an alien being who looks the part but is obviously not of the same species? Why do I seek approval from my father even though I know I'll never be able to bond emotionally with him?Why am I nearly 36 and still getting the same things so spectacularly wrong? Why do I trust so easily? Why do I hurt so easily? Why do I still talk as if I'm on my own in life even though my boyfriend is by my side?Why am I feeling sorry for myself tonight and spilling this out?


Answer: Because I'm me,I'm not flawless.

I still have a lot to learn. I'm realising now that all the insecurities I had growing up are still there,I haven't changed that much I've just learned how to get on as best I can. I was the picked on ginger kid at school, I felt insecure,unaccepted,weak and feeble. Solution now is that I put on some make-up,some nice clothes and I pretend I'm confident. Inside I'm still the insecure,awkward girl but now I'm more socially acceptable.
I'm only ranting now because I've been packing some things up from my house and I'm feeling a bit sad and sorry for myself and a bit like that kid at school. I knew this would be tough, but I must admit it's absolutely bloody shit and without this blog here to take some of the flack,I reckon the men in the white van would be on their way right now.
My daughter is off with her dad tomorrow to go to his girlfriend's parents.They have horses and chickens and all the other things that kids love. I'm being the considerate Mum and packing her wellies and her waterproofs and making sure she wears a riding hat.

Inside I'm screaming and now that she's gone to bed I'm crying.I thank god I've only got a few more weeks in this house because as far as endurance tests go, I'm near my limit

I'm angry because he left all this devastation and I'm the one sweeping up behind him,I'm the one having to heal our daughter,I'm the one having to pack OUR things,I'm the one who has to start again.

Inside I'm screaming

Times they are a' changin

Well just to add a little cheer to my somewhat emotional of late blog,I have at long last (and fingers crossed it wont fall through) sold my house!!! The moment was a humongous melting pot of joy, of at last being able to properly start getting on with my life and a realisation of finality of the end of an era. I am glad to say though that the joy reigns supreme. The feelings tied up in this house have been tolerated through necessity and the weight that is about to be lifted would be enough to sink a small ship.
I figure that if I can get through the last year, and the next few weeks of facing all my memories whilst packing, then I'm fit to conquer anything!! There will be a lot of changes not just for me but for my daughter. She has lived a very comfortable life materially speaking,and is about to learn that not everything she has now just appears from nowhere. Her reaction when I told her that when we move the sky plus TV will be no more,was one of complete horror,but I think it will be the best thing for her.
She has never been a precocious child,nor been given everything she wants but she has maybe not understood before that all the things she takes for granted come at a cost and it will be sharp learning curve for her, but one I believe will make her a better person more appreciative of her surroundings.
The other good news is that 3days later I found a lovely little house for us! It's been fully refurbished and even better- It's VACANT. The buyers who have bought our house have no chain either so this really couldn't be a better scenario.So it looks like in the next 8weeks I will be moved on and starting afresh. It's been a long hard slog to get this far without going completely off my trolley but I've had love and support from my family (and I'm including my ex's family in this who've been a great support to me especially my mother and father-in-law and of course my drama queen niece) and of course over the last few months my bf who has been a pillar of strength. He's had so much to contend with from me what with my wounded spirit but the sticking plasters I was held together with are finally falling away to reveal a lovely new layer of resilience.